i wish you could see you through my eyes

i'm feeling very loving today...from way down deep inside. it's one of those moments when i wish i could just give a hug to every person i know and tell them how truly amazing they are. earlier this week i was not feeling so loving. i didn't love myself, for one thing, and so i was entirely focused on finding love for me instead of focusing on giving love to others.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book, The Five Love Languages would say that my love tank was empty. In my Marriage As an Interpersonal Process class last spring semester, we read this book and took the assessment at the end to determine our individual love languages.
The five languages are Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Physical Touch.

I'm a bilingual lover, which means that my results were evenly split between two dominant love languages. Can you guess what they are? Yep, Quality Time (with a specific emphasis on quality conversation) and Physical Touch. Over the last year I have been more or less avoiding one on one interactions with most people, and all forms of physical touch, even including hugs (my favorite form of affectionate expression).

i have the dearest friends! they have been so kind as to indulge my need to fill my love tank this week. The Artist, Midgie, Gonzo, Niffer, Chelle, Pola, Spaz, and a few others have been especially wonderful in helping me to feel loved, accepted, wanted, adored, etc. this week.

the funny thing is that so many of my dear friends who i absolutely adore more than anyone i've ever met in my life, don't see how truly incredible they are. i know at least some of them feel the same way about me as i do about them right now...that is, i wish they could see in themselves what i see in them. i ache for their heartaches today. i ache for the way they see themselves. i wish i could take them individually in my arms, hold their faces in my hands and transfer from my eyes to theirs, from my heart to theirs, the vision of them i see. a certain few in particular.

i love them all dearly. i'm so grateful for each of the amazing and absolutely fantastic friends i have been blessed with throughout my life.

History isn't always accurate

Wow! Why am I so spastic sometimes? What was I worried about? Why do I always think that people (especially men) are going to suddenly stop wanting to be my friend? Why am I so paranoid and skeptical? Oh, right, that's why...history. But sometimes history is a fluke.

He came over last night because I asked him to. We were pretty tight for a while then not so much more recently; it's been too long since we've spent any sort of quality time together and I was anxious about our friendship. More specifically than our relationship, I was concerned about him.

It was nice to be just the two of us for a while. There are always so many other people around and it's difficult to have a conversation. But last night was good. Now I see that all I have to do is say, "I miss you, can we just hang out for a while" and he'll be there.

I've started hugging again too. I miss one on one conversations and hugs. I'm getting back to both. And I'm starting to ask for what I want again...those are the best signs of progress and recovery I've seen thus far! :)

Gratitudes

Friends

Education

Train hosts who make the train wait when the bus is late

Friends

Conversation

Sunshine

Friends

Sleep

Medication

Friends

Employment

Courage

Friends

Cranberries

Snack foods

Have I mentioned that I'm grateful for friends? Well, I am! ;-)

Blogs are for Frogs

That's what he said when I told him that I was watching Bones and writing a blog post. He called to tell me he's coming over.

The response was positive.

We had a split second alone the other night and I took the chance to tell him what I haven't been able to say recently. Simply...

"I miss you."

He said he's still around. I lost my words.

Later, in text, I told him it wasn't what I meant and asked if we could get together and just talk.

So he's coming over.

I don't know what to say. I don't know why I have felt so strongly over the last couple of weeks that I needed to find a way for us to have a moment alone and just talk. I have no idea how he feels about it. I'll find out soon I suppose...

Nausea or Premonition

I have a bad feeling. It's that anxious sickness in the pit of my stomach and feels like a hand reaching up to grip my heart that I sometimes get. It could just be nausea from the antibiotics I've been taking for the sinus infection I've had. That's what I'm hoping so maybe it'll go away with some food. Otherwise, it's something I don't want to think about.

Or, the third option is that it's a nervous anticipation for the text message or phone call I'm waiting for. I took a chance the other day, spit in the face of fear and made a request. The response was non-committal, but gave me hope. Now I'm waiting for a confirmation, either positive or negative. I'm working on convincing myself to react well either way. If it's positive, good, things are looking up. If it's negative, however...well, if it's negative, I guess it's good that I have an appointment tonight with my therapist so she can help me see the better side of things and react in a more positive way.

I know that however things work will be for the best...I just wish I could figure out how to keep from getting anxious in the first place. No matter how I try to talk myself through it, I just can't squelch the anxious anticipation. If only I could keep from having expectations in the first place, there would be no anxiety because I wouldn't have any initial hopes which means no chance of disappointment.

But disappointment isn't the end of the world, it's only the wrong door and I just need to keep knocking on more doors until I find the right one. It's alright. It's gonna be okay! :)

Sensitivity

It's a condition that has plagued me my whole life. I call it, "thin skin syndrome" and it's not so fun to live with. I've done a lot of things and tried a lot of treatments, but so far I have not found a cure for this sometimes debilitating condition. It's not a constant struggle, it comes and goes and sometimes isn't a problem at all, but every so often it sneaks up before I have my protective gear on and then I'm left vulnerable and hurt.

Right now I feel like I'm being intentionally excluded. I feel like I'm being elbowed out, like I'm not wanted in the group I brought together. My sensitivity is on high alert and the tears are pushing toward the surface. Why can't we all just live together in harmonious equality?

I'm not a center-of-attention type, I rarely seek it, and often feel uncomfortable when I have the attention of a big group. I'm a one-on-one person, I like individual attention. I'm not at all competitive, I strongly believe in taking turns. I'm not quick with words or diplomatic in confronting uncomfortable situations. I'm terribly passive-aggressive (hence why I write my frustrations here instead of confronting the situation). I'm overly considerate of others, even though others are rarely (if ever) considerate of me. I'm a nice person and I just want others to be nice to me.

I've tried to be less sensitive. I've always seen my thin skin as a weakness, even though I've been told it's one of my strengths. Supposedly it goes hand in hand with my compassion for others, but to me it seems to backfire instead. I'm so willing to take the back step to help others succeed or acquire their desires that most of the time my own wishes and hopes are shattered or trampled. There's got to be a way that I can have what I want without it being at the expense of what someone else wants.

On the other hand, once in a while a person comes into my life that just makes me uncomfortable and I have a really difficult time being kind and compassionate to them. So maybe this is punishment for the way I've been acting toward GameBoy.

I don't know why he all of a sudden wants to be all buddy-buddy with me, I'm sure he just wants friends and he feels like we are friends since we've been acquainted for almost 17 years. We were never close, have barely seen each other or talked to each other in that time, but suddenly here we are. I'm uncomfortable around him for reasons I can't explain. He seems to think he knows me, but everything he says about me is rather completely inaccurate. He doesn't seem to understand social boundaries and has a difficult time being able to function within a group. Most of the time he just singles me out to talk to, which would be okay (like I said, I'm more for one-on-one anyway) except we have very little, if anything in common, and a lot of the time he brings up topics that make me uncomfortable. Generally I'm fairly friendly and accepting of people, I don't know why I feel so hostile toward his attempts at friendship...except that I guess I took it a little as the Fates giving me a slap in the face. I've been wanting to be better friends with certain guys, but the guys who are most interested in being friends with me are the ones that make me uncomfortable. Not fair.

This leads to another problem I'm having. In seeing this paradox, I can't help but wonder if the guys I want to be friends with see me the way I see GameBoy. Do I make them uncomfortable? Are they wishing I would go away so they could get the attention of the person they really want to be talking to? Am I socially awkward and just don't realize it? Am I merely tolerated instead of wanted? The Artist, Chelle, and Little J have assured me this is not the case, but I wonder.

At any rate, I made a decision this week that I need to be kinder to GameBoy (and a few other similar guys who are trying to be my friend). I need to stop worrying if they "like" me (my fear is that if I'm nice to them even a little they will see it as an invitation to come on to me) and just treat them like the valid and valuable people they are.

I guess, in being disappointed over my unrealized desires and expectations, I've become a little snobby toward the hopes and wishes of others. I should just be happy and honored that anyone wants to be my friend, eh?

I'm working on love. I need to be more loving toward those to whom love does not come so easily. Maybe if I could remember how to give unconditional love, I would start feeling it coming back to me.

Dear Muse, Please Come Back

I know that by blaming it on the Muse (or lack thereof) I'm simply shifting the responsibility but it's easier than putting in the effort...or worse, admitting that I'm just not good enough.

Actually, I like my poetry. I think I'm pretty good; not the best, by far, but after reading a lot of poems by a lot of other students, I'm at least as good as them, possibly better than some (not to be prideful or anything).

I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell him he was inspiring the poet in me. Actually, that would have been fine. Even showing him some of my poetry was okay, it was the last one I showed him that broke the spell. It's not even such a great poem. I definitely should have kept that one to myself. It's okay.

Things have been a little weird between us over the last couple of months since. He's been busy with many other things and his own life. I've been working through more of the residual emotional hangups that I thought I was done with. He's still around and once in a while a moment suspends and we exchange the beginnings of a conversation. But inevitably, someone else comes along and distracts his attention...and I haven't regained enough confidence to request more words in an extended moment. A lot of my recent aggression and frustration is because of my ineptitude with words...particularly spoken ones. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't know how to ask for what I want or need...not from him anyway.

Ok, this is ridiculous. I'm done with my lack of confidence. I'm done with my fear. I'm done holding myself back from getting what I want. These guys are good guys. They are good friends, at least they would be if I'd just open myself up and let them interact positively in my life. I learn from history not so I fear the present but so I can live and create a better future. So, no more allowing myself to be held captive in the present by the fear of repeating the past. I'm done. I know what happened before and I know how to avoid it. I don't have to put up walls, I just have to see the warning signs, and set and regulate boundaries to protect myself. Running away from everyone is not protecting myself, it's surviving in fear.
I'm not a victim.
I'm a confident, competent beautiful woman who deserves to live a full and enjoyable life. I've made mistakes. I've let myself be hurt. I've probably hurt others. But that is all in the past. I've worked and struggled through and I've made phenomenal progress. I can write. I can do whatever I put my mind to. One day I'll write my masterpiece. One day I'll find the love of my life. One day, probably very soon, I'll be filled with peace and freedom instead of anger and fear.

I don't need a Muse to write well, it just makes the process a little easier. ;-) And what I actually miss most is the friendship we could have had. I'm grateful, though, for the knowledge that it's not too late to make up for lost time.

I have Fantastic Friends!

They can't take away the pain. They can't change the past. They can't make my decisions for me. They can't heal the the brokenness of my life.

But they show me and tell me how much they care. They remind me that the pain will go away in time. They lend perspective to the past. They help me weigh my options. They show me how to create a better future. And most importantly they love me and stick by me no matter what.

Last year was one of the best of my life. I had so much fun and made many great new friendships I hope will last for a long while. I found steady employment. I had a nearly perfect semester for the first time in a long time. I reclaimed my ability to write poetry.

My confidence still needs some work. I still have some bitterness and fear to eradicate from my heart. But generally, I've made a lot of progress over the last year, and though I have minor setbacks now and then (like this week), I'm happier than I've ever been.

A lot of the goodness in my life is due to my dear fantastic friends! I'm so grateful for each of them.

feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins

That Savage Garden has some poignant lyrics.

I've been feeling aggressive recently. I've been feeling disappointed, neglected, angry, sad, hurt, anxious, tired...and a few other wearying emotions. I've been feeling paranoid. I haven't wanted to be around me, so I guess it's not surprising that I feel like no one else wants to be around me. I try to hide it when I'm around other people. I try to "fake it" but I get so tired of faking. Why do things have to be happy all the time? Why do we have to pretend that everything is peachy when it's not? I don't feel well today. I feel empty and unloved.

More than anything, I feel unloving. If I had love inside myself that I could give to others, I wouldn't feel to empty or negative. I spent all my love on people who threw it away and now I just don't have any more to give. I need an infusion of love into my veins, but it's not like I can go to the hospital and have them hook me up to an IV. Love doesn't come in a bottle, where does love come from?

I used to be really good at loving. I used to have hugs at the ready, compassion for anyone who needed it, now I think I want to just hide away. I feel empty because I have no love to give. I try. I try to serve and give to those in need, but I just feel more depleted. Maybe once my sinus infection goes away I'll feel better and more able to give. For now, I think it's best if I just become a hermit for a few days, stay away from people so they don't get poisoned by my inadequate blood.

bitter much?

Boys are stupid
Some girls are too
I think it's time
to be a hermit
for just a while

Maybe I'll have
an Alias marathon
and come back out
feeling much better
about the world

Maybe I'll watch it
in Spanish so I can
justify it as homework.
Right now I'm listening
to Savage Garden.

I really am trying to
rid myself of bitterness
toward men, but they
just make it so easy
to despise them.

They really don't
encourage much faith.
They're all a bunch of
blind and heartless,
self-centered jerkfaces.

I'm just sayin'

All I want is to be
loved and accepted,
wanted and needed
by someone I see as
an equal in most ways

Is that really asking too much?

The scriptures do say
that in the Latter-Days
the hearts of men will
fail them...well, their
hearts are failing me too

I deserve better than this.

But life is not fair and
so much of the time
those who deserve,
do not receive, and those
who do not deserve, do

It's just the way of things.
So I'll stop whining and
go do some homework
or watch some Alias in
Spanish, or something.
(this isn't really a poem, I just felt like breaking the lines)

It's All In The Attitude

Today is a lot better than I thought it would be. Last night we had a Relief Society activity where we listened to the Utah Dating Coach talk about flirting technique. I used to be a fantastic flirter! In the last couple of years, however, I have been suppressing that side of me, for fear of attracting, yet again, the wrong guys. I used to flirt with every guy, you know, for fun and practice. Now I can't even flirt with the ones I'm not interested in.

Last night I went to bed discouraged. I've had some interest in a couple guys this year, but because of my fear, I've suppressed my flirtations at the weakest sign of interest and instead either ran away completely, or affixed the "just friends" label, squelching any future possibility.

Soft and encouraging eye contact, a warm and inviting (not overbearing) smile, a gentle and playful touch of the arm or knee, make him feel great! I used to do these things instinctively, now I can't seem to force myself to do them. Sigh...I need to just shrug off my fear and start having fun again.

I have no reason to be insecure or afraid. I am quite a catch and a guy would be lucky to have me. I'm intelligent, kind, educated, responsible, empathetic, fun, pretty, and have a great sense of humor. I'm going places, man! People love me, they enjoy my company and generally want me around. Life is good and getting better all the time.

rewrite my life

As a very unhappy sixteen year old, I started writing as a coping mechanism. The stories I created were my means of escaping all the darkness and pain that surrounded that period of my life. They were futuristic projections of some imaginary life I hoped to one day create for myself. My imaginings were so vivid and so real to me that I actually began believing that they were going to become my reality. This idea was completely irrational, however, though I'm going going into the reasons why. Suffice it to say, I became a little delusional and was greatly unsettled when my those delusions were shattered shortly after graduation.

I've come to the decision that I should not use my imagination to create what I want my life to be. The future and any expectations and desires placed therein must be flexible in order for possibility to work its magic and allow life to form with pleasing results. My stories are too detailed, too vivid, too concrete. There is no logical way for them to become reality because people are flawed and situations rarely work precisely the way we hope.

So, I think that from now on, instead of trying to create the future, I am going to attempt to rewrite my past. A lot of it I'd like to sponge away. So maybe between my imagination and my forgetfulness, I can recreate my memories, cutting out the bad parts and piecing together the good. Then maybe I can transform my vision of who I was and who I am in order to create a better who I will be.

Charity is loving even those you don't want to love

Recently I've been throwing a tantrum because the people who are grasping for my attention and kindness are not the one I want to want me. The people I want to be around and spend all my free time with don't seem to care if I'm there or not, while there are at least a handful of other people who are persistently requesting my attention; I don't want to give to them.

I realized the other night as I was complaining about this to God that a few weeks ago I asked Him to bless me with Charity so I could love and help those around me in order to do His work. Well, what I meant when I prayed was to bless me with charity toward those I want to love and serve...what God decided, however, was to teach me true Charity which, I'm beginning to understand, actually means loving everyone, including (and really most particularly) those you don't immediately want to love. I'm also beginning to see that those who are seeking my attention and kindness and friendship are generally the ones who are most in need.

So, I am sorry for being so picky and stingy in my attempts at charity. I'm adjusting my understanding and my attitude and I will do my best to be a better friend to all, especially those who are most in need.

New Year! Hello 2011, Please Be Kind

Despite all my whining, last year (2010) was actually a really good year.

It was one of the most social times in my life.

I became more extroverted than ever before.

Friendships were created, developed, renewed (a few toxic ones were dissolved)

Hundreds (possibly even thousands) of pictures were taken to document a plethora of memorable experiences

I completed two more semesters toward my BA

Finally found a job that works for now

My nephews turned 1 year old and 4 years old

Accompanied my sister-in-law through the Temple; and then witnessed her and my brother's sealing for time and all eternity!

Learned, healed, changed, grew

My creativity and ability to write revived and I wrote some publishable poems

Dropped one pant size

Realized and recovered from my ridiculousness more quickly than ever before

Bought new glasses (mine are like 8 years old, very ineffective)

******************

Now for the new year. I don't really make resolutions. I just want to be a little better than I was last year.

More kind, charitable, and friendly
More patient, understanding, and forgiving
Less angry and irritated
Less selfish/self-centered
Quicker to step up and help out
More involved and active
More focused on the things that matter most (i.e. family, friends, education)
Less afraid...or I should say, more courageous

By the end of this year I should...
Graduate from Weber with my BA
Have a better-paying, full-time job (at least have applications in for such)
Be totally healed from previous relationships
(Hopefully) Be in a new relationship
Have plans in action for living on my own
PUBLISH! Something, ANYTHING!