Heal the Hurt

Over the years, life experiences have taught me a lot about a lot of things, particularly about myself. I've always been shy and insecure. I've always seen myself as generally undesirable: not the prettiest or the smartest or the best at anything. I'm pretty inept at life much of the time. Things that seem to come easily for others are very difficult for me. I should have been done with school years ago. I should have a career and/or a family by now. I should at least be living on my own.

But here I sit, in my little room at my parent's house: no job (not even a prospect); no boyfriend and pathetic enough to count a guy paying for my food as a date...twice in two weeks (pity date much?). I went from the Weasel to Bobpi (one brokenness after another) that's nearly 6 years of negative male interactions (parts were good but it all ended badly because they just couldn't figure out how to communicate in a mature and compassionate fashion).

I've been hurt. Life has beat me up over and over and over again. The moments of happiness have generally been tainted by depression, doubt and regret. I have scars that may never fully heal. I'm in therapy for the third time, trying to fix all that is broken inside of me. I'm working on it, and I'm making progress. It's slow but it's coming along.

One thing I have always wanted is an older brother or some close relationships with male friends. I don't have much in the way of positive male influence in my life. I've always been jealous of friends who have a close relationship with their dad or brothers. My family has never been close like that. I've never really felt comfortable counseling with my family members about any decisions or situations.

That's why my friendship with The Artist means so much to me. That's why Pacman and BMT and Z-ster are so important to me right now. They are my hope that there are good men in the world. They are my hope that someday I will have permanent positive male role models for my children (if I ever have them).

For the first time in a LONG time I am content, I'd even go so far as to say I'm happy. The job will come and in the meantime I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and I have friends and my nephews to keep me busy. School will start again and I will be ready for it this time so I'll do much better than the last two semesters (and I'm a senior now!!!). The guys in my life are setting pretty good examples so far and their kindness and friendship are helping me let go of the bitterness and hurt that's been bottled up inside for too long. I have phenomenal female friends who keep me smiling, active and hopeful.

One of the greatest blessings in my life is the recent reassurance that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. The other day I was feeling terribly down and wanted to just curl up like a little girl in her father's arms to feel safe and cared for and rest for a while there. My dad and I aren't like that at all. As I sat in church, though, an image appeared in my mind of a kind and caring father with his arms outstretched toward me. I imagined myself being lifted into those strong and compassionate arms. The tears streamed from my eyes as I imagined laying my head on his shoulder as he smoothed my hair and told me to rest for a while. I closed my eyes and could nearly imagine the feeling of having His arms literally surrounding me.
Now and then when life gets too hard or my heart is too heavy I imagine this Father comforting me in this way. My earthly father doesn't fill that need, but my Heavenly Father sends his Tender Mercies to reassure me and give me courage to keep going.

One day the hurt will heal. One day I'll be at peace and more consistently happy. For now, I'll take the good moments with gratitude as they come, and endure the not-so-good moments the best I can.

In this moment, life is good :)