missing you

My heart is sad tonight. There are still some big holes that need to be filled in but there's nothing to fill them. The wind blows through and the hurt stings. No songs or movies or books or poems or paintings or...anything helps much. Sometimes I cry it out until it feels a bit better but not tonight. The tears won't come.

I was hoping someone would have a moment for me tonight so I could feel wanted, needed, important...but most of the time I just felt invisible.

When things with Bobpi ended I prayed in a moment of heartwrenched desperation that I wouldn't get involved with another guy until the love of my life comes along. My heart is tired of falling in love with guys who can't or won't love me. I'm not sure which hurts more though, loving the wrong one or not having anyone to love at all. So I've been trying to take that prayer back. I've prayed long and hard for someone new, someone good and kind and eager to love me. But it seems he's not around. So I pray just for a date or two...nada.

I'd be ok with not dating if I at least had some good male friends around, at least one or two. "What about The Artist?" you say? Well, Velcro has a big crush on him and it makes it awkward and difficult. Since she's almost always around whenever he is, I don't get much one-on-one time with him these days. Tonight I sacrificed my time with him so she could be alone with him for a while (at least as long as it takes to drive from the institute to her house a few blocks away). I don't think she believes me when I say I'm not interested in him as more than a friend and I think she might me a bit jealous of our friendship (he generally pays more attention to me). I guess I can understand why people would think I'm in love with him...but I'm not. He's the best guy friend I've ever had and he's really important to me. We've been friends for a really long time and he's the one guy who hasn't betrayed me or left me (yet).

I keep trying to make new friends with guys but it doesn't work so well these days. There are always other girls around competing for their attention (and since I'm not competetive, I end up in the background, invisible again). Another trouble is that I'm terrible at small talk. I want to get into the deep-down, nitty-gritty right off...but most people don't start that way.

The holes cause a feeling of emptiness and I don't know how to fill it. Nothing I try really works, not for long anyway. Often in my life I've struggled with the feeling of missing someone. I have that feeling now. It's a feeling that someone should be here beside me but for some reason that I don't know, he isn't. I don't know where he is or even who he is...all I know is that I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone. I don't think I've even met him yet, but his absence affects me deeply.

If I didn't have such a headache I think I could possibly write a poem right now. But the poetry is still dormant (mostly because of the disconnect between my brain and the rest of my self).

I need a job; I need someone to hold in my arms for a while; I need someone here, now, to talk to but most of the rest of the world is sleeping, as I should be.

I need Dr. Pepper, Ghirardelli chocolate (dark, mint, or caramel), and a great new movie that makes me cry and feel happier at the same time. Alas, all I can do now is go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe drifting into oblivion will ease the heartache and fill some of the emptiness...at least for a while.