My luck with guys has never been very good. The Artist is the one guy in my life who has been a constant friend since we met. He's the one guy in my life that I trust. There's never been any sort of interest for more than friendship on either side and I think that really helps solidify our friendship. He's the big brother I always ached for but was denied. He helped me as much as he could with recovering from the heartbreak from last year but it takes a little more than a friend to pull my heart out of the depressing depths that a nearly two year relationship ending in betrayal sunk me into.
Back in November I started liking Mr. Music. He was intriguing and entertaining and strangely attractive. He gave me someone new to think about. He flirted a bit (at least I convinced myself he was flirting) and that made my heavy heart start to float a little. He gave me something to look forward to, and he got me back into singing. Then something happened and I realized there was no way he'd ever be interested in me so I convinced myself to stop thinking about him, stop trying to flirt, stop hoping we'd ever be anything at all (including friends because he's really not even friendly to me these days). Then a dear friend confessed she liked him too so I decided to put in some extra effort toward suppressing my feelings for him. I don't believe in ruining friendships with girls over dumb boys. My girl friends mean too much to me and I'm too loyal a friend to let something so petty drive a wedge.
Anyway, in the midst of liking Mr. Music, BMT asked me on a date. (My first date since Bobpi). BMT is quite a bit younger than me and therefore I tried so very hard to not let myself like him as anything more than a friend, but that really didn't work out so well. We became friends fairly quickly because our callings at church require us to work together. I went to the institute every Tuesday night for a few months because I knew he would be there; I'd always go with some sort of "church related" reason, but it was really just so I could have one-on-one conversation time with BMT. He told me a couple weeks ago that he liked when I came because I gave him someone to talk to and it helped the time pass in a more enjoyable way.
In general, he is rather strange, extremely sarcastic and I can never quite read him which creates a nice little challenge for me. I really thought he liked me and therefore, I let myself hope that a second date would come. Maybe a month after our first date he asked me to go dancing with him (not long after a conversation we'd had in which I nearly begged him to go dancing with me), but I'm still not sure if it was supposed to be a date or just as friends...and we never went because he took too long to get back to me with the details and I made plans with RSP2. I don't believe in ditching girl friends because of boys so I told him I couldn't go and kept my plans with her instead (even though I really wanted to go dancing with BMT). I kept hoping he'd renew the offer but he never did.
Due to recent events, I've had to suppress my desires and feelings toward BMT. I've been working on talking myself out of liking him and so the last couple of weeks (since that same dear friend decided she liked him) I've been focusing my feelings and thoughts and attentions on Pacman instead.
This past Tuesday night was fun as I mentioned in a previous post. It was nice to hang out with Pacman and BMT for a while. I sat beside BMT when we went to dinner so Pacman would sit across from me (that way I could gaze at his face and talk with him more easily). When time came to pay the bill, the guys were nice enough to pay for me and Velcro and they divided the check by which side of the table we were on. BMT made a joke about it being our second date so I took pictures (because, as anyone who knows me knows I always have my camera with me, ready to capture every moment I spend with friends...or my nephews, but that's another post). BMT put his arm around me for the split second it took for Pacman to click the picture. At that moment I wished I'd been sitting next to Pacman so he could have been my date instead. But oh well. I posted the pictures on Facebook as part of my "blue sky holiday" album because that's where I'm grouping any fun things that make me feel better about life since I've been so down the last while. (The title is from Daniel Powter's Bad Day). Fun with friends makes me happy, that's all.
BMT and I are friends, good-ish friends. I care about him and enjoy his company. We've had a lot of good conversations over the last few months, both surface and personal, which I love (quality conversation is my love language). I'm pretty sure he's not interested in being anything more than friends and I have absolutely no power over him. I can not flirt or coerce him into doing anything he doesn't want to do. I appreciate his blunt honesty and his kind friendship. He saved me tonight by volunteering and going with me to make copies of the photo directory so he could pay for them since I'm beyond broke. Now I can keep my promise to have them on Sunday and save a little face at the same time. He has become a friend and an answer to more than one prayer and I am grateful for him.
I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen with Pacman either...or Z-ster (I found out last night that we're movie pickle buddies and that makes him endearing to me). I'm just still trying to heal from the deep scars left by the Weasel and Bobpi. It's good for me to be a little boy-crazy and let myself start trusting guys again. The bitterness and cynicism and sarcasm of the last few years is finally melting away and I'm starting to open up and feel like myself again. I prayed for help and this is what God has blessed me with: good guys who are completely clueless that they are doing so much good in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment