Part of the problem is that I focus too much on helping others, I make it all about their happiness and forget that I can be happy too. Tonight I figured out a way to make it good for both of us. Velcro got some one-on-one time with The Artist, and I got some one-on-one time with...we shall call him Pacman. I've toyed with the idea of liking him for a while but never give in because I'm fairly certain he's not interested. But we're friends and it's nice to spend a little time with a guy friend besides The Artist.
Pacman is adorable and kind and though he may not love me, he always treats me well. Tonight he opened doors for me, paid for my burger and dropped me off at my car door...then waited until I drove away first. It's not much, but it's enough to melt some of my cynicism and restore a bit of faith in the general male population. And in my mind, I'm calling tonight a mini-date. He didn't ask me out but he was my partner for the balloon toss, gave me a ride (as I said, he opened the doors for me), and paid for my food. Sounds like an impromptu date to me. ;-)
I don't think I've ever been around him without feeling happier. Yeah, I guess you could say there's a little crush forming there...sigh.
I wish I were more attractive. I try to be friendly and feminine. I try to dress as well as I can, keep myself clean and presentable. I try to wear flattering clothes and do my hair as nicely as I know how. Now that summer is here and I don't feel like hibernating so much anymore I'm trying to drink more water and be more active, especially outdoors. I need to get back into shape so I can go hiking and dancing and such without getting weary so quickly. I'm not in bad shape, I'm in much better shape than I have been the last couple of years...but I still have a ways to go before I'm back to where I was a few years ago. After hanging out with Pacman and a few other guys I know, I feel a little more motivated.
The last month or so I've been terribly out of sorts. I've been grouchy and depressed and hiding out. I don't want to be that way. I want to be happy and active. I'm working on it. I'm getting there. Tonight was good. Most likely, friendship is all I'll ever have with any of the guys I know right now...but friendship is good enough for now. I'm alright being single for a while, as long as I have some good guy friends to keep me positive and provide examples of good guys so my cynicism is kept at bay.
So, thank you to The Artist, Pacman, the Mexican, Z-ster and all the other good guys out there, you give me hope. :)
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