Some friends were going to a fireside tonight so after dinner I took a shower. I swallowed some medicine and trudged out the door, determined to forget that I was sick. The fireside was amazing! Jessie Clark Funk (no relation), an LDS musician came to sing for us. She is really great. I coughed a few times because the room was really warm but generally I felt a lot better.
*Side Notes*
* Bobpi and his fiance were there. Part of me wanted to talk with them but they've made it pretty clear (through their silence) that they don't want me in their life. I realized as I watched them from across the room that I'm still sad over the loss of friendship...but they look happy together, so I'm happy for them.
* At one point, for reasons I can't explain, I had an intense sentation wash over me. I looked around, half hoping the weasel was there. As I mentioned before, I can't have him active in my life, but I kind of wish I could run into him in some public place and have a conversation with him. I don't necessarily have anything to say, and I know it's better to keep a safe distance, but there are things that are easier to communicate face to face than in writing...it's complicated. He wasn't there so it really doesn't matter I suppose. That's another lost friendship that makes me sad to think of.
I did my best in both cases, I have nothing to regret, nothing to apologize for...and I'm getting better at letting go. *
Jessie sang a bunch of songs. Some were up beat and fun, others were soulful and religious, and some were heartfelt love songs. She also told stories to go along with some of the songs. It was a really good time. She's pretty and has a great voice and a kind spirit. I wrote in my journal for much of the time. Something about good music inspires the words to flow more freely.
The last story she told was about losing two unborn children and the heartache and faith challenge that come with such a loss. The song she sang was about how God knows better than we do and how we should trust in Him. My eyes filled with tears and my arms and heart ached in a way they haven't in a very long time. Anyone who really knows me knows that my ultimate goal in life is to be a mother. I've been dreaming of my babies since I was a child myself. My 28th birthday is on Wednesday. I never thought I would still be single at this age. I was sure I'd be married with at least one or two children by now. I'm not even dating anyone.
Most days I'm content. I don't dwell on what my life is lacking. I no longer think of my little ones or wish on every star that my husband will come. I haven't given up hope, I simply came to understand that God has a plan. He sees what I don't see. I'm in the valley with curves and boulders in my way but He's up on the mountaintop and knows the best route for the path I'm on. He's given me family and friends. He's given me two adorable nephews who love me. He's given me purpose and step-by-step guidance when I trust in Him to lead me.
I shed a couple of tears and I may shed a few more before I fall asleep tonight but they are not discouraged tears. They are hopeful tears of peaceful longing; a tender, humble prayer to keep me working toward my goal.
Once again I was reassured today that Heavenly Father loves me and knows me. I am in His care and He will bless me with all I need. I was also reassured that my friends love me and stand by me always. Life is good and getting better all the time!
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