just when i start to fall apart
you come along and lift my heart
you understand in such a way
i know i'll make it one more day
whenever i feel lost and alone
just one word, you guide me home
you stand strong when I am weak
and bring the light when life is bleak
I don't know if I'll add more to this poem or not...it's been so long since I've written anything that I'm not sure how much will come now that I'm having little spurts of inspiration or creativity...maybe the block is starting to crumble (I can only hope). The last couple of weeks have been strange and turbulent. Emotionally drained and physically exhausted, I just want to sleep all next week during spring break...but I have a ton of homework and I don't think my friends will let me ignore them like that. I am so blessed and I'm reminded of it rather constantly these days.
Today I was fretting about my computer. I called to see if I could find any information or nudge the progress along and I got nowhere. After hanging up the phone I was so aggitated and upset I couldn't even see straight. Just then I got a text from Midgie. She suggested ice cream as a solution! Brilliant! Just before I left to pick her up Niv called for a chat. She wanted to know if I had time to hang out with her this weekend. I already have plans with RSP2 tomorrow (so I also had to turn down a dancing date with BMT), and The Artist wants to watch Superman on Saturday, which means the whole group will be invited...I'm so blessed! The Enforcer (my new bodyguard and adopted brother) has been a particular blessing and asset to my life. He's the brother of two good friends (and recently adopted sisters) and the boyfriend of another dear friend so I'm included in the span of his influence. He's someone you don't want to mess with and has taken it upon himself to be my personal protector! I love it!
Midgie gets me in a way others don't. She's been through similar things and so she understands the moments of trauma, depression and anxiety. We talked tonight and I felt safe to confide in her. Pieces of my heart are coming together, pieces of my history are slowly fading away. And the artist in me is finally reviving! I've been begging Heaven to bless me with words. I haven't been dealing, I haven't been acknowledging openly the things that have been holding my emotions and my talents hostage. But now, slowly, I'm opening up, I'm learning to trust, I'm allowing others to help me and take care of me. I don't have to be strong alone and stand entirely on my own. I give them love, friendship and acceptance. They give me the same in return.
I've prayed so hard and so long for "my people" and finally the windows of Heaven are beginning to open. I asked Midgie tonight, "I'm so tired, I'm so weary of tears and heartache, isn't it time yet for me to be happy?" She laughed and said, "Not yet, I guess." But generally I am happy. I'm content being single. I have friends I can talk to, friends who hug me, friends who love me and help me be strong. I am generally happy.
Most of all, I am building a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know He knows me. I know He loves me. I know I am in His hands and He is taking care of me. He knows where I've been and all I've been through because he's been there with me, and I know He'll be with me still. I am in His care. He warns me of danger and helps me to stand strong when the turbulence comes and tries to shake me. He provides for my needs and teaches me patience in my want.
I don't know where life will lead. I don't know what paths I will tread or who will be by my side. I don't know how many friends will come and go (and I'm learning that sometimes it is necessary to say goodbye when life leads us in different directions). There's always someone else to pick up where the other left off; a new lesson to learn, a new heart to lift, a new etching on my heart. And each new step provides an opportunity to make the next step better than the last. I am progressing in leaps and bounds. I am moving forward with the help of friends. I'm not alone, I am not weak. I am loved and I am destined for greatness!
Girl you are so awesome and I love your little poem. I promise if you just lose yourself in the writing it will come. I to am so glad to have someone who understands how I feel. It makes a world of a difference. Don't give up. Its when we feel most discouraged that we are doing what is right. I love you and if you need anything don't you dare hesitate. I love hanging with you and cannot wait to play again.
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