06 March 2010

I wish I could understand

I am a nurturer. I am a lover. I am compassionate and empathetic. I look for the best in others and I give the benefit of the doubt. I don't abandon, I don't reject, I don't throw people away.

My greatest satisfaction in life comes from listening, helping, lifting, enouraging, loving, accepting, inspiring, understanding, educating.

The one thing that breaks my heart more than anything is to see a need that I can not fill, to want to satisfy a request but be powerless to do so.

I'm in such a position right now and it kills me. But he and I have been in this place too many times before and every time is the same. He's drawn to me because I am the leader of the Misfits. He is drawn to me because I love and listen and accept; those are things he needs and can not find elsewhere. Perhaps he does realize what he lost in losing my friendship but he doesn't know, he doesn't understand his own manipulations and abuses. He doesn't know about boundaries and rules and acceptable structures of friendships. He doesn't know how to build and maintain trust.

I don't fault him, he was broken when we met; I pity him. I want to be the friend he needs, I want to help him find the right way. But he has power to hurt me; power I ignorantly gave to him long ago and now I don't know how to take it back. I am not vulnerable or depressed as I used to be. In his absence I have found strength and power, light and faith...but none of it is strong enough to support me if I let him back into my life. He would "unintentionally" drag me back down.

My intuition was on high alert all week. The anxiety and deep discouragement I felt last weekend were premonitions of his impending attempts to re-enter my life. I thank Heaven for the warning and the preparation so I could remain calm and compassionate. I had to tell him no. He won't agree with my reasoning but I hope he will honor my request and stay away. I still care about his wellbeing and I have forgiven him...but I can not have him in my life. I often sacrifice greatly for my friends, I would give my life (or whatever else they need) for most of them, but I have nothing left to give him. He has carelessly discarded my trust and my friendship one too many times and I fear he will never be able to win it back.

I hope he understands how sorry I am. I hope he doesn't get angry or bitter, I hope he can just accept it and learn from this to be more careful and take better care of the people and relationships in his life. How many times have I said, "People are what matters"? What a vitally important understanding to gain. If you mistreat them or neglect them, use them or abuse them, they will not be there when you want or need them.

He has great capacity for goodness in him. He can be very kind, very tender, very encouraging and supportive. But somehow, with me, he forgets the goodness (and that could be partially my fault for not enforcing the rules and boundaries...I didn't know how back then but I've learned). He has great potential if he'll just believe in himself and stop holding himself back. I hope he opens his heart and allows the peace and healing in. Maybe one day he'll be in a better place and he'll be someone I can associate with again. But for now my intuition says to keep him away.

So I've blocked him from everything except my blog (for now). I want to keep my blog public because I know there are people I don't know who read it and if anything I say can be of use or do good in their lives I don't want to take that away. I don't think that will be a problem though...

Good luck, sir, and know that my heart is broken on your behalf. I truly hope you find what you are looking for...it isn't me.

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