My moment of self pity and insecurity tained my whole weekend and spilled over to Monday. By the time I got to FHE I was suppressing my tears with bitter sarcasm. Not good. I could not restrain myself from letting depressed comments whisper from my lips. I was asking for help, wanting someone to coax from me the thoughts and feelings creating my Eeyore cloud of gloom and doom.
I love and appreciate The CU Kids, The Artist, Cousin C, my newly adopted siblings, and Dirty D for giving me the permission and encouragement I needed to spill my guts. I've been bottling again and my stress and depression came from the panicked feeling that I had nowhere to uncork. I can write and write all I want but eventually I need to vocally vent...to someone. I need to work it out, hear how stupid some of it sounds, and receive feedback on the stuff I can't figure out on my own. What I needed the most was reassurance. I needed to voice my fears and have them refuted.
I usually try to hide my feelings, particularly my insecurities, from my friends because I'm afraid that if I show my doubts and vulnerability they will stop being my friend. Right now I am happy with the group of friends I have. In fact, I'm happier than I've been since Spring/Summer of 2003 because I have a group of friends I can have fun with. Friday is when the depressing, fear-invoking lies started taking root in my brain.
The first thought was, "I'm happy, I love my friends and they love me!"
The next thought was, "Enjoy it while you can, it won't last...it never lasts long, then you'll be all alone again."
With that thought, fear gripped my heart and wouldn't let go.
Every little word or action that could possibly be misconstrued added up in my mind to create the beginnings decay, the first signs that my social life was on the verge of crumbling.
Seriously, I don't know what's been wrong with me, I haven't had thoughts so absurd and out of control in quite a while. I felt completely unloved and entirely unnecessary. I thought everyone was just putting up with me because my house was conveniently located and available and that given the opportunity I would be dropped and excluded
I talked it out, found love, reassurance, acceptance and a deeper connection with my newish friends. This morning I got the following text message from my dearest, The Artist: "You are a person of great worth and awesomeness...your job is to believe this :)" What a sweetheart! I am so blessed with great friends who love and accept me, and who are willing to remind me of who I am and what I am worth when I falter or forget.
We all long for deep connections with other people. It's got to be hard if you don't feel like you have that. I know I've felt that way on and off a lot in my life. The times that were the most rewarding were when I felt like I could say anything to someone and still feel accepted. It sounds like you can relate to that.
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