Hold Me

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm tired. I didn't eat. I cried in church today because I talked about my Gramma. I took my parents to the airport and cried on the way home because if I can't have her back I at least want to go to the funeral...but I can't go (because of school and the monetary expense).


All these add up to my head throbbing and my heart aching. Today was a difficult day.


A few years ago I had a bunch of really affectionate friends. There were days when I exchanged up to ten hugs from ten different people. I've always been a hugger and it's been a really long time since I had a really good hug. Andy, Jimmy, Scott, Jon, Robby, Eric, Jerry, Jason, Omar, and other friends were all really great at giving hugs. All taller, broader, and stronger than me; all kind and affectionate and caring...about me. They gave what I call cuddle-hugs: fully encompassing, cradling almost, and lingering.

I felt safe and comfortable...secure and not alone. It's been a while since I've seen any of them. It's been a long while since I've felt that loved, that safe, that protected. It's been a while since I've had a really good hug. Most days I'm okay with it. Most days I ignore the loneliness and put a smile on my face.

Even today, I cried a little but for the most part I smiled and I got through it. But I wanted so much to see one of those old friends, have him walk up to me and grab me in his arms and just hold me. I really need someone to just hold me. I'm not heavy, I'm not falling apart. I'm sad about my Gramma and I don't even have my best friend here to talk me through it, so I just want someone to hold me until some of the heartache eases, until some of the time passes and the good stuff starts to come.

But there isn't anyone. I have no one in my life who knows how to cuddle-hug. I have no one in my life who is affectionate and comfortable enough to just hold me.

It's ok though. I felt really low so I was curled up in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy (because that's how I cope) and I got a text message from The Man. We had a nice conversation. He asked me to take an institute class with him this semester. He needed a friend and thought of me. While we were texting, Smeagle chatted with me on Facebook and gave me a cyber-hug. A couple other friends chatted or text messaged. I don't have anyone to cuddle-hug me but I have friends to stand by me and help me through it. It's not the way I wanted to be comforted but it helped. I still have friends who care even if they don't show it in the way I want them to.

I'm grateful for The Man, Smeagle, Em, The Artist, and other friends and ward members who reached out in their way. I'm grateful for friends and strangers who are praying for my family and sending us their happy thoughts. Thank you :-)