one on one

Last night my phone rang. It was my visiting teacher. She asked what I was up to and I told her, "not much." She asked if I wanted to go with her to a party. My other option was to sit at home and watch TV so I said, "Sure!" She said she'd pick me up at 7:30. I always get a little nervous when I'm waiting for someone to pick me up. I don't know why, maybe I'll explore that at some point...it's best if I can find something to occupy my mind until they arrive. I've been trying to sing more so I sat down at the piano and openned the book for Scarlet Pimpernell. I'd had songs from this musical in my head all day.

I can't really play the piano, but I can plink out the top hand and sing along...it helps with my sight reading when I am in choirs. Singing calms my nerves and opens my heart. It's poetry with a little extra something. I love it!

So my VT came a little late, but she sent me a text telling me, which I very much appreciated. We went to a friend's house and played games, ate cake and cookies, and had a lot of fun! I was familiar with everyone there and I am becoming better friends with many of them. I think two of the girls have decided to adopt me. They are sisters and positively adorable. When my VT and I were leaving the girls gave me sad puppy faces and said they didn't want me to go. I hugged them and promised to hang out with them again soon. They are cute girls.

When we got back to my house my VT came in to look at a picture of a girl in our ward (since I'm "the ward stalker"...I'm in charge of the photo directory so I get to hunt people down and keep track of who comes and goes. It's actually a perfect calling for me because I'm all about the names and faces instead of statistics). We started talking and she ended up staying for quite a while.

I've been aquainted with her for quite a while, but I've never really had a good conversation with her. I found out that she and I are actually quite a bit alike. It's funny, I'm more like other people than I thought. I keep finding more people what are similar and the gap I've created around myself seems to be diminishing. It's good. I'm more open and honest with people than I've ever been in my life. I talk a lot about myself when I meet people now because I want them to know and understand me. I want them to know that I'm someone they can trust, someone they can rely on. I want them to feel comfortable with me. It seems to be working.

More than anything else in the world I love one on one conversations. I love getting to know the person behind the eyes and that's more easily accomplished when it's just me and one other. I do need to remember to shut my mouth and listen a little more sometimes, but generally we're pretty balanced in our conversation (as long as the other person will open up and talk too...I ramble more when the other person is quiet or withholding, unless I can tell there's something they want to say...then I am pretty good at just waiting for them to talk).

It was a great experience. I'm so grateful that she would think of me and invite me to go with her and I am grateful that she and I were able to bond a bit. We're both really interested in human behavior and psychology so it gave us a lot to talk about.

I think I might change my major...or maybe I'll double major instead of minoring. I think I might have a future in psychology after all. It's always been there in the background as something I really want to explore...but I'm afraid, it's a lot bigger than creative writing. I'm taking the safe road with majoring in creative writing. I'm insecure in my ability to complete a degree in Psychology. What if I fail? But not trying is a greater failure.

Sorry, that was a tangent. I think one reason I'm so bad at first dates is because it's all just surface stuff. Who wants to delve into deep, personal conversation on a first date? I do, but most other people don't...as far as I know. I feel fake when I'm on a first date. I'm afraid of showing too much of myself all at once, but I want them to know the real me. Usually I end up being so nervous that I just ramble with too much excitement...or I clam up and don't talk much at all. Why is it hard for me to talk to some guys and not so hard with others? If they are just friends I can talk to them. If I know they don't have interest in me or if I don't have interest in them I can talk to them without any trouble at all.

You know, actually I think it's more that if I know where they stand in regard to me I can talk to them just fine. If there's any uncertainty I forget how to be myself when I'm around them. So I think that from now on I'd like to skip the first date and go straight to the second, is that ok? I think there's a slight flaw in my logic, eh? Sigh...oh well.