"Grieving? Like grief? Aw, but the only thing that cures that is time." ~ Hodgins
I want to be done grieving over past relationships. I've been focusing on forgiveness (both extending and seeking) and I'm making progress, but still have some unresolved emotion. I keep catching myself talking to one of them in my head. I dreamed of Bobpi a few nights ago and woke up with him on my mind. I was halfway through my shower before I consciously realized I was talking to him. I told myself to stop. I said a little prayer for him and found something else to think about. I don't want him back. I want closure. I want a conversation. I want to go for a drive with him and just talk things out. I want to listen to his perspective and hear his honest thoughts and feelings on the subject of us.
In order to settle things inside myself I need to talk things out with someone who has answers. He's the only one with answers...but he needs to put it all in a box marked "the past: it's over" and forget about it. We deal with things in different ways. That's ok.
Nothing I say or do will convince him to talk to me. Nothing I say or do will cause him to understand what I need or move him to compassion that will help me work through what happened between us. I want his honesty, the honesty he's always withheld from me. But there's nothing I can do to get that from him. So what I have to do is change the way I deal with it. All I can do is alter my perspective, my attitude, my life.
He's a part of me, he will always be a part of me because I loved him. Todd, Teddy, The Weasel, each of the men I've loved will always be a part of me. I let Todd go. Teddy and I talked things out to my satisfaction and I was able to see him happy and moved on and I am so happy for his happiness. I don't worry about him. I don't worry about Todd either...
The Weasel's been on my mind too...No anger or hostility, I've worked through it all and I'm settled. But I'm concerned. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I don't know if he's ok or not. He's on my mind so I wonder. But there is nothing I can do because he and I don't work, at all, particularly as friends. I wish so much that we could but it seems that my ideal of being friends with guys I've formerly been involved with can not be. And that has to be ok. So I pray. When he's on my mind, I pray for him and find something else to think about.
I am a compassionate and empathetic person. I am intuitive and perceptive. But all I can do is pray so that has to be enough. I have no power in and of myself. All power comes from God so it's ok that I can't do anything except pray. It's in God's hands. We are all in His hands so I need to trust Him. Trust has never been my forte. People are not trustworthy. We are imperfect, we make mistakes, we are selfish and we hurt the ones we love. But God is perfect. He doesn't make mistakes and He is the one we can trust implicitly. So He is the one I will rely on, he is the one I will trust. He will get me through. He is my strength and my comfort.
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