In the Right Place

I don't understand the process of my life. I don't understand the timing or what my experiences are good for. But I know there's a bigger picture. I can't see it now, but it's there. Right now, my life is what it needs to be. I'm in the right place at Weber. The classes I'm taking, the teachers I have (most of them anyway) are what I need right now to help me progress and move to the next phase of life. They also help me make sense of the past.

One of my classes this semester for my minor in Family Studies is Marriage as an Interpersonal Process. The lesson today was about Core Needs and Fears. I can't explain how much perspective it gave me on my relationship with Bobpi. It's like so many of the things that I've been struggling with understanding finally settled during this class.

My perspective was foggy and I couldn't find anyone to explain things to me in a way that would make it clear. I knew we had communication problems: I have a tendency to come off as being critical/critisizing, and he just doesn't talk, he avoids. Another problem we had was that neither of us knew or understood each others core needs and fears. We didn't have any real sense of a common goal or purpose. The relationship was necessary on an individual basis but it would never have worked as an eternal companionship.

I have been beating myself up, thinking if I had done this or that differently, if I'd been myself or if I'd just tried harder then we would have worked out. I've been talking circles in my mind at Bobpi, accusing him and seeking understanding of his perspective (which, of course is pointless since he's not in my mind so he can't respond).

The point that I'm trying to make is that I see now that he and I were never meant to marry. It would not have been the right pairing. I let go of the idea of he and I as a marriage possibility when he started dating his current girlfriend, I haven't wanted him back in that way. But I needed to make sense of WHY he and I were not meant to be. That's just how I am, I need to make sense of things and find answers and not leave things unresolved. I need closure. Now I have it. I've been able to see how our personalities conflict, how our goals and motivations are very different. I have been able to come to terms with the concept that loving someone doesn't mean they have to be a constant focused and active part of your life.

He's not what I wanted in a boyfriend or in a friend. He has very different ideas and practices than I do and one thing I learned today is that THAT'S OK! I have very strong ideals and perspectives and opinions and it isn't fair of me to judge others or hold them accountable to my standards. I do wish he had been more honest and up front with me, I think that's a universal truth, "honesty is the best policy" (it's cliche' for a reason). But I forgive his shortcomings and weaknesses as I hope he forgives mine (for I know mine are many).

I hope one day we're able to be active friends again because I do miss certain aspects of being in contact with him (particularly Greek food and TV discussion -- we mesh really well on those two factors). But there's nothing I can do about it now and I'm good with that. I've done all I can to work things out and now I'm settled. I'm a little slow sometimes but I always come around to figuring things out. I no longer have any regrets where Bobpi is concerned. Things went the way they did and they will continue to go as they should. I'm grateful for what I gained because of his influence in my life. I am grateful that life changes and gives us new opportunities. Nothing is set in stone. Nothing temporal is eternal and that gives me hope for better interactions in the future.

So, one of my big goals for this year is to focus on positive communication in all my relationships. I will work on celebrating, appreciating and respecting instead of criticizing.

Class today gave me a better perspective of things. I'm glad I'm single right now because I have a couple things I need to work on and resolve before I'm able to be the kind of girlfriend I want to be. I'm progressing and I'm on the verge of a good place. I just have a few more steps until I'm there. My feet aren't quite on solid and level ground at the moment. I'm working on cultivating myself into the best I can be so I can be what my future husband deserves in a wife.

I'm in the right place to lead me to the best place. Life is a process, so I know that I will always have things to learn and qualities to adjust and improve. I am grateful for that. Life would get pretty boring if I were perfect. But I would like to be a little closer to perfect than I am right now ;-)