Side-Effects of My Best Traits

Yesterday in my Marriage as an Interpersonal Process class we talked about how our best character traits can (and usually do) have negative side-effects. These side-effects can be the source of problems in our relationships. How can it be that good qualities and character traits, such as kindness, sense of humor, honesty, compassion, spiritual or intellectual depth, hard working, progressive, organized, self motivated, confidence, and other good traits be a negative in a relationship?


Every good trait comes with a liability. For example, what could be a liability of being attractive? Attractive people often get attention from undesirable people. Another example is someone who is hard-working may become a workaholic who never has time for family and friends. Compassionate people, those who are loyal and forgiving, or people who are kind to a fault may be taken advantage of or are prone to being hurt by the carelessness or abuse of others.


This lesson helped me to see some of the negative side-effects of some of my good traits. Two of the traits that are particularly problematic are:

1) I like to be helpful. I want to help everyone...whether they need my help or not.

2) I am progressive. I like to always be working on improving and refining myself...therefore I think others should do the same.


Put the two together and I tend to be too pushy and opinionated because I want to help others improve. My intention is good, my application is not. Being helpful is a good trait but I need to learn to wait until my help is requested instead of trying to force my help on others. Improving myself is a good trait and even encouraging others toward improvement is good...as long as it's in a supportive and by request kind of way. Otherwise it's seen as being selfish and critical.


So, I'm a good person, I just need to be more aware and in control of the side-effects of my "good" qualities.


Another good quality I struggle with is honesty. I have become somewhat obsessed with the concept of honesty. I want people to be completely and bluntly honest with me. I tend to be a little slow sometimes and I have trouble determining the exact intention of people when they are subtle or vague. I like to know exactly where I stand with people. That's fine I guess, I won't be offended when people are honest because I have requested it. But, the side-effects are that I do get a little offended when people are not honest with me. And, I have a tendency to be too blunt and rather tactless with my own honesty toward others. I want them to know exactly where I stand...but too often they don't appreciate my directness. So, I'll work on that too.

I like this class, it's really helping to make me aware of my weaknesses. Now I just need to figure out how to transition my weaknesses into strengths, or just cut them out of me altogether. I love learning!