2009 six feet under

It's 4:30 in the morning on New Year's Day and I haven't been to sleep...and I probably won't sleep.

2009 was wretched. I've mentioned that. It was a really difficult year; I've never been so relieved to see a year pass. It was brutal to the very last moment.

I woke up New Year's Eve morning more tired than when I went to bed. So I stayed in bed. I forced myself up around 11:30am and stright into a hot peppermint bath. It didn't help like I hoped so I spent the day curled in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Around 4:30pm I made myself get ready because I had plans with Shygirl and The Artist. They came over and by 7pm (after some chatting) we started season 3 of Heroes (thank you Target for the great deal!).

Toward the end of the third episode my dad asked to speak to me. He told me my Gramma had suffered a bleeding stroke and that she was in the hospital, unresponsive and hooked up to a ventalator (sp?). He said his older brother was flying from Florida to Ohio in the morning to assess the situation and to give the doctors permission to take her off the vent to see if she could breathe on her own. Shocked, I didn't know what to think or feel. My friends and I were planning to go to Froggie's house for her NYE party. We were already late and just waiting until the end of the episode to leave. So, we went.

After a while The Artist wasn't feeling well and Shygirl didn't want to be at the party anymore so we left. The Artist dropped us off at my house and went home to see if he could make himself feel better and meet up with us at a dance we had planned to go to. When we got inside the house my dad told me he'd talked with the hospital and his brother and the doctors said she was gone and there was no sense in waiting. My Gramma was dead.

I couldn't process it. I couldn't think about it. We went to the dance. I cried a little on the way but I made myself stop. My Gramma hated crying. She wouldn't have wanted me to change my plans on her account. She would have said there's no sense in sitting around moping over her.

When we got home from the dance The Artist came back over and we watched some more Heroes. I didn't want to be alone.

Now I'm alone. I can't sleep. All the heartache, the loss, the wretchedness of 2009 is too raw, too fresh. In a week I lost someone I thought would be my dear soul friend forever, and my Gramma. Bestest Friend is still on her cruise in Australia and I miss her more than ever right now. I am so grateful that Shygirl and The Artist and another friend were here with me tonight. I'm grateful for all my dear friends and I'm sorry I have been wishing for something else. You are wonderful and I am so very grateful I have you in my life. You are more than enough and I am so blessed.

I miss my Gramma. For a long time she and my Uncle were my favorite family members. She was spunky and stern but so giving, so caring. She centered her life around taking care of others. She never met a stranger, she adopted everyone as her own family. I always said she was too stubborn to die...I guess I was wrong. She was my babysitter when I was a kid. She picked me up from school so many times when I was sick or injured. She helped raise me for 11 years. She's come every Christmas except one since we moved to Utah (15 years). She was here for the weddings of both my sister and brother...and now she won't get the chance to see me (if I ever get married). She won't know my kids. I should have spent more time with her when she was here last week. I should have stayed home with her instead of going to a movie with my friends the night everyone else when to the Jazz game. I should have listened to her, even if she did tell the same five stories over and over. Now I'll never hear her voice again.

She was my last grandparent. Now what do I do?

All I have to say is that there better be some really incredible blessings coming my way in 2010. I can't take another year like the last. It was too much. Way too much. I did my best and I survived. I let go of the bitterness and anger and I forgave those who have hurt me...even the more recent hurts: I hold no anger or bitterness toward my dearest Bobpi though his betrayal cuts me to the core. I'm only sad. And now, my heart isn't strong enough for any more.
Dear 2010, please, let me rest in your embrace. Please build me up and give me love instead of taking it all away. I've shed more tears this year than I can ever remember before. I could have floated away and now they still spill from my tired eyes.

I'm so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of hurting.
I'm just so tired...

Goodbye 2009 I'm so relieved to see you go.
Goodbye dear Bobpi, I wish you had listened; I wish you had understood; I wish you had loved me truer because I would grately appreciate your friendship right now; I wish you wanted to be my friend (for that is all I ever want from you again); I wish you love, happiness and success throughout your life.

Goodbye Dearest Gamma. I love you; I miss you...