It's a Choice

Once again, I don't agree with the way things are turning out, but choices were made and I have to honor the agency of those involved. He made a choice and I have to accept that. A song from Wicked keeps coming to mind because it just fits so well:

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl...

Right now, I guess none of that really matters, as long as I have his transcentent friendship, I'll be just fine. I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now, he's still here, still talking to me, still showing me he cares...and it's enough.

Also, God is here. He keeps giving me little nudges of encouragement; He knows what's going on, He knows how to make it better. So, I'm in His hands. As long as I have friends and family who love me and who are willing to lend me their strength when I have lost all of my own, I know I can make it through anything.

I have been isolating myself for so long that I forget that it is okay to ask for help. I was told once, "you ask too much of friends...you're too heavy." In my darkness, I took those words to heart and decided I had to deal with everything on my own. Now I see that those words were forced upon me by someone who was selfish and broken and unable to be a true friend. I see they are not words of truth. I have friends who truly care about my joys and sorrows, they are there for me (they say call day or night if I need). Another dear friend told me recently, and I quote,
"Who else are you going to whine to? I am a good friend. Stop suffering alone." (interesting, he who causes the heartache can also heal it with true words of love and friendship).

I have had such an outpouring of love and acceptance recently and I am so grateful to my dear friends who give me a safe place to relieve my heart.

They know that I am there for them as well. I have done my share of listening and supporting and calming through the years and they know I am here whenever they need a friend. We lean on each other, we lift each other, together we rise above the struggles and sorrows of life. I am so grateful for their constant love and acceptance.

I also have a great mom whom I have underappreciated for most of my life. She is strong and has overcome so much in her life. She has gone before and fought, and won, the battle I struggle with today: the sometimes debilitating depression. Last night I fell apart. I couldn't fight anymore because the darkness and the heartache were too much for me. She made me talk. She sat on the floor with me and let me cry. She held me and told me it was enough, that I didn't have to fight anymore, that I paid the price and it was enough. She said it would be over soon and just to hold on a while longer, the end was near; the light would come.
I'll try to trust in her more. I'll do my best to accept her help and appreciate her experience and empathy. I'm so grateful for my mom.

Most importantly, Heaven is with me, on my side always. I am not alone. I'm going to be just fine.