It Hurts on the Heart Side

One year at Girl's Camp I was voted: Most Tender-Hearted.

"easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind; affectionate or loving; sentimental; considerate or careful; acutely or painfully sensitive; easily broken, fragile"
~ Definitions of tender from dictionary.com.

Yep, that's me. I'm great with empathy because I take everything to heart. I feel everything deeply and completely. It's a great thing when I can understand another person's brokenness or struggle or heartache...
it's not such a great thing when it causes me to be extra-sensitive to disappointment or the cruelty of others.

I just want to love everyone I come in contact with. I want to hug them and give them the love they never received or simply fill in the crevices if that's all they need. I try to be nice, treat people with kid gloves so as to not inflict harm. I would never hurt anyone on purpose. Any hurt I have caused has been simply overflow of the hurt I feel that I can't figure out how to contain.

I'm here to love and to heal, never to harm.

Sadly, sometimes people misunderstand or misinterpret my attempts at kindness, friendship and love. Mostly the problem is with guys. I want to be friends but they think I'm hitting on them or madly in love with them and run away. Or, they see my tenderness as a weakness or vulnerability and exploit my kindness, twisting it and tearing my heart apart. I'm so weary of guys shredding my heart. I'm exhausted from guys making promises they don't keep. I'm tired of thinking I've found a friend, only to discover he is false and fleeting.

He's probably just busy with finals and life but I just don't know. It feels like more than that.

Today it hurts on the heart side. I miss him but he doesn't seem to care anymore. He's breaking all his promises and it makes me so sad. I can't say anything because he still just doesn't understand. He hasn't forgiven me (because he still doesn't understand). And to make matters worse, he's in the new love-bubble so he can't see clearly. His lack of vision wrenches my already tattered heart. I want his friendship but he seems to be incapable of being a true friend right now. Are there any men who know how to be a true friend? The Artist has been pretty good at
it thus far...even when he's dating someone, he sticks around and makes time to let me and his other friends know he cares. I thought the other would be that way, he promised to be but he's not doing so well.

All I know is I miss him; he seems to be changing and not for the better. She makes him a smaller man. She's not protective, she's possessive and controlling...stealing him away from his friends. Never in my life have I asked a boyfriend to neglect his friends, no matter their history.

He won't listen to me. He won't talk to me. It seems these days that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...so I want to get him out of me. I want to stop caring so his ignorance and avoidance and lies will stop hurting my heart. But I can't. I'm not bitter, I'm not closed off. I'm not building walls or numbing. I'm not shutting down. I'm open and pursuing life...I'm moving forward. But I can't keep it from hurting on the heart side when I feel his absence so acutely.

He wanted to love me when I was broken and not myself. But it wasn't real love or he would have forgiven me and stood by me until I healed. He was blinded by the love-bubble the whole time we were together. He refused to admit my defects (though I told him almost daily that I was broken and defective) until the bubble burst...then the shards pierced him and he still wouldn't see me clearly.
He said recently that he wanted to see that I've changed but then he turned and walked away. How can he see the real me if he's gone? How can he claim to care when he's never around? He said he didn't want to hurt me but his lies and his lack of honesty hurt me. His lack of compassion and understanding hurts me. His silence hurts me...missing him hurts me. He promised and now he's acting like a jerk. And that hurts more than anything.

Now there's nothing I can do...except wait. So I'll wait for as long as it takes...he's going to need my friendship at some point and I'll be here with open arms and an open heart.