Bestest Friend has been gone on a cruise for a week and a day now. I've been doing fine. I had a pleasent Christmas with family and I hung out with EB and The Artist...and The Man (I adore him and though I feel horrible on his behalf, I'm secretly a little glad that his current misfortune has brought his friendship back to me). I am so grateful for my dear friends and I appreciate the time we spend together, but I miss my Bestest Friend. I need to talk about things. I need to fall apart and have her there to listen and then help me piece things back together.
This year was terrible...probably the most difficult I've had in my life. I'm not saying there weren't good moments, there were, but it was a really hard year. Healing hurts. This was a year of breaking open and a lot of feelings and overwhelming emotion...and healing. One thing I've learned is that healing is a lonely process. When you are emotionally broken and in the process of finding a way to put yourself back together, people go away. Misery may love company, but it very often doesn't find any. I have had people around, lingering in the background and ready to step in when I'm having a good day and am ready to have fun...but in the truly difficult or painful moments, I've found myself usually alone.
No one understands what I've been through, though I've tried to explain just so I don't have to go through it alone, no one really understands. I know that God knows...but in a lot of these dark moments of anguish, it feels as though even He has turned His attention away.
Bestest Friend has done the best she could but this was a big year for her. She met the love of her life in January and was majorly wrapped up in him. My love life crumbled to pieces and I'm left without even the promised friendship. The loss of the friendship hurts more than the loss of a romantic relationship. His betrayal cuts so deeply that I can't even find the words to express the hurt. He promised and he broke his promise. I'm not angry, I'm just sad and hurt.
Right now I need a true friend. I need someone who won't abandon me, who will be by my side no matter what. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that the year is over (almost) and that next year will be better because I deserve to be happy. This year hurt more than almost any other year of my life and I just need someone to tell me that the hurt will end and the joy will come. I feel lost at sea, tossed on the waves and windblown. I don't want to be swallowed by the depths, I want to be rescued and made to feel safe. I want a safe and warm lap to rest my head on. I want someone to comb their fingers through my hair and soothe the fear and the ache that is raging inside.
I believe that next year will be better. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that school will be good, that I'll find a job I like before my funds completely run dry. I believe new friends will come and fill the void left by others. I believe the fear will fade and the ache will cease. I believe I'll wake up and not wish I hadn't. I believe joy will come as I seek it and invite it. But tonight, I miss my best friends. Tonight my heart hurts and the hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I can't see how my beliefs will become reality. Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow my vision will be washed clean. Maybe tomorrow I'll find a true friend who has some sympathy, some answers, some love to give...
I've felt like that before. I think at some point we all feel alone and want somebody or something new. It's good that we don't get too complacent I think, and yet it's kind of sad and hard to manage at times as well.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find the friend you're looking for.