Filter

We are reading Frankenstein in my British Lit class. One of the main themes is:

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

I'm trying to apply that to my blogging. Just because I can say anything, doesn't mean I should.
I keep writing blog posts, posting them, then taking them down. I don't know what to say. I don't know what's ok and what isn't, I don't know who reads and who doesn't. I don't know how what I say is received by those who do read.
So I'm working on censuring myself. I don't want my blog to be a dumping ground anymore. I want to be uplifting and enlightening, not preachy or accusing or complaining.

Life is good and I want to share the good. So I'm working on my filter.

Thankful for...

ever extending family (both biological and eternal)

a movie and chat with The Artist (my soul-twin)

children

four-day weekends

dear and lasting friends

movies, books, music, art

life: opportunities to correct mistakes, change defects, gain better perspective, grow, learn, improve, and evolve into who I want to be.

conversation with my dad...real, true, honest, meaningful, insightful.

Holidays are Joyful

The holidays tend to encourage a reminiscent spirit. Today I thought about Thanksgivings past and realized that this year is the first in five years that I am not "involved" with someone...

My sister and her family are spending the day with her in-laws. My parents, and my brother and his wife will be here much of the day and for the feast...but after dinner my brother and sister-in-law are going to spend time with her family and my parents are going to the Jazz game. Shygirl will be with her parents, Bestest Friend with her in-laws, the Artist with his family, as will all others. So, I guess I will spend the holiday hanging out with myself.

It's ok though. I like myself these days and that's something to be grateful for. I'll probably continue my Sandra Bullock movie marathon and work on my homework.

It's hard to believe next week is the end of the semester. It has gone by so fast. I think it's a tender mercy. The last few months would have been a lot more difficult if it felt eternal. It's a lot easier to believe in "this too shall pass" when the days blur with the speed of light. This entire year has been rather intense. I've done an about-face from where I was last year. 180 degree difference. I'm content.

The holidays are often difficult for those of us who are painfully aware of our singularity. My older and younger siblings are married, leaving me the odd one out at family gatherings...or otherwise. But I'm ok with it this year. I'm content to spend the rest of the year finishing my transition and finding my lasting peace. I've gained great strength of character this year. Next year will be a year of building anew and I want to make sure the foundation is firm and functional. I look forward to many blessings and new experiences in 2010.

I've decided to stop dwelling in the past. If I've learned anything from my Creative Non-fiction class this semester it is that I no longer want to write about where I've been and what I've been through, I'm so tired of constantly rehashing my heartaches, defects and disappointments. From now on I am writing for the moment and for the future. That is where hope comes into play.

I was told once that I need to "have love in [my] heart and hope in the future," I haven't done so well with those concepts over the last few years, I've been broken, bitter and angry, depressed and afraid. NO MORE! Peace, love, faith and hope is my new mantra. I guess I should add trust and patience in there as well. Those are the main virtues this year has taught me...or is trying to teach me. :-) As I said, next year will be much better.

So I'll enjoy my Thanksgiving and look forward to Christmas...my Gramma and Uncle will be here for Christmas! That's the greatest joy I can ask for! My dearest Uncle has always been one of my very favorite people. I can't explain it, he's just one of the few people who have made his way into the very deepest place in my soul. He's been a near stranger most of my life, drifting in and out over the years so I'm grateful that he's made a habit of coming for Christmas. He's what makes my Christmas joyful!

one step enough for me...

Guide me through the moment
tell me how to use my hands
and where to place my feet
hold the pieces of my heart

mend them into something new

bless my eyes to see what's true

I cannot go on further alone
I'm shaken and weary to the bone
Help me make it safely home

Today I am grateful for perspective gained from experience that lends understanding in difficult moments...and for the knowledge that change and blessings come to those who wait patiently on the Lord.

I'm breathing through it...eventually things will fall into place. Right now it feels like everything is up in the air, out of my reach. I'm waiting for it to come down, I'm waiting for it to settle. I'm fairly certain I'll be waiting for a while. But I'm getting pretty good at waiting. It's ok, gives me time to reflect and contemplate the wonders of the universe and whatnot. It's gonna be ok.

Eeyore Day

Yesterday was an Eeyor day. The whole sky was overcast due to a pending storm and it made my head ache and my spirits sink. Watching ABC Family Christmas movies all day didn't help like I hoped it would. Even shopping for a new computer didn't push the clouds completely away. Some days are just that way.

Focusing on homework last night was useless so instead I baked pumpkin bread, watched Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (yea Sandra Bullock!) and chatted with a friend on Facebook. It helped for a while.

This morning I woke up excited to go to church. I'm getting to know a lot of the ward members and I don't feel so alone or out of place in my ward right now. And I love being in choir...the one time when Christmas music before Thanksgiving makes sense! ;-)

The sky is overcast and it smells like snow outside. My headaches a bit because of the weather and my heart is a little weary because of unanswered questions and life moments that still don't make sense...but I'm not discouraged. Things are going to work out. The Lord is with me and I know that His perspective is much clearer than mine.
Life is good and getting better...

how much is too much when it comes to the one you love?

Disclaimer: I know it's just a TV show, but I love watching certain kinds of shows because they often lead me to philosophical meditation. Such deep thinking often leads to considering my own beliefs...which then usually helps me adjust my perspective. Besides, the character and plot intricacies also help with my creativity and writing. When a line of dialogue or a plot twist catches my attention it jump-starts my brain and I have to write.

Heroes is one of my favorite TV shows. For the last few episodes Hiro has been trying to save the love of his life, Charlie. He is "master of space and time" so he has been traveling back and forth through time (even though it's killing him because he has a brain tumor) trying to save Charlie. First he saved her from Syler (a.k.a. the brain man) and an aneurism, now from an apparant psychopath who has kidnapped her until Hiro does what he tells him to...or so he said.

The concept of love has been on my mind recently. This week my thoughts on the subject were particularly focused on: how much is too much when it comes to the one you love? Is there a line? How long do you hang on to loving someone? How hard do you fight for them? Is there a point where you just give up and walk away?

Not all my thoughts stem from fiction, here's an example from real life:
I know a couple who have had some really hard times. For the majority of their thirty years together the wife was pretty crazy. She suffered from Depression and Anxiety and she would freak out over the smallest things. She threatened to leave, she threatened suicide and there were times their children wished she would follow through with one of her threats. But she didn't.
I often wonder why the man didn't leave his wife. Why would he stay when she was often so wretched to him? Why would he stay with her, when she got the knife from the drawer and tried to slit her wrist...or when she yelled and threw furnature at him; or used their savings to pursue selfish and irrational dreams?
Was he crazy too? Should he have left?

He didn't leave. He stayed. He never allowed his children to speak badly of their mother, he supported her through everything. They are still together to this day. She got help. She worked things out inside herself (largely because of his love and support) and she is perfectly sane and stable and they are very happy now. Because he loves her enough to endure all and conquer all for her.

I guess this couple is where I get my determination that love (plus patience and understanding) can conquer all. And, Hiro will go to any lengths to save Charlie...with the brain tumor, he may even go to the extent of dying for her.

I would (insert your favorite cliche') for the one I love...but would he do the same for me?

I guess the real question that I'm getting at is:

Do you think love like that really exists in the world today? My heart has that sort of stamina and determination, but am I an exception or the rule?

I wish he'd stayed for me. I wish he'd loved me enough...I wish he'd relied on the answer he got instead of giving up. I wish I'd had the words to tell him it would all be worth it if he could just hang on a little longer. But things don't change because I wish them to. I love him with my whole heart...which means, right now, I love him enough to let him go. If I were selfish I would fight for him, but selfishness has no place in lasting love. He's asked me to let him move on so that is what I am doing. One day someone will come who will love me endlessly and infinitely.

I believe in love that conquers all. I believe it does still exist and that it will exist for me.

Baby!

After stake conference I made Shygirl go with me to the hospital so I could hold my new baby nephew who was born last night around 5pm. He's so adorable! He has so much hair! I loved him instantaneously. Thank Heaven for miracles mascarading as bundles of joy!

I came home and played with Baby's older brother, my dear, The Kid for the rest of the day.

What more could I ask to make my day perfect? I love being the doting Auntie!

Best Friends

Last night was Bestest Friend's wedding reception. It was beautiful, perfect! I was the maid of honor and she was the bride of my dreams :-)
Supposedly I'm next...I caught the bouquet...

Shygirl was one of the brides maids, The Artist and Em came too so we all sat at a table for a while. A neighbor asked what I was going to do now that my best friend is married and I'm not. I said I didn't know but then I looked across the table and said, "I have my other best friends here!" They were very excited to be my possy and said we should make t-shirts that say "Laura's Best Friends" or something. Create a fan club. Hahaha!

I love them dearly, they make me happy!

After the reception Shygirl and I went back to my house to watch Heroes and The Artist came over a little later to watch with us. I made The Artist go with me to take Shygirl home because I was half asleep by then. He is so dear to my heart. I love him and love hanging out with him. We have some great conversations and he's just a lot of fun to be with.
Good Times!

And I'm glad to know that even though Bestest Friend is married, she still needs me and makes time to call me...and we've had the chance to hang out a few times too! I love her husband too. At first I was a little skeptical but he is a rather perfect friend-in-law. He and I bonded on Halloween and I've had nothing but loving feelings for him ever since. He knows I'm important to Bestest Friend and that she is important to me. He won't get in the way of our friendship and has even encouraged her to call me or answer my phone calls, even when it's not super convenient. He's good people!

I am so grateful to be blessed with fantastic friends!

Speaking of gratitude for best friends, it was nice to have a moment with Bobpi at stake conference today. I miss talking with him, he's still one of the people I want to talk about everything with (like how happy I am about my new nephew...or questions and insights about gospel topics, or school...or anything...)
I know this is silly but what I miss more than almost anything is getting Greek and watching our shows together...very few people seem to like that combination. That was one of my favorite things about our friendship. Maybe one day we'll be able to do that again. I hope...

Tender Mercies

I woke up feeling anxious and gloomy this morning. The heavy sky didn't help and while riding frontrunner to school I felt myself slipping. I prayed for something to lift my mood. Within a few minutes a two-year-old girl with crazy red curls took notice of me sitting across the aisle and back one section. She played peek-a-boo. She showed me all her treasures. She showed off. She smiled at me.
Her dad kept apologizing that she was bothering me. I told him it was no bother at all. She was an angel sent to cheer me up.
We pulled into Ogden station and she jumped off her seat before the train stopped and started walking down the aisle. Her dad had his hands full so I grabbed her and sat her on the seat next to me. Her four-year-old brother came and sat across from us so I entertained them for a moment while their dad gathered their things. Cutest kids!

I thought of The Kid...and his little brother who should arrive this weekend! I'm so grateful for my nephews, they are the joy of my life!

My first class was cancelled today, very nice...my creative nonfiction class was fun. The whole class critiqued my vignette and they had some pretty fun things to say. I really like that class (except that my writing really doesn't fit what my teacher wants me to write, oh well) it's fun and we're pretty friendly. It's a tangenty class, we're always getting off topic but in a good way. They are people like me, writers, quirky, random. It's good times.

The ride home was fun with my sister-in-law. Love her!

My car payment was due so I went down to WSJ to visit my people. I walked in to the Walmart and my favorite door greeter was there, Gramma Carma! She was excited to see me and I stopped to chat with her for a moment. I saw a few other Walmart employees who asked how things were going. DisneyKid was just leaving when I got there, he said he was sick and going home for the evening. It was good to see him for a moment though. Double E was working so I sat and chatted with her for about an hour. I love that she's a soul friend. I miss working with the kids down there but I don't miss the CU.

My gloomy day turned out to be a pretty good day, thanks to good friends and the tender mercies of Heaven! Now I just need to get my homework done and I'll be set! No problem :-)

Oh, Bones and Grey's Anatomy are on tonight too! So fantastic!

Empath = An Understanding Heart

It's a slanted perspective to see the extraordinary through ordinary eyes.
Fear is easier than understanding.

So how do you deal with it?

By not having to deal with it. I simply surrounded myself with people who by definition are like me. It's a whole lot easier for someone like you to understand you.

~ Heroes

I like to be with a variety of people. I learn more from diversity in my acquaintances. Yeah, sometimes it hurts when they don't understand me or I don't understand them, but I'm willing to risk it for the experience and deeper growth.

I've never been one to take the easy way out (though it may seem that way to some). I don't give up, especially on other people. Even the ones that everyone says I should give up on, even the ones who seem like they will never live up to their potential...even the ones who hurt me...I pray for them and I never give up hoping I will one day see the fulfillment of their potential. I believe in loving people for who they are and always encouraging them toward the best they can be.

We all need someone to understand us, to stand up for us, to stand with us against those who don't understand (or who are too narrow minded or immature to seek understanding). Generally, even when I don't exactly understand, I can at least have compassion and try to be what the person needs. At least let them know that someone loves them enough to stand by them, no matter what.

If I had a "Heroes power" it would be like Peter's. I would be an Empath. I am an empath without the supernatural stuff. I understand the heart of hearts and I can help to heal what is broken there...if nothing else, I can listen and I give awesome hugs!
;-)

I believe we all have some extraordinary in us. I think that some of us seek to cultivate it a little more than others do...and some would prefer to be ordinary but can't seem to escape the extraordinary. I like to think that I'm extraordinary, at least I have the makings of something special and I'm working hard to cultivate it.

"Fear is easier than understanding" is an interesting statement. Fear allows us to run away, to step out of difficult or uncomfortable or painful situations. I wonder, though, how many of those situations we run from would have led to something truly phenominal if only we had the courage to seek understanding instead of giving in to the fear.
There's nothing I can do to reclaim those blessings and opportunities that I ran from, but I am making a concerted effort to avoid fear and seek understanding when I am faced with the option from now on.

Any thoughts about any of this?

Get Involved

I forgot how much I love being involved in my ward and stake (and life in general). Last night Cress and I worked on the photo list for the bishop then I met up with The Artist and his friends in the ward. We had the most extensive and intricate thumb war I've ever been involved with, I think there were eight people all joined in a circle so we were warring with two thumbs at the same time. Strange but entertaining.

Then we went to Letherby's. The Artist had me ride with him, he said it's more fun when you don't drive alone. I can not even try to describe (especially now because my brain has already gone to bed) the fun I had with the eleven other people at the table. It reminded me of the old times; first with the girls from the fabric store, then the kids from the institute. We sang along to the jukebox when it played Beat It by Michael Jackson and Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (complete with headbanging). We talked about the most random things. We laughed until tears came from my eyes and my face and sides hurt.

After we paid, a few of us stayed to talk some more. Standing just outside the door, talking about Smurfs and fruit snacks, and other random things that encouraged more laughing. My filter is beginning to function again...I was clever but mostly appropriate
;-)

The Artist drove me back to the institute and we had a nice, long chat. He and I are really incredibly similar, personality and experience wise, so it's really great to talk with him. One of the most unique similarities is that we both prefer deep and meaningful conversation. We tend to get bored with shallow or seemingly meaningless or technical conversation. We prefer to converse about art and theory, emotions, relations, human nature, etc. So when we are together, we tend to lose track of time a bit. It's really great! I love it!
He's like the big brother I always hoped for but never had.

Tonight I went to stake choir practice downtown. I had a long and rather dreary day (though I did get a nice surprise when I picked up my car from the body shop...they had cleaned not only the outside so it sparkles, but they wiped down my dash and vaccumed my floors!) but as soon as I was with the other choir members my mood inflated and I smiled the whole time. It was fun and I was clever, yet again! Haha
I love singing. I love being around people. There's a girl that I met tonight that previously drove me crazy. I have watched her interact within the ward and stake and I will admit that my feelings were less than charitable toward her. Tonight I decided to not be annoyed and instead be kind and friendly. It was much more fun, imagine that!

Yeah, this social and friendly stuff is definitely the way to live. Life is good!

Random Facts

~ The voice in my head (the one that is supposed to be there, the one that's me) sometimes has a British accent and sometimes has a Southern accent. Today it was southern, don't really know why.

~ I love the name Jonathan and believe that the shortened version of the name should be spelled Jon and not John, is the H necessary? I think not.

~ Making people mildly uncomfortable is fun. Like talking to people in the elevator or on the bus.

~ I have been known to have conversations entirely with myself.

~ Green turn arrows make me happy

~ I love dancing in the middle of random places (supermarkets, the street, the train). Really I'll dance anywhere I hear music.

~ There's always music playing in my head.

~ I say really random things sometimes...they always make sense to me. I guess the randomness is that no one else knows what led up to the statement.

~ Laughing until I cry out my eyes and my stomach hurts is one of the best feelings in the world.

~ I have a tendency to be wordy and awkward (according to my CNF writing teacher) but I don't care, I like my writing!

~ On bad days when absolutely everything seems to be going wrong, instead of getting upset about it I "declaire the day Ridiculous" and charge forth.

~ I love stealing words from others. I listen to conversations and confiscate particularly entertaining or profound phrases.

Smile

The curls got a little out of control this morning. I'm not really sure what happened differently than last time but somehow my hair would not cooperate today. It was ok, I just decided to own it and make it work anyway.

I wore my new favorite outfit: the black skirt and the cute blue top...and a genuinely delighted smile. I've taken to smiling at everyone these days. I look them in the eye (as much as possible) and I smile. My hope is that they will smile too and their day will be a little bit better. And it's easier to remember to be happy that way too.

Ward choir was fun. We're singing Christmas music, my favorite time of year to be in choir! The ward choir director is intriguing to me. He's rather odd...he likes to dance around a bit and I noticed to day that he sort of has a tendency to talk to himself (and laugh at things that are going on in his head) while he's conducting. Very much like myself actually. I'm always thinking of strange things and then laughing at myself for the silliness of it all.

In Anne of Green Gables there is a part when the nasty school principle is talking with Anne and she says bitterly, "You always have some secret delight, don't you?" I love this! For a while in high school I had a secret delight; a happy thought, if you will, that when life got tough I visited in my mind and smiled to myself, lifted my spirits in a way nothing else could. I need to find that again.

That's my new quest: to find my happy thought, my secret delight! Or a few, just in case one doesn't work for a particular situation I'll have a back up.

I'm out of the transition phase, I'm moving through the turning point and I'm heading into the phenominal! I've paid the price. I've kept the course. Even when it seems I turned away, I was still on the path I was meant to tread. "Mistakes" lead to learning, growth and strength and prove my ability to fight through anything that is placed in my path...and win. I am strong and growing stronger with every trial. I have not been alone, there have been angels (some visible and mortal and some not). We're not meant to walk alone through this life. We have family and friends placed in our lives to walk with us for companionship and to lend aid when needed.

I have always been a friend to those who have few or none. I have always been the strong one that others lean on when they are not able to stand on their own. I love to be that person, especially for those I particularly love. I have had my moments of weakness in which I have required the aid of others, and there have been people there (some grudgingly at times, but they are there and I appreciate what they have been willing and able to give).

From the outside I can now see some of the purpose in the trials of my life. I have gained profound empathy and compassion that can not be understood except through experience. From the higher ground I have finally climbed to, I can look back and see where my blood has been shed in the moments of most intense struggle. But I can also see the strength and understanding that have come from those deepest sorrows and most painful experiences.

I still have a long way to go, we all do, the journey doesn't end until we die...and even then we are still blessed with the privilage of learning and growing and creating. My eyes are open and I see my potential. I don't know the specifics of what the future holds, but I now have hope in my heart that it's going to be pretty amazing! I'm excited to see what's next. :-)

I'm a believer. I'm a fighter. I'm a smiler. I'm a dreamer. I'm a Fantastic Funk!
And I'm not going to lose sight of that again.

Dear friends who read my blog, I'm here if you need me. I'll do my best to be uplifting and give you reasons to smile. I'm sorry this hasn't always been the most inspiring place but I'm working on improving my optimism now. I'm smiling for no particular reason! I challenge you to find a secret delight or happy thought. If you can't find one, let me know and I'll lend you mine for a while. Thanks for reading!

Say Cheese!

Today I was sustained to my new calling in the ward. I am on the communications commitee, with the specific obligation to help with the pictures. I get to go to new member meetings and take pictures then upload them to the computer for the ward photo directory. It's a pretty fun job actually, I'm excited!

It's good to meet new people. Anyone who knows me knows that I love taking pictures too, so it's sort of a perfect fit! I'm getting back to being my fun, outgoing self again so I think I'm really going to like this calling...it sounds like I've got the in for meeting new people and making new friends too...that's definitely something I need right now. I'm delighted!

Instead of doing homework...

I was going to do homework today...really, that was the plan. I was going to go to stake choir practice then spend the rest of the day catching up on homework.

Well, I went to choir practice...but then Shygirl and I went to Subway for lunch (I didn't eat before going to choir and I was terribly shaky and light-headed, oops...but I looked super cute!).
Then we went to a session at Jordan River. After the session we went to Fort Union for some necessities at the Distribution Center. Shygirl needed some stuff from Smith's so we went there next. There's an Albertson's close by so we stopped to see if they had any of my cranberry juice left but they didn't because they sold out to associated foods and discontinued carrying my juice. So Shygirl and I went on a quest to find an Alberstons that didn't sell out. Luckily there's actually one very close to Shygirl's house.

When we got to the aisle with the juice I ran with open arms and a squeal of delight to find the shelves fully stocked! I asked the self-check employee if they were going to sell out too and he assured me they would continue to be Alberston's. I grinned and told him I loved him!
I know, such a fuss over cranberry juice...it's one of my simple pleasures in life, ok? ;-)
This also means my pretzles are safe! Delight!

Once that quest was resolved we went to my house to watch Bones from Thursday night. I wanted to see her reaction to Angela and Wendell...she was just disappointed that Booth and Bones still haven't hooked up.

After Bones we watched a few episodes of Heroes season 1. It was funny watching her trying to figure out what was going on. Of course I thought of the first time I watched these episodes. Good times, Bobpi really liked to watch me squirm so he wouldn't tell me anything that was going to happen. And that's what I do with Shygirl. It's fun. It would be more fun to watch with Bobpi around too, he'd get a real kick out of Shygirl...he'd probably tease her mercilessly just to confuse her more...haha.
I was going to make Shygirl wait to finish watching with me another day but I let her take my DVDs home with her. She said I'd probably get them back tomorrow. Lol. Beware, Heroes is very addicting! So good, I love it!

Overall, today was a fantastic day! No homework was done, but life was lived and that's what's really important :-) I'll do homework later.

Is it worth the risk?

The bigger your investment the bigger your return, but you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to understand you might lose it all. But if you invest wisely, the payoff just might surprise you.
~ Grey's Anatomy

All sorts of application here...but I don't have the time or the focus to fully develop my thoughts just yet. I'll come back to it sometime.

What are your thoughts on the subject? What is worth the risk? Is there anything you're willing to risk losing everything for? Have you taken a chance on something, knowing you might end up with nothing...but it was something you were willing to take that chance to obtain? What happened? Did you win or did you lose? Even if you lost, was there anything you gained?

What do you look like when you smile?

I was in a rather strange mood this morning. I don't really know what I was thinking or what came over me but as I was sitting on the bus on the way to school I couldn't help but get a little giddy. There was a guy sitting across from me (we were in the back of the bus so we were facing each other) that I could not stop staring at. I sort of made a game out of it, trying to see if I could get him to look at me but he wouldn't. It was a devious moment like when you talk to people in the elevator just to make them uncomfortable to see what they might do. Anyway, the guy just sat there with a rather straight face, looking everywhere but at me. I wasn't going to say anything but my insides started to riot and I just couldn't keep quiet.

There are two stops for the school, I get off at the second stop so when we got to the first stop I decided that if he stayed until my stop I would say something to him. He stayed so I moved over closer to him and placing my hand on his arm I asked if I could ask him a question. He leaned toward me and said yes. I said with a grin, "I know this sounds weird but, what do you look like when you smile?" He fidgeted for a moment but a smile came across his face and he looked at me. I said, "Ah, you have a very nice smile. I thought you might. I'm sorry for staring at you the whole way, I know it's a little odd but I just thought you would have a nice smile and wanted to see it." or something like that.

Our stop came and I got off. I watched him cross the street...with a smile still on his face. It made me smile all the way to class.

I know I'm random and I probably made him a little uncomfortable, but I made him smile as well and that's always a good thing. Now we both have an unusual story to tell.

Smiling is fun and it makes others smile too. I walked around all day with a (perhaps slightly goofy) grin. It lifted my heart a bit and made other people smile. :-)

Stop...Don't stop!

I keep starting to write but then I stop. Haven't I written enough? I really write a lot sometimes and I really don't think that anyone wants to read half of what I write. If anyone does read, they probably skim rather than drinking in every word. Who really cares to read my ridiculous ramblings anyway? What good are they to anyone?

So why do I write? For the same reason I breathe: if I didn't, I would die.
Maybe not literally, but close.

I just really need to find better things to write. My friend told me a story about when she and her friend made a bet that they wouldn't eat any chocolate for like a month or something. She said she's not a writer but she wrote a poem during that time, some Ode to Chocolate because she missed it so much. As much as I love chocolate, I've never thought to write about it. Perhaps I should try. I'll write about chocolate and Dr. Pepper, ha! That would be funny.
I really need to write things from the lighter side of me. I promise I do have a lighter side. I know that most of what I write is heavy and deep and emotional and probably drags people down. Sorry about that. I've been trying to write lighter stuff here.

Mostly I write when things affect me deeply and I have to write them out in order to make sense of them or see their fullness. I also write when I'm lonely because words have always been so good at keeping me company. Even though I often feel like no one ever reads my blogs I still put myself here, maybe they do read and they just don't comment because they have nothing to say about what I've written...I don't know.

I hope someday I have something worthwhile to say so that people will benefit from my words.

I'm sorry if you think I'm wordy and awkward. Or if I make you uncomfortable by the soul I expose here, so publicly. I don't mean to offend or cause discomfort. A teacher I had once told me that "in order to truly connect with a reader you have to give a proverbial 'pound of flesh'; you have to expose your vulnerability and you have to speak the truth. People like to be disturbed sometimes, it's good for them. It shakes them up and helps them to see things in a different way." I don't know if he's right but I write what I write.

Feel free to comment on anything that I write. Even just a shout out to let me know if anyone is reading. I'll keep writing even if no one is reading, but I'd like to know...thanks friends :-) I'll be better at writing happy, fun stuff!

It's a Choice

Once again, I don't agree with the way things are turning out, but choices were made and I have to honor the agency of those involved. He made a choice and I have to accept that. A song from Wicked keeps coming to mind because it just fits so well:

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl...

Right now, I guess none of that really matters, as long as I have his transcentent friendship, I'll be just fine. I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now, he's still here, still talking to me, still showing me he cares...and it's enough.

Also, God is here. He keeps giving me little nudges of encouragement; He knows what's going on, He knows how to make it better. So, I'm in His hands. As long as I have friends and family who love me and who are willing to lend me their strength when I have lost all of my own, I know I can make it through anything.

I have been isolating myself for so long that I forget that it is okay to ask for help. I was told once, "you ask too much of friends...you're too heavy." In my darkness, I took those words to heart and decided I had to deal with everything on my own. Now I see that those words were forced upon me by someone who was selfish and broken and unable to be a true friend. I see they are not words of truth. I have friends who truly care about my joys and sorrows, they are there for me (they say call day or night if I need). Another dear friend told me recently, and I quote,
"Who else are you going to whine to? I am a good friend. Stop suffering alone." (interesting, he who causes the heartache can also heal it with true words of love and friendship).

I have had such an outpouring of love and acceptance recently and I am so grateful to my dear friends who give me a safe place to relieve my heart.

They know that I am there for them as well. I have done my share of listening and supporting and calming through the years and they know I am here whenever they need a friend. We lean on each other, we lift each other, together we rise above the struggles and sorrows of life. I am so grateful for their constant love and acceptance.

I also have a great mom whom I have underappreciated for most of my life. She is strong and has overcome so much in her life. She has gone before and fought, and won, the battle I struggle with today: the sometimes debilitating depression. Last night I fell apart. I couldn't fight anymore because the darkness and the heartache were too much for me. She made me talk. She sat on the floor with me and let me cry. She held me and told me it was enough, that I didn't have to fight anymore, that I paid the price and it was enough. She said it would be over soon and just to hold on a while longer, the end was near; the light would come.
I'll try to trust in her more. I'll do my best to accept her help and appreciate her experience and empathy. I'm so grateful for my mom.

Most importantly, Heaven is with me, on my side always. I am not alone. I'm going to be just fine.