Ugh! in dating

Why is it that the guys who like me are always the ones I really don't like...and never the ones I do? Why can't a guy like The Artist or Pacman or Gonzo like me for once? They are closer to my ideal. None of the guys who have liked me have fit into that ideal. It's not like I have a list of a million requirements, I'm actually pretty realistic and flexible on most things. I just find myself attracted to certain qualities in people who just don't seem to be attracted to me.

There's gotta be a guy out there who I will be attracted to and who will be attracted to me. I don't know, maybe I'm seeing us inaccurately, but I think I am about the same level of attractiveness as the guys I've mentioned. I mean, we're friends and people generally seem to be drawn to other people who are similar in appearance, social status, education, employment, etc. We're varying degrees of each, but all relatively close.

So why are the socially awkward, uneducated, unemployed, and unattractive guys the only guys who are interested in me right now? Ugh! I'm done with dating. I'm just going to enjoy my friends and focus on finishing up my BA. Marriage will come sometime, just not anytime soon.

Meanwhile, both my sister and my sister-in-law are pregnant. At least I have super cute nephews (and hopefully at least one niece by the end of the year) to love and spoil!

Sigh...

People Matter Most

"Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"
It held up its chain at arms length, as if that were the cause of all its unavailing grief, and flung it heavily upon the ground again. "At this time of the rolling year," the spectre said, "I suffer most. Why did I walk through crowds of fellow beings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode! Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!"
~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

My chant this year has been "People Matter Most" but I'm somewhat hypocritical in claiming this motto. There are people I have not reached out to. There are many people I have closed myself off to, instead of turning to them with an open heart and welcoming arms. People matter most; more than jobs, more than school, more than any other project or work that needs to be done. This year I received the highest grades in school, almost a perfect 4.0 (except for one A-). But I barely focused on my schoolwork at all. I made people a priority; family and friends always (at least almost always) came first. But only a select few. I had my little group of friends and didn't really reach out much to those beyond that group.

I used to have a more broad vision. I believed I had to reach out and try to affect the lives of every person with whom I came in contact. I thought I wasn't doing enough if I didn't help everyone on the planet (slight exaggeration). This year I learned that I can't help everyone, I'm not supposed to be able to have an impact on everyone. It's important to treat everyone with kindness and respect, but I don't have to be best friends with everyone I meet. It's okay to be somewhat exclusive in my immediate circle of friends...though we try to be accepting of anyone who wants to come around...some personalities just tend to mesh better than others.

Next year I'm going to try to be more kind, more accepting, more open, and more giving. I didn't give a whole lot this year. It was a rare year of receiving more than I gave. Now that I'm back on my feet (mostly), my emotional feet most particularly, I can focus more on other people and less on myself.

I'd like to serve more in the community. The LDS Humanitarian Center, the Utah Food Bank, and other charitable organizations are always looking for volunteers. I need to get with it and start reaching out more. I always love when I am able to volunteer in such places. I have spent a considerable amount of time in the Temple, but not as much as I would like to. I'm going to try to make 2011 a year of selflessness. I don't know how that will work out, life has a tendency to get in the way and I forget my resolve...but I'm going to try.

Shiny Happy People

I noticed something at work today: I'm always happy and smiling at work. Even when I'm tired or when the day starts out not-so-well, within a few minutes of being at work I'm in a better mood. I'm pretty sure it's because of the people I work with. They are all so good at having a positive attitude and it totally brings me up! It's so easy to be positive and happy around positive and happy people.

How do you create and maintain a positive and happy attitude when you're around negative or complaining people? Sometimes I have a difficult time being positive around certain friends, either because they are negative, or because they are so accepting of and open to my negativity. We get into complaining or venting sessions too often.

I want to be a shiny, happy person more often. I'm trying to improve my perspective, and I'm trying to be more accepting and supportive.

Believe it or not I've lightened up a lot from when I was younger. I don't take myself or others quite so seriously as I used to, most of the time anyway. Now and then I have a bad day (or week, or month) and I struggle with seeing myself accurately, then my whole perspective of everything gets skewed. But I'm getting better.

Last month I panicked a little, but I got through it. I saw it while I was in it and I was able to recover without doing too much damage. The last couple of days have shown me that Gonzo is a friend who is sticking around, at least for now, and I think we're going to be okay. He was surprisingly kind and accepting and understanding of my quirky little insecurities.

I appreciate and am so grateful for each of my friends (including co-workers). I love them so much! People matter most and I'm so much happier when I'm surrounded by happy and fun friends. :) I've always been so blessed with great friends and co-workers.

"Friendship is fleeting and always ends in abandonment" pt. 2

I wrote a post just over a year ago with this title. I had been watching an episode of Bones in which the depressed intern made this statement. At the moment it made a deep impression on me because I was feeling abandoned by more than one "friend" who had promised to love me and stick around forever. Although this seems to be a common theme in life, people come and go causing "friendship" to appear fleeting, I think the word "always" in this statement should be changed to "often."

Bestest Friend has been my confidant and soul friend for at least 15 years. Spaz and a few others have been good friends for nearly as long. Shygirl, Missalicious, Em, The Artist and others have been dear friends for 5-7 years. These are not fleeting friendships. These are true friendships.

Over the last year I've become friends with Hey-Pay, Chelle, Midgie, La-T, and some others that I believe will stick around for a while. I'm not afraid of losing them. I don't feel clingy or need constant reassurance that they care about me or want me around. I don't question our friendship. I believe they are sincere and truly want me as a friend.

Most of the time I don't make a big deal about friendship. I don't worry about whether or not a person is a "true" and lasting friend. I don't question their loyalty or fret that they will abandon me. I've recently discovered that it's only an issue with certain people. Gonzo is one. I have been trying to figure out why I feel so strongly and react so intensely to his shifting moods. It doesn't matter if he stays or goes. It doesn't really matter if he's a "true friend" who stays in my life forever, or just a buddy-buddy kinda friend for only a moment. Logically I know and understand...but my heart reacts violently to the idea that he may leave at any moment.

A long time ago I created in my mind an ideal friend. Over the last 12 or so years I've been cultivating this ideal, and searching for it. There have been a couple times in the last few years when I thought I had found this friend. I was wrong. They didn't understand or care. They didn't know what it was to be a true friend.

Somewhere over the last few months I projected that ideal role onto Gonzo. For a couple of months he was only a couple of details away from being fulfilling that ideal. He was everything I've hoped for and dreamed of for so long. To a great extent he still is; the two lacking details, however, are too significant to overlook. He doesn't love me. I'm not significant enough to him. He could walk away today and never think of me again; there wouldn't be a hole in his heart with my absence...not even a pinprick. He doesn't need me, doesn't think of me, doesn't want me...I'm just another person who happens to be in his life.

For whatever reason, though, he has been very significant in my life. I didn't ask him to be. He just sort of showed up one day. He called me. Now, although he's still around sometimes, he's stopped calling, stopped texting. I don't like it. I know I have to just accept it, he's not the friend I hoped he would be, he'll probably disappear sooner rather than later, and it's okay...I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.

The Artist is close, and getting closer...I don't worry about losing him. I don't question his loyalty or wonder if he truly cares. We've talked about it. He lets me know that I'm significant to him. He cares, and he understands my sporadic need for reassurance. We've had our rough moments but we always work through them quickly. The Artist gets "true friendship" and I'm inexplicably grateful for that.

I'm trying to be grateful for what I have and not be disappointed with what I don't have. I'm trying to be grateful for the time I have with people and the influence they have on my life and not worry about when they will not longer be around.

Friendship may be fleeting and end in abandonment most of the time, but it's worth the risk and heartbreak of trying to find those few who stay.

People Matter Most

Chocolate

I don't know why but I felt like changing my blog today. The books have been fun, but for some reason it just didn't fit the way I feel today. So, here's brown. I saw this one and it struck me for two reasons: 1) I love old maps and globes, and 2) the color reminds me of chocolate...which I also love. One of these days I really need to write a poem about chocolate, an ode perhaps.

I bought some Reese's bells and some Mint Truffle Hershey Kisses today. Both of these can be found only at Christmas time. A quirky fact about me, I think Reese's tastes different when it's in the holiday shapes than when it's just the peanut butter cups. I like the holiday shape candies better than the norm. And the Mint Truffle Kisses are my favorite of all flavors of Hershey Kisses. When Mom and I went to Hershey, PA a couple years ago I looked all over for the Mint Truffle but they didn't have any...Christmas only.

One time I tried to break my chocoholic tendencies by eating so much chocolate that it should have made me sick. It didn't work.

This is my teddy bear that I bought at the Hershey factory.
I collect teddy bears and I love chocolate so it was a logical purchase.

But I'll keep on tryin'

I wish I could see into the future. I'm somewhat discontented with this particular moment. I'm trying to be happy, trying to look for the good and be grateful for the progress I'm making, but I can't seem to focus on the moment. I keep remembering (and regretting) the past, and I keep worrying about the future, all at the expense of the moment. I'm trying to forgive and forget where I've been. I'm trying to have hope that better things will come. I'm trying to work to accomplish what I want my life to be, but the things I want most aren't up to me. So I try to change what I want, but no matter how hard I try, the same daydreams sneak back in.

Sometimes I glimpse it, just for a moment. Then in that moment it's easy to believe. But when the moment's gone, the belief, the hope, is more difficult to sustain. And the further the moment drifts away, the more impossible it all seems.

What more do I have to do? Where is the right path? How do I find the way to where I need to be in order to fulfill my deepest dream? And what is taking so very long?

I know I got distracted for a while. I didn't really have a clear understanding of where I was going or how to get there. I still don't know, obviously, or I wouldn't be asking these questions. Maybe I just think too much and act too little.

I'm tired. The world feels too big right now. I feel lost and insignificant. But I don't need to be important to everyone, only one someone. I just wish I knew where to find him. I've been searching for so long, and it's getting more difficult to believe he's even out there. I'm trying to believe that each heartbreak leads me a step closer to the one who will more than make up for all the losses, but it feels more like each heartbreak just leaves me a little more broken instead.

But no matter how hopeless it seems, I can't give up, so I'll keep on tryin'

sometimes the muse must die

maybe someday i can stop freaking out over ridiculous things. maybe someday i can be confident and secure in myself. maybe someday i'll stop doubting the loyalty of my friends. maybe someday i'll just be happy.

i'm getting closer. i'm at least acknowledging my absurdity while i'm in it; i knew i was jumping to inaccurate conclusions and that my fears were unrealistic. i just couldn't stop them, and therefore, i couldn't stop my actions or feelings either.

thankfully this time the target was a dear, marvelous and understanding friend. he just brushed off the awkwardness i tried to create and just said, "let's talk about it." we had a really nice chat after church. he was so kind and assured me that he enjoys our friendship "very much". he asked if it would help if he promised to tell me if he ever decided to stop being my friend. he promised he'd just tell me outright, and unless he did, i am to always remember and believe that we are friends. i've had guys promise that before, they promised they'd tell me before they went away...but they broke the promise...the difference in this case, though, is that it was his idea. i didn't beg him to promise, he just did. yeah, i think this is a good friendship that will last. he's like The Artist 2.0 or something; they both just laugh off my insecurity and reassure me that i'm fantastic and that my friendship is important to them. i adore them both and am so thankful for their friendship.

the one slight disappointment is that i don't think he's going to be my muse anymore. he is, however, a conduit to my future muse. he's making me a "mixed tape" of his opinion of the best lyricists. last week he had me listen to some of his favorites and told me to use them as my muse instead of him. i love it!

Anxiety

I've been feeling really anxious the last few days and I'm not sure why. It's like one of those warning anxieties, like something is coming and I should be prepared, but I don't know what to prepare for. I haven't built up enough to have the world come tumbling down on me again just yet, I haven't climbed high enough to fall to any significant depths. I don't know.

I've been a little overwhelmed with my faults and flaws recently. I made such a comment on my Facebook and got the most touching response from a dear old friend. He said, "I've told you before that you are hyper-self-critical. You are a great person and an absolute sweetheart. There is nothing you need to be worried about." I read his words this morning and started to cry. I miss him, I miss his friendship and his hugs. I'm grateful for his words of kindness and encouragement via FB though, I can always count on him to say nice and supportive things like this.

I know I need to stop seeing myself in such a negative light. It's a bit of post traumatic stress response I think and it strikes at the most inopportune moments. I know I'm a great person and I have a lot to offer, but a lot of the time I lose sight of my good qualities and focus too much on the areas in which I need improvement.

My friends and family are really supportive these days. Once I decided to open up and let people in it got a lot easier. I'm doing better with talking myself through it. I've worked through this last one in under a week and that's definitely progress. I'm coping better. I just need to regain the rest of my balance. I'm going to be okay.

straight jacket

Sometimes I wish someone else could see the warning signs before I break down, I'd ask them to wrap me in a straight jacket and put a muzzle on me and lock me in a soundproof padded room until the mania ends.

Okay, so I'm not manic, just a bit too irrational sometimes. Stress, lack of sleep, inadequate diet, and pms are generally the triggers. Oh, and changes in weather and shifts in friend dynamics are generally circumstances with which I struggle. All of these factors fell in on me at once and I kinda freaked out. I'm pretty sure most people are generally unaware though. Some noticed I was more gloomy than normal, but mostly no one noticed, or cared.

I have made great progress from last year. A year ago I was vomiting every morning and sobbing for no apparent reason on a regular basis. I didn't have a job, I didn't like school much, I had few friends and pretty much no social life outside of The Artist. I hadn't written much of anything worthwhile in over two years. I've just been in a momentary slump the last couple of weeks, but I'm bouncing back.

Three of my four classes are over, I'm settling in at work and adore the girls I work with. Life will be much less stressful after next Wednesday when my last class ends. And really I'm not so stressed about that final, I have plenty of time to study and the teacher is cheering for our success.

I think I might disappear at the beginning of the year. I have loved being a part of my ward, but I feel a little stuck. The Artist has mentioned many times that I should check out his new ward, maybe that is the best idea. At least for a bit. Maybe a social shift is what I need. I don't know.

I've become socially enmeshed which seems to lead to emotional dependence on friends. I keep forgetting that it's not a good thing. I need to learn to stand on my own. I've been too weak for a while, but now I need to find my strength so I don't drive people away.

Things were really good for a while. This summer was one of the best of my life. Things were good until I had a bad reaction to going deep. I always thrived in the deep and personal, but this time it triggered a post-traumatic stress response and sent me spiraling. I haven't really experienced that before, so now that I know it's a possibility I'll watch out for it and try to avoid it.

My turn around was faster this time. I talked myself through it in under a week, I guess it was better because now I can move on.

I wish the gloom shrouding the sky would go away. It's easier to feel bright and sunny when the sun is actually visible. It's easier to feel depressed when the world looks depressed too. But I'm feeling better.

Focus

I've been focusing on myself a lot recently. I haven't been serving. I haven't been going to the temple. I haven't been doing much with my calling at church. I've been talking about myself, thinking about myself, living for myself.

I don't need to count my blessings, I don't need to look on the bright side. I don't need to "fake it till I make it". What I need to do is get outside of myself and focus on someone else. I need to serve. I need to forget about my needs for love and healing and instead remember how to love and heal others. I don't remember the last truly selfless thing I did. I finally realized how to get myself out of this blue funk.

Friends

The Artist and I have been talking a lot recently. We're back to where we were before the weird summer absurdity. He's pretty much my best friend right now because he's the one I can talk to and he gets me. We've been good friends long enough that we're settled into our roles in each others' lives. I'm grateful that we're only friends forever.

Tonight I'm sad. I could feel it coming. I knew things were shifting and I knew the dynamic was changing. It's been impending for a couple of weeks and I've been trying to ignore it...but now it's here and I'm not ready. The Artist tried to console me tonight. At least I know he'll still be around. It's been just the two of us before, we can see each other through again.

I don't really know what happened this time. I was happy, at least content. Then my joy became complete when I finally started writing again. For one brief moment everything was right and good. Then I got caught up in the romance of my poetry and lost sight of reality. Anxiety set in (because the thoughts and feelings weren't congruent, and yet I tried to make them fit) and I made a choice. Things were already shifting anyway, he had been pulling away for reasons unexplained. So I confessed. Now I'm pretty sure my Muse is dead.

It'll be okay...I mean, I'll find a new Muse, no big deal there...but I don't like the idea of losing another friend. I don't know where he suddenly came from but he was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed...and I'm grateful for his influence over the last few months...
I know I need to stop needing, stop clinging, just accept that everyone will leave at one point or another, but I'm not ready.

The Artist is going to start going to a different ward, one for 25-35 year old singles. He's visited already but has now pretty much made the decision that it's where he needs to be. Tonight he was encouraging me to check it out too. I know it's probably a good idea. I'm now pretty much the oldest girl in my ward (with one or two exceptions) and it would be nice to be one of the younger ones again. It would be nice to meet some new guys who are older than me too, I'm not meeting them anywhere else. Maybe I should. Next week perhaps. I can go to my ward and the other ward because the older ward doesn't start till 1pm I think. It would be nice to be able to sleep in on Sundays since I can't any other day.

I'm feeling really nostalgic tonight. I miss a lot of people who have not been around for many years now. I've loved and lost so many friends over the years. With most of them I knew it was the right timing, I knew it was time for us to go in different directions. But there are a handful of people I wasn't ready to lose, and I still feel the loss; I still miss them more than most. But there's nothing to be done.

So I'm grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful for the memories, the happy times I've shared with people I truly adore and will always remember with a smile. I'm grateful for the new memories I'm making now. This has been a really great year, one of the best ever...the good has outweighed the bad, by far. I have developed friendships with some phenomenal people. I have felt healing and progress. I've tasted happiness and revived the creativity and poetry in myself. It really has been a great year and I have been so blessed!

But now the holidays are here and the depression is more difficult to fight. If the shift I'm predicting occurs, I may decide to hibernate again this year. I have work, but otherwise I don't have anything I have to do for the next month...maybe I should just work and catch up on sleep.

I don't know. We'll see...

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prove,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
~ William Shakespeare

This is one of my favorite poems of all time. It expresses perfectly my thoughts and feelings about what true love is. It does not lessen when new information or events come to light. It does not change except to become stronger with time. I really hope someday to find someone I love this much...and who loves me. I'm still looking. No one I currently know fits this description yet, but love is something you kinda grow into I think; especially when you've been hurt by fleeting "love" or infatuation in the recent past as I have.

I've worked the last year to overcome the remnants and heal the wounds that still sting now and then. I've come a long way, so far, in fact that I have been writing and feeling and imagining again that love is actually a possibility. I found a Muse that has inspired the romantic in me and I've written some pretty good poems through his influence in my life. I'm pretty sure he's completely unaware, and it may be better to keep him that way, although I would like to know his opinion of me as a poet.

The funny thing about being a writer, and particularly a poetic writer is that I see situations differently than others do. I see a situation or an experience and I am almost immediately changing it in my mind to make it more romantic and poetic. This makes for some great poems, but the trouble comes when people who read the poems don't understand that a poem is not always a piece of the writer, it is something she/he created, but does not necessarily represent the opinions or ideals or true perspective of the person herself/himself.

The real trouble comes when the poet forgets this and starts believing her own romantics. The poems I've been writing are rather intense with emotion and passion. I became overcome with lust of the passion in my poetry that I became confused about my real feelings for the Muse who inspired them. I don't know if it's the person himself, or simply the poetry he induces that I've become somewhat obsessed with. I want to tell him about my experience and what an affect he's had on me and my writing (and healing) process, but I'm afraid that telling him will break whatever spell I've been under.

I haven't written a new poem in over a week...partially because he hasn't been around so much the last week or two, partially because I haven't had much time. I want to write more. I want to write diversely, though, so I suppose I should seek out other muses to encourage and inspire my writing. Oh how I wish I could be as amazing as Shakespeare! If only I could write like him, my whole life would be satisfied and I would want for nothing. But then, writing has become like a drug for me recently. I've become so high from the poems and the passion behind them that I feel it's like an addiction. I'm addicted to the words, the poems, and to some extent, the Muse. I'm sadder when I don't interact with him, and I'm high when he's around.

The life of a poet is absurdly unstable. I wonder if I should really pursue this course as a career, I'm already so unstable as it is. La la la! Right now I just don't care. I love the way it makes me feel, I've never been so inspired or written such great poetry...and I've never been so happy as when I'm sitting by my Muse, writing poetry he has no idea he's inspiring! I really hope it lasts a while...

Wednesdays

are my long days at school. My first class starts at 9:30am and my last class ends at 8:10pm. I have a break between 1:30pm and 5:30pm, today I spent that time in the basement of Elizabeth Hall (Weber's English building) listening to Sister Hazel and writing poetry.

I'm in a creative moment and I'm loving it! Between school and my Muse, not only is my poetry improving, so is my mental health. I'm happier these days than I've ever been before. School is extremely good for my self image this semester, I really like all my teachers and I'm doing really well in my classes; and they are just what I have been needing. I have a job (though it's still not what I want, it's good enough for now) that's what I asked for. My soul has revived in a way I never dreamed it would. And most of all, I have really great friends. I have friends in each of my classes (some more friendly than others...the kids in my Adult Development class and in my Poetry Writing class are the best, they make me laugh and we have a really great time). My friends from church are even more fantastic. I'm delighted to be part of a great little group. Each of them contribute inexplicably to my life. I love them all and I am so grateful for them.

Today was a really great day! My groups in two different classes got an A on our presentation, and my teacher and classmates all raved about my last two poems! I love when other poets compliment my poetry. It makes me feel like I might actually have some talent. My name might really be on the cover of my very own published book of poetry one day! That would be really cool!

Now I'm going to bed earlier than I have been. I don't have school or work tomorrow so I'm going to try my best to sleep in and catch up on all the sleep I haven't been getting recently (because I've been playing too much).

Yeah, life is good!

;-)

let us all speak kind words to each other

If someone hit me or caused some sort of physical harm I don't think I'd have much of a problem forgiving them. I might stew over it until the wound heals, but once the painful reminder is gone, it'd be done.
You know the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me"? I don't agree. For me, words cut more deeply than any knife and break me more easily than wood or rocks. The hurtful things people say stick with me and come up at the most inconvenient times. I know that these things are mostly false, lies they used in a moment of anger or when they are consumed by their own insecurities or selfishness, but for reasons I can't explain, I can't seem to rationalize them away. It's been said that it takes 5 compliments to counteract 1 criticism or cutting remark. So I'm in need of about 50 compliments right now to discount the 10 negatives that are still circling in my head. I'm trying to tell myself how wonderful I am, and how incorrect these hurtful thoughts are, but it's difficult to believe myself.

I've been thinking a lot about the things we say to each other. I'm on a quest to infuse the people I know with enough positive thoughts of themselves that when someone criticizes them, they won't be affected. I don't know if it'll work, but it's worth a try. So, I'm trying to not criticize or say anything negative about people, and I'm making a point of giving sincere and genuine compliments instead. :)

stuff you should know about me

1. I'm actually an optimist

2. I'm ridiculously supportive, particularly when I know you're having a hard time

3. I'm compassionate and empathetic

4. I love my friends deeply, with my whole everything (I hope my affections don't make you uncomfortable; believe me, you'll be happier if you just go with it).

5. Once you're in my heart you can never get out (even those who have hurt me still have a place, locked away in the dark recesses though that may be).

6. I have a hard time letting go

7. I have a hard time forgiving when I've been hurt by someone...though I'm working on it

8. Lilacs and Sterling Roses are my favorite flowers (not a fan of bouquets, just one is perfect)

9. I think about you a lot and pray for you every chance I get because I love you more than I can say

10. Meaningful, personal conversation is more sustaining for me than air, food, sleep, etc

11. I want to be a mom more than I want anything else in the world...I want to feel my baby growing inside of me

12. Procrastination is one of my special talents

13. Most people don't understand my sense of humor, but I make myself laugh all the time

14. I'm a lover and a dreamer

15. I take things too much to heart

16. People Matter Most to me

17. I have become more exclusive than I want to be (you hurt me, you're out...refer to #s 6 & 7)

18. Any attention from you sends my heart into raptures of bliss...and yes, lack of attention does the opposite.

19. I love movies, TV, music, concerts

20. I don't sleep very well

21. Poetry is my favorite to write

22. The Classics are my favorite to read (particularly Jane Eyre, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Pride & Prejudice, The Lord of the Rings, anything by William Shakespeare or Edgar Allen Poe).

23. I have conversations with you in my mind sometimes

24. I miss you when you're not beside me, and sometimes when you are

25. I have a strange obsession with WWII, Shakespeare, and Edgar Allen Poe

26. I love Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, Joseph and Emma Smith, and Gordon B. Hinckley the most

27. I love America and the Founding Fathers

28. I'll be 29 in just over 4 months...and I really thought I'd be in a much different place by now.

And God Said, "I Just Love You"

Yesterday was rough. I've been sick and taking medicine to help me sleep. This medicine is pretty good at making me not cough, but it's also good at making me depressed. No matter how I tried I couldn't shake the blues...and what's worse, I couldn't stop the irrational thoughts from spinning through my mind and dragging me down even more.

Certain statements made by people I no longer regard as friends pummeled my mind until I couldn't see straight. I knew they were lies but they seemed so plausible and applicable that in my physically ill and therefore weakened state, I was defenseless. I went for a walk. I prayed. I tried to focus on homework. Even TV (my usual distracting retreat) didn't help. The later it got, the more discouraged I became. I was convinced that I was nothing more than a burden to all the people in my life, and that they only hung out with me as a last resort because they had nothing better to do, or because they hoped that someone "better" would also show up.

Z didn't want to have movie night (which, of course, I took personally, thinking he just didn't want to be around me), so I had sent out a text earlier in the day saying we'd have it at my house instead. But as the night wore on and more people said they weren't going to make it, I decided it would be best to cancel. So I sent a text out. A couple of the girls expressed disappointment and concern. I wondered if some people might actually really care about me and enjoy being around me after all. I talked with The Artist on the phone instead of texting him, that helped too; he and I are pretty much back to normal, thankfully.

I sent the cancellation text to everyone except Z because he'd sounded like he wasn't available anyway...but also with the slightest sliver of hope that he would stop by and we could have a moment to chat. I've been wanting to talk with him, just one on one, for a while but there are always so many other people around.

I was in my room, trying to force myself to focus on homework, but actually thinking instead about what a dope I was for hoping for impossible things, when I heard a car pull up outside. I peeked through the window and to my great delight and utter amazement, I saw Z walking up the driveway. He knocked and I opened the door.

"Hi," I smiled awkwardly and he stepped in. "I didn't think you were coming."

"Well I can't stay long but thought I'd stop by for a few minutes."

"I canceled movie night. I didn't tell you because I thought you weren't available. But you can come in for a bit if you want. I've been wanting to chat with you actually."

"What about?" We sat together on the love seat in the pink room, the light from the hallway making a path through the darkness. I don't know why but I feel most comfortable talking in the almost darkness.

"Nothing really...anything...I just like chatting with you but there are always so many people around. Actually, to be honest, I didn't tell you movie night was canceled because I hoped you'd come." He laughed at my awkward confession but leaned back and made himself comfortable.

He showed up around 8:30pm and stayed until 10pm. It was really nice to talk with him without other people around. He allows himself to be open and vulnerable with me. And for reasons I don't understand I feel completely safe and secure with him. I told him my insecurities and fears and he reassured me that he actually really likes being friends and spending time with me. His sincerity and willingness to confide in me put me completely at ease.

The more I get to know him, the more time I spend with him, the more I adore him.

That moment with Z reminded me (in a time of great need) that God really does love me...and that other people love me. I need to focus on the present and the future and stop allowing the past (and the hurtful lies of the past) to taint my present. I'm better than I think I am. I'm stronger and more capable than I give myself credit for being. I just need to find the confidence to be...better than I think I am.

New Job

Today is my first day working at Seagull Book. I start after school today, 3:30pm. It's a bookstore like I wanted. It's a job that won't make me work on Sundays. It's the location I hoped for because they close earlier so I can still have a social life when I work in the evenings. It's part-time so it shouldn't be too stressful. It's the right timing. It's the right situation.

So why am I so anxious about it?

I'm still not feeling particularly well. I didn't sleep well last night (up coughing all night). Last night wasn't particularly encouraging. I went to bed feeling insignificant and insecure, so I woke up feeling like I should stay in bed and not even try today. But I got up. I'm grateful that Midgie's my commute buddy because she helped me feel a bit better.

I wish I had someone to go home to. I wish I had my Love to collapse into his arms when today is over. Just knowing that someone would be there to keep me safe and help me rest at the end of the day would make getting through the day so much easier.

FHE's tonight. I'll have to request hugs from The Artist, Z, Packman, and anyone else willing. I'll be alright. It'll be great! Life is finally moving forward. I can talk myself through the anxiety and it'll be great...right?

Love Love Love

Things are settling in for me. School is going well, I start my new job tomorrow, church is great, and I'm learning to control my thoughts and emotions so they don't control me. I've had trouble with the depression, anxiety, and paranoid - racetrack thoughts for quite some time now but it's getting better. Between my Family Studies classes, therapy, and the kindness of friends I'm learning better ways to cope and work through the difficult times.

It's been a long year and I've struggled through a lot, but I'm learning to fly again. My heart is mostly healed and I'm pretty much in the best place of my life thus far. I have kind and supportive people I can trust, so I'm opening up. I'm not bitter or angry or "wounded" anymore. I love my family and friends, and I'm learning to love myself.

About a month ago, the death of my friend BLT really shook me up. We weren't particularly close and I regretted my hesitation in being a better friend to him. I was born to love. I've always been a very loving and accepting person. My heart wants to give love to everyone in the world so that no one will ever feel sad or lonely or the desire to give up. I don't always know how to show it though, I don't always know how to express myself in a way that will be inviting instead of repellent. And the last couple of years I've been so wrapped up in my own need for love that I did a poor job of giving love to those around me.

Now I'm better; I'm done enough with taking care of myself that I'm now open and able to love others better. And I'm working on making up for lost time. I'm being happy and kind and loving. I'm being supportive and encouraging and affectionate. I'm making it about others instead of always focusing on myself. Because the world is a better place when we are more considerate and caring of others. I can't change the world, but I can change myself and I can affect the lives of those around me.

I just love...YOU! :)

Over the last few weeks I've been working on ridding myself of the obstacles that get in my way.

Muse

As Greek myth goes, the nine Muses were the product of an affair between Zeus (king of the Olympian Gods) and Mnemosyne, the goddess of memory. Their mission was to make people forget their sorrows and cares, mainly through the Arts and Sciences.

In modern day, Muses are referred to mainly as a source of inspiration; a sort of supernatural insight that leads to great works of art, literature, music, etc.

As an aspiring writer/poet, and a fan of myth and legend, I like the idea of a Muse infusing me with the words and emotions, light and understanding that lead to great writing. And this idea that the Muses are meant to make people forget their sorrow and cares really makes me open to the idea.

Recently I have found a sort of Muse in my life. Just being around him leads to a feeling of creativity surging through my veins. I'm happiest when he's around. I feel more free to be myself when I'm with him. I forget my sorrows and worries and every care when he's around. He is so much of what I want to be in so many ways. I've recently come to understand why it's so important to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be like. A lot of people have a tendency to become like those with whom they spend the most time. If you want to be a certain way, spend your time with people who are what you want to be.

I'm so grateful for his friendship; he kinda came out of nowhere, all of a sudden wanting to hang out with the group. The place vacated by the siblings has been more than filled. He's much better for my progress and my general mental and emotional health. He's much more my style of the type of person I want to be around. He's crazy intelligent, simple, yet intricate, and strange beyond words...the whole combination of traits makes him quite delightful. And, as I said, I'm inspired by him. He doesn't have a clue of the impact he has on my life. I'm not sure it would be wise of me to tell him, it might offset the inspiration. Who knows.

I will admit that recently I have toyed with the idea of liking him as more than just a friend. He's fun to flirt with, and he flirts almost instinctively...with any girl who will flirt with him...like I flirt almost instinctively with any guy who will flirt with me (most of the time I don't even know I'm flirting, it's like a reflex). I had forgotten how much fun casual flirting can be! I really like him a lot, but I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me as anything more than a friend since he hasn't asked me out...so I'm not getting my hopes up. He seems to care about me as a friend, he seems to enjoy keeping company with me, and I think we're becoming closer friends. Even if all we ever are is friends, I'm completely content with that.

I love him as a person and as a friend...and as my Muse. And that's good enough. I'm pretty sure that getting involved with a Muse is against the rules anyway. ;-)

I'm pretty sure I benefit more from our friendship at this point than he does. He could probably walk away today and wouldn't miss me at all. That's okay. That's how most of my relationships with people seem to be. I invest more of myself into the relationship more quickly than others do. It makes it harder to see them go, but I'm getting better with that too. As for this boy, music is a major aspect of his life so it's only fitting that I assign him a theme song. The other night I heard a Billy Joel song on the radio that I've decided might be the right song for him at this point. Some of the applicable lines:

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time.

In fact, I've never been inspired in this way by anyone ever before! I guess it's best if I don't tell him, it might break the magic. I'll just enjoy the art of his friendship for now.

Looking Up

Yesterday began with a nasty computer virus. $170 later I walked out of Best Buy praying Geek Squad would fix the problem and return my computer quickly.

I don't have $170 to spend on random viruses that I don't even how how I got it. I don't have money to pay my bills next month. I don't have money to fix my car that is in need of repair and therefore I'm terrified that it will break down on me in the middle of the road. I don't have the money I need because I'm a college student and haven't had a job in over a year.

Yesterday I talked with my parents, trying to talk myself out of freaking out over not having money, trying to figure out what to do about finding a job. I've applied a lot of places, I've interviewed a couple of places, but nothing has come together. I keep praying, trying to understand where I need to be, what I need to do. The answers I keep getting are, "You are where you need to be, you're doing what you need to do." So I pray, "Ok, then it's in your hands. Please bless me with what I need to get by. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and I'm leaving the rest in your hands."

Last night I went to the temple with Hey-Pay and a few other ward members. I could have been doing homework or looking for a job or any number of other things, but I knew that was where I needed to be. I needed to be with people, serving God and my brothers and sisters.

Today I had trouble waking up but I got up and went to school. During my off hour I wrote the paper I didn't write last night and turned it in on time. It's not the best paper I've written but I'm doing well enough in this class that I don't think it'll be a problem. Just as the train pulled into Salt Lake Central station my phone rang. It was the bookstore where I interviewed a week and a day ago. They offered me the job. It's seasonal and I have to put on my salesperson hat, but it's enough. It should be low-stress and it should give me the money I need to get by. It's the location I was hoping for because they close earlier than the other stores so I'll still have time to do homework or go out and play with friends after my shift if they have me work evenings.

I came home and took a coconut bubble bath.

Tonight I went to a Murder Mystery dinner with a Disco theme. It was so much fun! We all dressed up in Disco-type apparel and acted our parts to expose the murderer. I ended up being the murderer, which was fun for my first time. I'm grateful that I was included in this somewhat exclusive and extremely entertaining event! I am grateful for the friends I have and that I'm invited to fun activities such as tonight.

So many good things are finally coming together in my life. I'm so grateful for my blessings.

And yet...I'm sitting here on the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been so happy the last few weeks. This week has been rough because of a little PMS, but once I realized that's what it was, I could handle it better and with a more rational perspective. I've been so happy recently and I just want it to continue...but I'm terrified it's all going to come crashing in again. I don't know how to believe that happiness can be a way of life, not just a fleeting moment. I don't know how to believe that good things can come without negative consequences. I'm working on it though. I've had too many years of the negative consequences. If there truly is "an opposition in all things" like the scriptures say, it's about time for the positive side of the opposition to kick in...including a really amazing relationship. I'm working on it.

It's been a difficult year. I'm grateful that it has gone by so quickly. I'm grateful for all the healing and progressing this year has brought. I'm grateful for the blessings of friendships and opportunities. I'm grateful for the time I've been allowed to recover, regroup, and renew myself. I'm a better and stronger person than I've ever been before. I see what's truly important in life. I see what is necessary and what is optional, and that sometimes it's what is optional that is most necessary.

I'm so grateful that things are finally looking up!

Not Sleeping

I don't sleep much these days. I've always struggled with insomnia, but this is ridiculous. I don't even fall asleep on the train these days.

Okay, honestly, much of my lack of sleep over the last few weeks has been because I've had such an active social life. I stay out late at Z's house, or with the girls, or at "the Bee's" after FHE. Then I have to get up early for school 3 days a week, and for church on Sundays, so that leaves Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays for sleeping. This week I had to get up early on Tuesday to go up to the school and take a test for my Adult Development class.

So, here I am at 1:25am. I should be sleeping, but I've been recouping from the day. I'm uploading music to my iTunes (which I've only just recently started using, seeing as how I still don't have an iPod. I didn't know I could use iTunes just on my computer). I like it a lot better than Windows Media Player.

I should be doing homework, but by this time my brain has shut down and I can't think about it. I'm behind on my homework, that's not good. I have two group projects in the next couple weeks and I haven't even read the subject matter. Working on it. I have to read a ton of poetry and write some poems. I need to read a Greek play and write a response essay that's due on Friday, no worries on that one...and I think I'm doing the best in that class so I'm not too concerned. It's actually a great class, one of my favorites of all time. My teacher is great and he seems to like me as a student. I've gotten A's on most, if not all of my assignments, and he's had me read many of my papers aloud in class during discussions. It's pretty flattering and encouraging.

I love my poetry class too. My teacher is possibly getting senile and is generally pretty crazy, but in the greatest way. He does like to ramble a little too much sometimes and I get kinda lost in his thought process, but it's a really fun class. We're this great little community of poets, and we all get along pretty well. Two of the girls and I have become cohorts and we have so much fun. Tonight's class was completely insane. I don't know what was going on, maybe Jill put something "special" in the brownies she brought ;-) just kidding, but really it kinda felt that way. We laughed so hard we were crying. It was pretty great.

I really love school this semester. It's nice to be going up only three days a week instead of five. I do wish I could find a job so I could have some financial security, but part of me is grateful that I haven't had one this semester because I'm just enjoying being in school and playing with friends.

Generally life is really good. I've stopped stressing about the job issue because the stress was making it really difficult to even look for a job, let alone apply. I've applied for a bunch of jobs, interviewed for a few...but nothing is working out so I've put it in God's hands and I know that when the time is right I'll figure out where I need to be. And until then, I'll just enjoy school and society.

So, while today was not such a great day, it's not the end of the world like I let myself feel for a while tonight. I tried all day to be positive and up. I faked it well enough that I got through class without anyone knowing, but when Z canceled movie night for the second night in a row and I was left to myself, I couldn't fake it anymore. So I watched 2 movies, ate some chocolate, and wrote...and I cried my hurt out. Now I'm feeling a little better. I think I should probably go to bed now. I really hope I will be able to sleep in late in the morning. Wish me luck, I need a good, long sleep. If I don't sleep well tonight I'm taking drugs on Friday night and sleeping most of the day Saturday...just kidding.

good night

i want to hold your hand

i've been single, and completely uninvolved for just over a year and a half. generally i've been grateful for the time and distance away from men...however, there are two things i miss. i miss having someone i could just be with, be close to and talk with. and i miss the feeling of my hand enveloped in the safety of another person's hand.

i know this sounds silly but one of the reasons i couldn't marry bobpi was because his hand was too small. i didn't like the way my hand felt in his. his fingers were too close together and too small and he squeezed my hand too tight. Teddy's hands were larger and more comfortable, but he squeezed too tightly also.

one of the reasons i stayed so long with the weasel, even after i knew he was destructive was because my head rested comfortably on his shoulder, his arms held me so tenderly...and my hand fit perfectly in his. i hate that. i miss that. i hate that i miss that. i don't miss him...i miss having a shoulder on which to rest my head, arms to help me feel secure, and a hand...i can't explain the powerful effect of having a hand to hold.

one day a new man will come into my life. his hand will be more perfect for mine than any other has ever been or ever could be. i just hope he comes sooner, rather than later...

DaNcInG to Bearproof on the Roof

Tonight for FHE we had a concert on the roof of a parking garage. First of all, how cool is that! The view was beautiful, the weather was a little nippy but not bad, and the guys were AMAZING! (check them out at www.bearproofmusic.com or on Facebook).

Dancing and music used to be my all-time favorite things. I have always enjoyed a great live concert, and until a few years ago, I never had any trouble shakin' my groove thang. But recently I have not had such an intimate relationship with music and dancing. When I lost myself a few years ago, I lost this part of me too. Now that I'm getting to know myself again, I'm remembering the joy I always found in good music and dancing.

Tonight, as soon as the music started I couldn't keep myself from bobbing my head and swaying in my seat. Not wanting others to think there was something wrong with me, I contained myself as long as possible, since no one else was dancing, I didn't have the courage to bust my moves. When Pola and RJ showed up I was so excited because I knew they were less inhibited than the other ward members. Seconds after they arrived we were movin' and groovin' to the rockin' great tunes of Bearproof. I have not danced so freely and joyfully in a very, very long time.

I feel so liberated! I feel so happy! I feel so...myself!

I've always wanted a friend in a band; I'm so grateful for Z and Ring Ting Ting (two of the four band members), particularly in this moment in my life when I have been in such need of inspiration and encouragement; and when I am now so ready for life!!!

Tonight was a really good night! :)

JOY IS...

coconut bubble bath

chatting with friends on FB at 1am

Scrabble and Reese's Pieces --> birthday-of-the-week algorithm

Savage Garden / Darren Hayes

two adorable nephews

a good session

confidence in a job interview

finally feeling like I'm in the right place

that look...

oops! that lead to giggles

shoulder bumps that lead to cuddle hugs

school lessons that are directly applicable to my life

feeling visible

finding comfort and meaning in tragedy

one less worry

star wars monopoly figurines

new music that speaks directly to me

POSSIBILITIES

friends who help me feel I'm not alone

Here Comes the Sun

Today started out gloomy and glum. My head hurt and my tummy was upset, and lack of sleep had left me whimpering for my pillow and blanket. I could barely focus in class and I hadn't done the assigned reading. As I walked out of my last class (late) on the way to the bus stop, I prayed for some help. I searched for some way to draw my attention from myself. If I could focus on someone else, maybe I could forget myself and help someone else out for a while.

As I sat at the bus stop, a woman next to me on the bench was talking on her phone. I recognized her from the class I'd just come from. I didn't mean to listen in on her conversation but when you're sitting right next to a person, it's difficult not to hear what they are saying. What I understood from the half of the conversation was that there was going to be a funeral for a relative in the near future.

With BLT's funeral still so fresh in my thoughts, my heart hurt for her. My instinctual thought was to talk to her. I'm a pretty shy person and don't generally feel comfortable initiating conversations with virtual strangers. But as I tried to suppress the prompting, the thought nudged me, "This is what you wanted. This is your chance. Talk to her." So I stopped fighting and turned to her and said, "I didn't mean to overhear your conversation but I did, and I'm sorry for your loss." She thanked me and we talked until my bus came about her uncle who is in a coma and will be passing within the next couple of days. We also talked about the deaths of her mother (8 years ago) and father (last year), and I shared a little of my experiences with death, including BLT. We had a nice conversation and she expressed appreciation. She seemed to feel a bit better, and I was beginning to as well.

My sister has been on vacation for the last week so we've been keeping the kids. When I got home mom immediately requested I take care of the Baby so she and The Kid could finish making cookies. Baby has been really whiny and clingy all week, he wants to be held constantly which can be a little difficult sometimes. He was mostly happy today once I picked him up. After the cookies were done I took both boys outside to play so mom could make dinner and have a moment of peace. We had fun playing on the swings and slide. I couldn't get pictures today but these are from yesterday and too cute to not share.

See-Saw Swing

The Boys LOVE Sliding Together

Baby loves swinging, and he's really good at holding on.

After playing with the boys for a while it was time for FHE. I was still struggling a bit. As delightful as they were, the boys were a real handful and The Kid has become somewhat of a demon child so I was ready for hanging out with friends. We went to the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point. I was expecting just a corn maze but it was like a whole fall carnival! It was so much fun. I was slightly annoyed with myself for not taking my camera because Bishop paid $5 and insisted Z ride the mechanical bull. Luckily, one of the other guys had a camera phone and emailed me the picture too!So Delightful!

I struggle. It seems so easy for me to get caught up in the drudgery and stress of life. As a writer, and more specifically, as a serious poet, I tend to dwell a little too deeply in the melancholy and serious places in life. I decided today that I'm actually a pretty happy and positive person, it's just that a lot of really difficult trials piled heavily on top of me all at once for an extended period of time and I forgot how to be consistently happy. Instead I became consistently depressed. I didn't know I could be happy. I never learned how to be happy through my stress and hard times. I'm learning that now. I'm learning better coping mechanisms and strategies for more positive interactions and interpretations in life.

I know that seems like a tangent but it's actually directly related to the topic. I was sitting by Z at the church before we left. He said he was going to drive and I immediately claimed a seat in his car. I know I've been writing a lot about him recently...and I know that makes it look like I have a crush on him. This is not the case. I toyed with the idea for a moment but it didn't feel right. What does feel right is having him as a friend. He is seriously the one person I cannot be sad around. Thus far, as soon as he is in the same room, any and all storm clouds that may have been darkening my heart or thoughts, evaporate. He makes me laugh more easily than anyone else. If I'm feeling invisible (which is how I was feeling today), in less than five seconds of being with him, not only do I feel acknowledged, I feel wanted and safe to be myself. I'm not nervous or shy around him. On the way home tonight he had a Pure Funk Mix on his iPod and I felt completely at liberty to car seat dance. I'm getting my groove back! I told you dancing was coming :)

I'm grateful for all my friends. They bring the sun when I'm starting to feel gloomy. Most of the time they don't have a clue I'm even feeling down, but within seconds of being with my people, I'm smiling, laughing (often so hard that I cry), and having a great time.

My natural hope, faith, and optimism have been buried for so long under all the hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and fear that life has taught me I deserve...but I'm digging it out and I'm beginning to feel quite content to sit in the sun!

Now that it's nearly 2am, perhaps I should try to sleep. That's the next thing I need to figure out...wish me luck!

Natalie Dawnielle (aka Ellie)

Bestest Friend with baby Ellie

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Oh what sweet little toes!

"Not another picture, come on Auntie!"

Hello Baby Girl! Welcome to the world. I am your doting Auntie and
I'm gonna spoil you rotten :)

I love my nephews, don't get me wrong, but there's something extra special about a pretty in pink baby girl. I fell in love instantaneously! I'm so grateful for all the little angels in my life.

Love you Baby Girl!

ready to try again

my heart has been on hiatus for about the last year. from the time i was very young i have always been what i call a "hopeful romantic" because i believe in romance and true love and all that other storybook junk. but life was determined to teach me otherwise. i lost hope in love and romance and even reciprocation of affection. i lost total hope in ever finding a man who would love me the way i deserve to be loved.

my heart is too big for it's own good. it wants to flood love and affection all over everything, which just doesn't fly with most of the world. as i was talking with Bestest Friend earlier today i mentioned that i was born to be a Grandmother. grandmothers can get away with things that no one else can. they can be sappy and sentimental, or silly and absurd or whatever and it's perfectly acceptable. yes, i've finally decided what i want to be when i grow up...that's right! i want to be a grandmother!

sorry, tangent. anyway, my heart's too big. most people my age get really uncomfortable when i'm "too nice" or compliment them too much; generally they think i'm being sarcastic and pointing out a fault. i'm really just being sincere and trying to let them know i think they're great! but in a society where so many of the messages sent our direction are intended to pull us down and tear us apart, people get really uncomfortable around genuine kindness.

in my opinion, we need more kindness in this world...

i'm really rambling tonight, can't stay on topic. ok, back to the original point.

it's time. i'm ready to try dating again. i'm ready to regain my hopeful romanticism and allow myself to believe that good men exist, and that somewhere out there is a man who will get me and think i'm adorable enough to spend the rest of eternity being in love with me.

i no longer cringe at the thought of being held or kissed. i no longer have an anxiety attack when guys talk to me or flirt with me. i no longer respond to the question, "how's your love life?" with, "we don't talk about that". Instead, the response is, "it's been dormant, but i'm ready to wake it up and let it sizzle!"

so come, eligible young-ish men, i'm no longer a shrew, so ask me out! i won't hurt you ;-) let's have some fun!

Writing Again

Sitting in the hall, writing in my journal while waiting for the professor to come and open the classroom.
"Your name is Laura, right?" One of my classmates asked. I nodded and he continued, "I really liked your poem this week. It was your best yet! In fact, your poems have only gotten better each week. That's hard to do." I smiled and thanked him. Once we started the critiquing section of class, other classmates made similar comments about my poem.

At the end of class the professor read through each of our poems that he had reviewed and revised for us. I liked most of the changes he made, they created a tighter and more fluid piece.

The poems are coming more easily now. Writing in general has become more natural over the last few weeks. I'm beginning to feel like myself in a way I don't think I ever actually have before. This is me, the writer; more specifically, the poet. I'm an artist and I need to discard my fear and just be confident in myself. I knew this class would be good for me!

I'm writing, and I can't explain how important that is to me. I'm so grateful that I'm finally being blessed with words and poetry again.

Sleeplessness = Rambling

Mostly, life is good right now. The one sadness is losing BLT...but even in this loss there is hope and opportunity for reflection, learning, and growth.

Recently I've been too introverted and introspective. My instincts were on high alert, screaming DANGER! and seeking desperately for a safe place. Like Dorothy Gale, however, I was seeking outside of myself and therefore found more danger instead of solace.

One good thing that came from my conflict with BJL, for example is perspective. I realized that this desperate panic mode I've been caught in was blinding my perception of myself and causing others to see me inaccurately. Instead of being what I know I am, I was putting off a persona rather opposite of the true me. What's worse is that I was actually becoming convinced of this alter-ego too.

Seeing what others were seeing in me gave me the opportunity to step back and look at myself.

I'm tired of being bitter, angry, depressed, and stuck. I made choices that brought me into this state and I can make choices to bring me back out. Over the last year that's what I've been doing. It's almost never an instantaneous alteration, generally it takes time, a lot of time to pull myself out of the ditch, but I'm nearly there. The demons of my past are fading and I'm gaining more courage and self-confidence.

With this courage and confidence, I'm acquiring learning, understanding, and (I hope) wisdom. I'm learning from the past so I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I'm understanding the importance of having good influences in my life and a strong sense of who I am and who I want to be. And I hope I'm gaining wisdom to see what is really important, and focusing more on loving others and listening more than talking. I've also been working on developing a stronger anchor in gratitude and a positive attitude.

I'm getting back to being myself. I'm writing more and more, even poetry! My appreciation for music and photography, as well as other art is reviving as well. Still no dancing, but I'm sure that will come back too. I look up more, notice (and express gratitude for) the beauties of nature that are all around me. And the idea of being in a new relationship no longer terrifies me. Now I just need to find someone to be interested in ;-)

I've let myself toy with the idea of having a relationship with various guys I know, but I'm pretty sure nothing beyond friendship will develop with any of them. I'm content with friendship for now. I have some good friends (male and female) and I'm grateful for our little group. We're finally kind of balancing out. We are all relatively close in age and maturity level now and so we have a lot of fun, with a lot less drama! So nice!

I have had some trouble being only friends with guys in the past because there's almost always awkward interest on one side or the other. The Artist and Z have been particularly helpful in giving me hope that I can be good friends with guys without the gender thing getting in the way. They are both very artistically minded, as am I, so they are helping me (without even knowing it) to develop my natural inclination toward the arts. I like who I am and how I feel when I'm around them. I feel more freedom to be myself around them because I don't feel judged or defensive. I'm comfortable with The Artist because we've been friends for so long and we are basically soul twins. Z makes me laugh by his sheer absurdity, but I've also discovered that he is genuine and compassionate. Two male friends I can trust? Is that really possible? Oh I hope so.

I haven't been sleeping well. I didn't get home till midnight-thirty last night and didn't even try to sleep till after 1am. I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. Now I'm at school and you'd think I couldn't keep my eyes open...but I still can't sleep. I have a couple hours till my next class so please forgive my ramblings today. I'm just trying to sort some things out, express gratitude for my blessings, and pass the time.

Thanks for listening (or reading, as it were) ;-)

Delighted

Tonight was another great night! The day started out not so well but the rain washed my worries away. 46/50 on a test, A- on a term paper, lots of poetry...school is going really well!

When I got home mom and I were talking and decided we need more seating in the living room. We are totally amazing and moved the love seat from downstairs to the living room upstairs. We had to take it out through the garage then up the front stairs and in through the front door.

FHE was canceled tonight so I organized one of my own. We started out playing a little Star Wars Trivial Pursuit but only about 4 people were really interested in it so we turned on the most amazingly horrible movie ever made. I love it because it is so classic; it's called The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. So fantastic!

Niv and I chatted for a bit. We've been avoiding conversation with each other for a while. It was nice to talk with her again.

After the movie we sat around and talked for a bit. Z asked everyone the meaning of their surname. My name, Funk, is German and according to ancestry.com it means: nickname for a blacksmith, or for a small and lively or irritable individual, from Middle High German vunke 'spark'. He said he's going to call me Spark now. Sounds good to me; it's always fun to have a new nickname, as long as it is given kindly by a friend. :)

(I just looked up my first name, Laura, and I am delighted to find that it is an Italian name! I knew I had some connection to Italy!)

After the name game, Pola read some stories from The Scary Stories Treasury: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and Scary Stories 3 More Tales to Chill Your Bones. I used to love these books when I was a child and a couple years ago I found the trilogy at Barnes & Noble and I just had to buy it! They are not so scary now, more funny really.

Overall, the night went pretty much the way I hoped it would. We had a great time and I laughed so hard I cried! I have the greatest friends and I am so grateful for each of them. I love them dearly and I'm grateful for this time I have to enjoy their company.

~~~~~~~~~~

On my way home from school today I was thinking about the past, and some of my past relationships. I've come to understand some things about friendship. One of the most important is that it's a gift we give to each other. It should not be an obligation or even a necessity, but always a choice.
I've always had a tendency to try to hold on too tight and for too long. I thought that once I found a friend I had to hold on to him/her so they wouldn't abandon me. But now I understand that life takes us in so many different directions and sometimes that means being separated (sometimes for the rest of our lives) from those we have come to love. Separation doesn't always mean we weren't true friends, it doesn't always mean we stopped caring or stopped loving, it's just part of life.

I'm not holding on anymore. I'm just enjoying the time we share with gratitude, and hope it doesn't end too soon.

Sometimes our friends leave unwillingly and unintentionally like BLT. They are called home to Heaven and we are left to miss them, to remember them. I believe we'll meet again in the next life. I believe I will see BLT, Gramma and my other grandparents and family members, my Kari Dawn and other friends again in the next life. I love them and I miss them, and I'm grateful to know that our relationships continue beyond here and now.

Today was good. I hope this is the beginning of a trend. I hope my life is beginning to turn around and that it will only get better from here. I'm doing the best I can and I hope it's finally going to be good enough. :)

Big Heart

We were concerned but it looks like he had a medical condition. Dear BLT had an enlarged heart (among other things)...he was a kind and dear man, his heart was just too big. We will miss him very much.

Love you BLT, rest well now in God's care.

Why Didn't You Tell Me?

I should be doing homework but I have some things weighing on my heart and mind right now.

Yesterday was a pretty great day. I turned in some job applications, watched General Conference, and hung out with friends. We had girls' night and watched Jane Austen's Persuasion. Then the boys came over and we played some really fun games.

Just after Z got there he answered a phone call from Bishop. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I waited as long as I could, not wanting to interrupt the conversation, but when I couldn't wait any longer I went into the kitchen and found Z bent over the counter with his face in his hands. He wasn't sure he should say anything but I think he needed to share the burden. A friend in the ward passed away, quite possibly of his own doing. Somehow I knew before he even said anything.

I didn't know what to say. The details are a little sketchy and I didn't want to interrogate Z when he was clearly upset. He said he felt like he could have done more. He regretted not inviting the friend to more activities. He said he'd had the thought to invite him to Conference but had ignored it. I told him it wasn't his fault. I told him not to think that way. We didn't want to dampen the party or spread the word if it was supposed to be kept on the down low. Z spent the rest of the evening playing the guitar on the outside of the events. Other people teased him and tried to joke with him, but I knew he had our friend on his mind.

Toward the end of the party another guy there who had also been told made an announcement. Death is a difficult thing to deal with anyway, and it's even harder when it happens like this.

I've thought about creating my own exit at times. Life gets to be too much and it seems like it would be so much better to just be done. So I get it, I understand what people think or how they feel to be able to do something so drastic. But I could never do it.

I am grateful for certain people in my life who help me to keep going. I've been close to too many people who have lost, or nearly lost someone this way. I see the pain that is caused. I see the heartache. I have experienced some of the heartache. I would rather suffer than cause that sort of pain for others. But I do understand...both sides.

I wish that I had tried harder to be friends with BLT. I knew he was struggling. I tried to be kind and friendly. I tried to let him know I cared and that I wanted him around. But I was afraid that if I was too friendly, too kind, I'd scare him away or give him "the wrong impression". I should have loved him better. I should have forgotten about my own fears and just talked with him, listened to him, let him know he could talk to me about anything. I wish he had told me, since I know how it feels, I just feel like I could have said the right thing or done the right thing.

But thinking that way is useless now, except to do better in the future. I've been kind of selfish recently. It was necessary to some extent. It's difficult to serve and love others if you don't love yourself. I feel a lot better now and I will do my best to be a better friend.

I wish I could give love to everyone in the world so they won't be sad or hurt or discouraged enough to give up. If you read this, and you're feeling on the verge, please tell me...or tell someone. There is help available. There are people who love you. Don't give up.

All day today I've been thinking about

Oh How I Miss Thee

It's been a while since The Artist and I have spent any time together, just us like we used to. We haven't had a really good conversation in months. I think that's been part of my trouble. The Artist and I used to talk all the time, he was one of my best friends for a long while and I knew I could always count on him for a good, meaningful conversation when my life was lacking. Over the summer a distance formed between us. I could feel it, didn't like it, but didn't know what to do about it.

Tonight a bunch of us formed an underground FHE. We met at Z's house and went to get 50 cent wings at Wing Coop, then back to Z's to watch a movie. We watched Better Off Dead, one of my all time favorite flicks (I love John Cusack...he's a great actor, and totally reminds me of my dearest Uncle). It was so much fun! After the movie we stood in the parking lot for a while and chatted until everyone else dispersed and The Artist and I were the only ones left. He asked how I've been and we talked for about 45 minutes. I've missed my friend. He and I decided a while ago that we're like twins. We see things in much the same way, we've had similar experiences so we understand each other in a way that a lot of other people don't. I told him of some of my recent troubles with other people's tainted and inaccurate perceptions of me. He knows me well and has known me for quite a while so I trust him when he reassures me of the truth.

I need to remember that when I feel down, discouraged, or uncertain of my worth or identity, I should seek for reassurance from those who know me well, those who love me, and those who have been with me the longest. I've been blessed with some really good friends who love me and I am so grateful for them.

Bestest Friend, The Artist, Missalicious, and Midgie listen to me and understand me; they are the ones who have empathy because they've been through similar things; and they are the ones who can always make me feel better. Other friends don't understand as well but they are kind and supportive (Hey-Pay, RSP2, RJ and a few others). And then there's Z who just makes me grin and giggle...for all his quirks, he is so much of what I want to be; I hope we stay friends for quite a while yet so some of his characteristics rub off on me. I am so grateful for good friends. They are really the influences that make my life worthwhile.

Throughout the years I have been blessed with some really great friends. When some move on, others come to fill the void. I have so many happy memories of so many great times with friends and I'm going to do my best to remember them when I start to feel down or alone. Instead of being sad when they aren't around anymore, I'll pull out my photo albums and remember gratefully how much fun we had when we were together.

That's one reason I take so many pictures. I love capturing the great moments so that years later, when we've all gone our separate ways, I can look back and remember how much fun we had... :)

I didn't take pictures tonight, but it was definitely one of the really good ones I'd like to remember. I needed the boost, I needed to just kick back, relax and enjoy some good times with fun friends. It was a really good night!

Saturday

This week was rough for reasons unexplained and I'm really glad it's over. By the time I got to the institute for the Woman's Conference I was in a daze.
I had really weird dreams last night and woke up this morning so tense I had to tell myself to relax and stop clenching the sheets. Maybe that's where the insomnia comes in, what's the point in sleeping when it is so not restful?
I didn't really eat much today. I had a little salad around 11am then I didn't eat anything until my little cup of soup and a pita from Greek Souvlaki around 4pm. I'm not much for baked potatoes so I didn't eat at the conference either, besides just having no real desire for food. I'm in one of those moments when I don't want to eat and I have to force myself to choke something down so I don't get sick or pass out or something. People tried to talk to me at the conference but I was so out of it that I couldn't focus. I hope I didn't offend anyone, I just wasn't in my brain.

Now it's 1am and I should be sleeping, but instead I'm sitting here writing a blog post. I want to right something happy or insightful or beneficial in some way to someone...but I'm not in that place right now. I'm just talking...with an edge of negativity and I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it. I've wallowed a bit this week; I shut down because the stress became too much. Now I'll reevaluate and see if I can figure out how to come back up again. I'm doing the best I can.

i wish it would rain

Day in, day out, my tear stained face
Pressed against my window pane
I search the skies desperately for rain
Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops
And no one will ever know
That I'm crying when I go outside
~ from I Wish it Would Rain by the Temptations

Today is a weepy day.
It's just one of those days, we all have them.
I'm going to be alright; tomorrow will be better.
Life is just this way sometimes.
Today is a day to cry...
tomorrow will be a day to smile.

Ecclesiastes 3
1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. ~ Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~ Christian Nevell Bovee

Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed. ~ Natalie Clifford Barney

To weep is to make less the depth of grief. ~ William Shakespeare, King Henry VI

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears. ~ Ovid

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~ Albert Smith

Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow.
~ Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. ~ Jewish Proverb

Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit. ~ Lemony Snicket

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I feel a little better now. I've cried twice today and may cry more. But now that I've seen what others have to say about tears, I feel a little better about having a weepy day now and then.

change is coming

and i'm not sure i'm entirely ready for it. the feeling is more foreboding than anticipation, so my nerves are on end. maybe it'll turn out to be good and i'm just nervous for no reason. i don't know. we'll see...

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This is how I feel right now. Just when I think I'm making progress, someone or something comes along to knock me back again...or I trip over myself and fall. My whole life has kind of been like this and I'm working desperately to change. I've come such a long way already, climbing and falling and climbing again, just to fall again. There are moments when I cling to the side of the mountain, my feet barely perched on a narrow ledge and pray that help is on the way.

Now, what I mean by "help" is like a helicopter to pick me up and fly me the rest of the way. Sadly, there has never once been a helicopter or any other "free ride" in my life. I know, that's just how life is, it's not supposed to be easy. But my question is, "does it really have to be this hard?" I know there have been times when I have made things harder than they needed to be.

For much of my life I isolated myself, hiding in my room so no one would see that things inside of me weren't quite right. I didn't know what to do or who to ask for help, so I prayed and I did the best I could on my own. Looking at my life to this point, it's easy for me to feel like the cards were stacked against me from the start. I was born to lose, or at least it seemed I was born to have a more difficult time of things than most of the people around me. Migraines, depression, anxiety, horrible shyness, and parents who were too wrapped up in their troubles to notice how lost and frustrated I was. I never learned healthy coping mechanisms or consistently rational thought. I never learned the skills necessary to make it through the difficult times without falling to pieces.

About a year ago everything fell in on me. I could no longer hold all the weight that was piled on top of me and I collapsed under it all. I had an emotional breakdown. If it hadn't been for school and a few particular friends, I would have slipped into a nearly comatose state and refused to get out of bed...or worse...

I feel like on the day in Heaven when they were handing out the life maps mine somehow ended up going through the shredder and I've been spending my whole life searching for and collecting all the pieces so I could finally figure what my life is meant to be. I'm exhausted and discouraged. I've been working so hard and so long and it's difficult to know what else to do. I try to be happy, I try to serve and be grateful and notice the good instead of dwelling on the bad...but no matter how much I try to "fake it till I make it" I just don't ever seem to "make it" and I wonder if I ever will.

Now, I don't mean for this to be a complaining session or a venting session. In general my life is actually pretty great right now. The job thing is really stressful...I'm not stressed about not having a job, I'm stressed about all the people who keep putting pressure on me to find a job. I know they care and are just trying to help but it's just making the situation worse. I wish I'd never told anyone that I was out of a job. They say that when you are looking for employment you should tell everyone you meet (networking, right?), so, that's what I did. But instead of helping, it backfired and just made it more difficult.

As I mentioned before, I don't handle stress well, so the more pressure I feel, the less functional I become. My migraines and fatigue intensify, my anxiety gets worse, and I just turn off or find distractions so I don't freak out.

Over the last year I have been working on a lot of the obstacles that are standing in the way of success and happiness. Here's a list of the areas in which I've made progress:

~ 24 credits completed and 12 credits in progress toward my BA degree.
~ Social support system (to counteract the tendency toward isolation) established.
~ Appetite restored and regulated.
~ Emotions more in check (I'm not sobbing uncontrollably every day anymore).
~ Anxiety reined in so I no longer vomit every morning when I wake up.
~ Regular Temple Attendance, which has led to a strengthened testimony.
~ Confidence in my calling as ward communications chair.
~ Establishing more positive feelings toward and better relationships with family members (anyone who knows my history knows this is pretty huge for me).
~ Cast a certain devil out of my life (also a rather grand triumph for me).
~ Writing again...

Now I'm working on putting my faith and trust in God, forgiving and trusting myself and others, learning better coping tools, self confidence and a better self image, better communication in stressful situations, and responding rather than reacting. I also need to work on establishing a regular exercise program, improving my study habits, and finding some way of making myself sleep better.

I've come a long, long way, but I still have so much longer until I make it to where I want to be. I hope and expect to find a job within the next month, even if it's just seasonal. I need something to help me get by (and get certain people off my back). I'm doing all I can, and I'm trying harder to put the matter into God's hands. I have been praying that God's will be done, and that He will show me His will concerning me; I keep praying that He'll guide me to where I need to be so it seems to me that if I'm doing all of this and I still can't find a job, maybe there's something else I'm doing that's more important right now. The economy stinks, that's why I'm going to school to earn more knowledge and experience so that I will be qualified for better jobs when they become available.

I'm in the right place, doing the right things, and the way will open up before me when all things are in their proper time and place. So even though it feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, perhaps it's the other way around; yes there are setbacks, but I'm still progressing and things will work out.