word vomit anyone?

Have I said too much? Maybe I haven't said enough? Sigh...words are all I know so what do I do when even they fail me? Or have they failed?

Shygirl told me tonight that I think too much...I'm sure she's right. But how do I make the thoughts stop? I'm trying, I really am! I had to get them out. The song by John Mayer kept running through my head, "It's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again." So I just kept saying what I think and feel. How can anyone accuse me of not communicating? I say everything...now anyway. One of the changes I've made. Communication. I'll tell you even if you don't tell me...it'll be more efficient and productive if you talk to, but I'll work with it. I'm open, I'm honest, I'm not holding back or hiding anymore.

Hello World! Here I am! Please be kind, I love you :-)

Break Down the Walls = Communicate

I was talking with Shygirl last night about building walls. Not literal walls, the kind people build inside themselves to keep the rest of the world away from the deep places. It's a defense mechanism. We don't want to get hurt. We've learned that if we let people inside of us, we will be hurt. But what's wrong with a little pain? Doesn't it hurt more to be lonely? Doesn't it hurt more to keep yourself locked away from everyone? Doesn't it hurt to know that no one really knows the real you because you've built your walls so high and so thick?

So why do we do it? Why do we build walls to keep people away? I think it's a weapon of the Adversary. We are stronger together. The scriptures say that Zion (or God's people) are of one heart and one mind; that they are knit together in unity. How can we be knit together in unity when we are all walled up in ourselves, keeping others at a distance? Satan keeps us separate. He puts petty insecurities and differences between us. He feeds us lies and encourages miscommunication. He makes us greedy and selfish and teaches us to keep ourselves away from those who would make us stronger.

This is why people are what matters. This is why we shouldn't let things come between us and our friends. God gives us soul friends, kindred spirits, those who make us better and stronger. Satan takes them away. Satan puts up walls that we don't realize until they are there. He blinds us to the truth and keeps us silent too long. We can't let him win.

I have no walls. I have broken down my walls and I am no longer holding myself back. I will tell the truth (as I see it) when I feel I need to speak up and I hope others will be overtly honest with me as well. I accept everyone. I see everyone as a friend until they prove otherwise (and even some of those I will always keep in my heart as a friend that should have been). I pray for them, I try to communicate with them because communication is the greatest demolisher of walls. I am persistant when I see someone who is desperate to get out. I will bring my pick and chip away until I help to get them out. Shygirl is my greatest example of that. She was walled in so tight that I had to be patient and persistant but we succeeded in breaking her out...at least enough to let me in.

I don't give up on those I love. I don't push them away, I don't neglect them -- especially when they have told me they need me. Let me know and I will always be there when you need a friend, when you need someone to make you strong or see you through. Let me know and I will help you break down your walls. Because I love you.

Help Me Understand, Help Me See Truth

You can't hold me responsible for what you haven't told me.

I ask for the truth, please give it to me even if you think it'll hurt me. I asked for it, I can take it. Respect me enough to be honest.

Truth and knowledge are always better than lies and avoidance. Truth and knowledge lead to understanding and acceptance...lies and avoidance only lead to pain.

Outward Honesty is Important

It's difficult to see the whole picture of a situation when you have only your own observations and intuitions and opinions. It takes open and HONEST communication to form a full picture.

I know I don't see everything, that's why I ask questions and hope that people will tell me the truth. I know people are better than they sometimes act. I know people are not the jerks they seem to be sometimes, I just can't see the whole picture. I ask for honesty and open communication from those I care about so I don't jump to the wrong conclusions with my partial understanding. What can I do when people won't talk or won't tell me the truth? What do I do when no matter how I try to just let it go and stop thinking about it, I can't?

I ask. Generally in writing because I forget things when I am talking. I tell my point of view and my feelings and hope that the person I've confided in will tell me his point of view and feelings. Just be honest. The truth may sting for a moment but in the long run, it's better to be honest than to tell people what you think they want to hear.

I never make promises unless I know for absolute certain I can keep the promise. If I don't know without a doubt that I can keep the promise I say something like, "Dear friend, I can't promise but I will do all in my power to do this thing." I can't promise those who love me won't get hurt sometimes. I can promise I will never do anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt someone. I can't promise I will always be there for you exactly when you need me (through the hope of inspiration), but I do promise I will do all I can to be there for you...especially when you tell me you need me. I promise I will always love you as a friend and do all in my power to aid you in whatever you need that I can provide.

Friendship is extremely important to me. It's not something I go into lightly, it's not something I give up without a fight or without a really, REALLY good reason. Even when the other person in the friendship decides to walk away, I still keep up my side of the friendship, if only in my heart. I mourn the loss of friends and rejoice when friendships are renewed.

The scriptures say, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God" and I believe it's true. Every soul is precious and valuable and we should do all we can to treat those around us with respect and kindness and love. Love doesn't give up, no matter what. I love you and I promise to do everything in my power to never give up on you.
You are important to me.
And that's the honest truth!

seeking a true friend

Bestest Friend has been gone on a cruise for a week and a day now. I've been doing fine. I had a pleasent Christmas with family and I hung out with EB and The Artist...and The Man (I adore him and though I feel horrible on his behalf, I'm secretly a little glad that his current misfortune has brought his friendship back to me). I am so grateful for my dear friends and I appreciate the time we spend together, but I miss my Bestest Friend. I need to talk about things. I need to fall apart and have her there to listen and then help me piece things back together.

This year was terrible...probably the most difficult I've had in my life. I'm not saying there weren't good moments, there were, but it was a really hard year. Healing hurts. This was a year of breaking open and a lot of feelings and overwhelming emotion...and healing. One thing I've learned is that healing is a lonely process. When you are emotionally broken and in the process of finding a way to put yourself back together, people go away. Misery may love company, but it very often doesn't find any. I have had people around, lingering in the background and ready to step in when I'm having a good day and am ready to have fun...but in the truly difficult or painful moments, I've found myself usually alone.

No one understands what I've been through, though I've tried to explain just so I don't have to go through it alone, no one really understands. I know that God knows...but in a lot of these dark moments of anguish, it feels as though even He has turned His attention away.

Bestest Friend has done the best she could but this was a big year for her. She met the love of her life in January and was majorly wrapped up in him. My love life crumbled to pieces and I'm left without even the promised friendship. The loss of the friendship hurts more than the loss of a romantic relationship. His betrayal cuts so deeply that I can't even find the words to express the hurt. He promised and he broke his promise. I'm not angry, I'm just sad and hurt.

Right now I need a true friend. I need someone who won't abandon me, who will be by my side no matter what. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that the year is over (almost) and that next year will be better because I deserve to be happy. This year hurt more than almost any other year of my life and I just need someone to tell me that the hurt will end and the joy will come. I feel lost at sea, tossed on the waves and windblown. I don't want to be swallowed by the depths, I want to be rescued and made to feel safe. I want a safe and warm lap to rest my head on. I want someone to comb their fingers through my hair and soothe the fear and the ache that is raging inside.

I believe that next year will be better. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that school will be good, that I'll find a job I like before my funds completely run dry. I believe new friends will come and fill the void left by others. I believe the fear will fade and the ache will cease. I believe I'll wake up and not wish I hadn't. I believe joy will come as I seek it and invite it. But tonight, I miss my best friends. Tonight my heart hurts and the hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I can't see how my beliefs will become reality. Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow my vision will be washed clean. Maybe tomorrow I'll find a true friend who has some sympathy, some answers, some love to give...

Christmas Cookies with The Kid

That's a rolling pin, not a baseball bat, silly!

Hey Child, I see you eyeing those sprinkles...

Little Baker helping Gramma

Yeah, he's as mischievous as he looks. But he's a lot of fun to bake Christmas Cookies with!

Boy FRIENDS

There is an anonymous comment on my previous post that said "It's true, boys are no good. You're better off pretending they don't exist." Thank you for your comment (I appreciate all comments) and please know that this post is not meant to offend or anything. Your comment just made me think and inspired another post. Thanks :-)

I appreciate the support in my decision to take a break from being "involved" with boys for a while...but I want to make it clear that I don't think all boys are "no good" or that I'm "better off pretending they don't exist." I like boys a lot. One of my best friends is a boy (my dear, The Artist). At this point, I simply like boys much better as friends than as romantic interests.

Every time I pray about a husband I am told to wait. I am told that my desires will be granted in the Lord's time and in His way. So I'm trying to make the decision my own. I'm doing my best to be patient and to focus my life on pursuing other goals and dreams while preparing myself to be the best me I can be. My ultimate goal in life has always been to be a wife and mother but obviously there are other things I need to experience and accomplish before the time is right.

So, I adore the boy FRIENDS in my life right now and I would not wish them away for anything. In fact I'm working on cultivating new friendships as well. I miss the guy friends who have distanced themselves from me for whatever reason (mainly the ones who flatter themselves into thinking I'm madly in love with them when I simply care for them as friends...but whatever, I'm here if they ever get their heads on straight and decide they miss my friendship). But, I'm taking charge. No more wallowing over the insecurities and ignorances of others. I'm a fantastic friend and if they can't see it, that's their loss.

Ok, enough with the defiance! I have to go pick up my Gramma and Uncle from Bliss's house now. Have a fantastic week leading up to Christmas. I'm feeling better now so I'll probably write more at some point this week. Have fun!

sick, sick, sick

I feel lousy. This is the worst week for being sick. It hit me suddenly yesterday and now I'm going crazy. Sunday is the Christmas program at church and not only am I in the choir, I volunteered to give a little talk. How am I supposed to sing or talk when my nose is stuffy and my throat is scratchy and congested? Ugh! No good.

On a happy note, I got my grades today. Even with all the drama and emotional instability of the last few months, my lowest grade was a B+, very good! I'm pleased! Next semester will be even better because I won't have the complication of having guy troubles. I've decided to take a break for a while. It's better for me to focus on school and deciding my future than to wallow in self pity because I don't have a man to love me. I have friends and that's enough. I'm content.

Ready to not be sick...but otherwise content.

Speed Dating, No Thank You!

Shygirl and The Artist wanted to go so I went. I'm trying to be more involved and it wasn't horrible, but it was not my idea of a great way to meet people.

They had us lined up at a table, boys on one side, girls on the other. The boys rotated every two minutes. So we had two minutes to chat, introduce ourselves, etc. The problem was that we were squished together and everyone was talking at the same time. We ended up having to shout in order to hear each other. NOT effective communication. Then there's the part about having to repeat the same facts about yourself over and over to ten different guys every two minutes. I got a little bored. NO interest in any of the guys I met either. I just wasn't impressed. But then, they didn't take any interest in me either. But you know, I'm not heartbroken over it. The Artist and some other friends from the ward went to Applebee's after and then to a friend's house to play Atari. Now those were fun times!

It was an interesting experience but I think I'll stick to the normal ways of meeting people and dating.

Family

About six or seven years ago I wrote a poem. I had no idea then how widely applicable it would be. In this moment I am surrounded by people who fit into my poem. They are wounded. They are in need of an understanding heart, a compassionate friend to love them through the healing process. Someone to hear their stories, someone to turn to when the darkness closes in and they can't find the way back into the light.

I've been working through it my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't have a shadow and a hurt in the deep place in my heart. I talked to a woman once who does some sort of alternative therapy and she said I came to this earth with this hurt, as though something happened before I was born that wounded my soul. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that somewhere in my existance something happened to me that left a scar that still hurts. Life, my own mistakes, and the carelessness or cruelty of others have left me with more scars.

I used to curse it. I used to plead that God would take the hurt away; go back in time and make it so the hurt never happened. But now I see that there is a purpose in the pain. These experiences make me unusually compassionate toward the suffering of others. I understand the hurts of others in a way that a lot of people don't understand. I think it makes me more forgiving, more patient with the defects of others.

I've experienced a lot in my life. I've experienced a lot more than I think one person should have to experience. And yet, there are so many people who have survived worse. I don't know exactly what they are feeling. I don't know exactly what they are going through. But I understand enough to know they need gentleness, compassion, patience, and support. I can't heal them, though I can add to the cure by being a loyal friend and standing by them no matter what. I can love them and listen to them and keep their secrets until they are ready to release them. I can hold them and catch their tears. I can tell them they are going to be okay, eventually they are going to be okay. I can remind them of the grace and mercy of God. When it feels like He's abandoned them, forsaken them, or even caused the hurt they feel, I can remind them that God is good and will heal them if they trust in Him. I can help to hold them together; I can walk with them until they can stand on their own. I have been there. Some days, I'm still there...

I love everyone. I love each person as a member of my family: brothers, sisters, cousins, whatever relational title you want to assign...you, everyone brought into my sphere of existance, you are my family and I love you. Whatever you need from me, I love you and will do all I can to help you, to lift you, to heal you. Because I love you.

It's just a little crush...

He's a year younger. He's driven and busy. He is optimistic and enthusiastic. He's artsy and incredibly musically inclined: he sings, dances, and plays the piano. He's talented. I find him strangely attractive...especially today. He intrigues me. He's quirky and he seems spontaneous. He's the kind I can picture dancing in the rain or through the aisles of a supermarket or the middle of the street. He gets endearingly emotional over the Christmas songs. He has a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

He has the most delightful smile. His whole face lights up. I feel a little giddy when he smiles at me. Today I was singing and I looked up from the music, his eyes were fixed and he was smiling...at me. Tingles and butterflies. Choir practice has become my favorite time of the week.

But it's just a little crush. He's not interested in me. He barely even knows my name...sigh.

Interesting facts:

He was in my institute class at SUU when I lived in Cedar City and now he's in my student ward in Salt Lake City.
He is an actor at the theater where my brother and sister-in-law work.

OK, that's really all I've got. He gives me a reason to smile, even if it's only once a week. He gives me something else to think about. He gives me glimmers of hope.

P.S. there's another guy too. He's adorable. He's sweet and easy to talk to. He's helpful and kind. He's younger than me too...though I'm not sure how much younger. Also probably will not go anywhere, but, you never know.

At least I'm making new friends and putting myself out there, right? I'm doing my best. I'm ready for something good, I'm ready for something new. I'm really, really ready to try again.

Oh, and, the FHE activity tomorrow night is Speed Dating. Yipee! Hahaha. I'll let you know how it goes. ;-)

Do not despair, your star is still there

I LOVE singing! As I mentioned before, I joined the ward choir a couple months ago and I am so blissfully happy I did. There's nothing I love more at Christmas time than singing in a choir with a good choir director. The songs he chose are beautiful, and profound.

The title of this post is a line from one of the songs we're singing for the Christmas program next Sunday. It's a song about a shepherd boy who heard the angels sing and followed the star to the Christ Child. The line preceding talks about how life goes on, years beyond the profound experience, and you start to lose your way a little. But there's a voice that calls to you, "Do not despair, your star is still there" to remind you that the Christ is ever living, ever able to save. You are not lost in the darkness of night because the Star shines, pointing the way back to safety and peace.

The other songs are equally as uplifting and affective. The choir director makes me smile. He has such energy and enthusiasm, he's quirky and has the most engaging smile. Pure delight to watch him dance around and get so caught up in the music. I can't keep myself from smiling. I can't keep my eyes away from him. I hope he doesn't think I'm creepy for watching him (oh wait, he's the director, they like it when you watch them. haha!) He's intriguing and I'd very much like to be friends with him... ;-)

There's a stake Christmas fireside tonight. Each of the ward choirs in the stake are performing their best song in a competition. I don't care too much about winning (though our song is the best and we're not too shabby), I just LOVE that I get to sing! It makes me so happy!

It Hurts on the Heart Side

One year at Girl's Camp I was voted: Most Tender-Hearted.

"easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind; affectionate or loving; sentimental; considerate or careful; acutely or painfully sensitive; easily broken, fragile"
~ Definitions of tender from dictionary.com.

Yep, that's me. I'm great with empathy because I take everything to heart. I feel everything deeply and completely. It's a great thing when I can understand another person's brokenness or struggle or heartache...
it's not such a great thing when it causes me to be extra-sensitive to disappointment or the cruelty of others.

I just want to love everyone I come in contact with. I want to hug them and give them the love they never received or simply fill in the crevices if that's all they need. I try to be nice, treat people with kid gloves so as to not inflict harm. I would never hurt anyone on purpose. Any hurt I have caused has been simply overflow of the hurt I feel that I can't figure out how to contain.

I'm here to love and to heal, never to harm.

Sadly, sometimes people misunderstand or misinterpret my attempts at kindness, friendship and love. Mostly the problem is with guys. I want to be friends but they think I'm hitting on them or madly in love with them and run away. Or, they see my tenderness as a weakness or vulnerability and exploit my kindness, twisting it and tearing my heart apart. I'm so weary of guys shredding my heart. I'm exhausted from guys making promises they don't keep. I'm tired of thinking I've found a friend, only to discover he is false and fleeting.

He's probably just busy with finals and life but I just don't know. It feels like more than that.

Today it hurts on the heart side. I miss him but he doesn't seem to care anymore. He's breaking all his promises and it makes me so sad. I can't say anything because he still just doesn't understand. He hasn't forgiven me (because he still doesn't understand). And to make matters worse, he's in the new love-bubble so he can't see clearly. His lack of vision wrenches my already tattered heart. I want his friendship but he seems to be incapable of being a true friend right now. Are there any men who know how to be a true friend? The Artist has been pretty good at
it thus far...even when he's dating someone, he sticks around and makes time to let me and his other friends know he cares. I thought the other would be that way, he promised to be but he's not doing so well.

All I know is I miss him; he seems to be changing and not for the better. She makes him a smaller man. She's not protective, she's possessive and controlling...stealing him away from his friends. Never in my life have I asked a boyfriend to neglect his friends, no matter their history.

He won't listen to me. He won't talk to me. It seems these days that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...so I want to get him out of me. I want to stop caring so his ignorance and avoidance and lies will stop hurting my heart. But I can't. I'm not bitter, I'm not closed off. I'm not building walls or numbing. I'm not shutting down. I'm open and pursuing life...I'm moving forward. But I can't keep it from hurting on the heart side when I feel his absence so acutely.

He wanted to love me when I was broken and not myself. But it wasn't real love or he would have forgiven me and stood by me until I healed. He was blinded by the love-bubble the whole time we were together. He refused to admit my defects (though I told him almost daily that I was broken and defective) until the bubble burst...then the shards pierced him and he still wouldn't see me clearly.
He said recently that he wanted to see that I've changed but then he turned and walked away. How can he see the real me if he's gone? How can he claim to care when he's never around? He said he didn't want to hurt me but his lies and his lack of honesty hurt me. His lack of compassion and understanding hurts me. His silence hurts me...missing him hurts me. He promised and now he's acting like a jerk. And that hurts more than anything.

Now there's nothing I can do...except wait. So I'll wait for as long as it takes...he's going to need my friendship at some point and I'll be here with open arms and an open heart.

Just Remember...

People are what matters

Life is a process

Truth Takes Time

Love always wins in the end

The things that take the most effort, the things that require the greatest personal sacrifice, are the things that are most worthwhile.

No man defines who you are

I love hugs and kisses (I mean the real thing, not the Hershey kind) more than anything else, ever.

I love books. I buy books even if I don't have time to read them just because I love books.
I especially love hardback books with beautiful covers and clean old-looking paper. And I especially love poetry books, and children's books with beautiful illustrations.

I love music and art.
I love singing.
I love drawing and coloring.

I love movies and TV shows. I love watching the interactions between the characters. I love seeing the personalities. I love the writing, the dialgue, the story plots and twists. I love seeing how other people see the world and how they expose their ideals in artistic ways.

I love lilacs and sterling roses. I prefer one rose to a dozen.

I believe in the worth of souls. I believe than people are generally good and that everyone has something worthwhile inside of them. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and in looking for the good in those I meet. I love to discover their story and what makes them unique. I believe anyone can be great if given the right support and encouragement and opportunity.

I love to write. I love the letters, the words, the sentences. I love creating something that others can gain something from.

I love teddy bears, monkeys and stuffed frogs.

I love letters, notes and cards. I have four shoeboxes full of notes and letters and cards (even post-its or scrap paper messages) that I've been given over the course of my lifetime.

I love peeling oranges. I take my time removing all the veins so I don't break the skin. It sometimes takes me 45 minutes to peel an orange.

I love folding paper. I love making paper cranes because my 4th grade teacher taught us how as we read Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes. I love the idea of getting a wish if you fold 1000...still working on mine.

I love music boxes, wooden or snowglobes. I love wooden boxes (with beautiful carvings) and I love snowglobes (particulary with the Kim Anderson figurines).

I love chocolate. Milk or dark, no white. No nuts...I hate nuts. NOT Nestle brand.

I love friends. I love listening to friends. I love being the reliable one that friends turn to when they need someone. I love having fun with friends. I love talking with friends. I love sharing life with friends. My heart always has room for a new friend...

I love cranberries and cranberry juice (but only the Albertsons brand juice).

I love games: board games and card games or getting-to-know-you games.

I see the world a little differently than most. I believe that people are the most important. I believe in loving everyone. There is always a place in my heart for each person whose path crosses mine. Jesus said love everyone and that is what I try to do. We are all a part of the same eternal family and as such I don't believe in throwing people away. My heart is big enough for everyone to have a place. My only request is that you treat my heart with care. It's been broken before and it'll be broken again, I understand that's part of life. But try to be careful and sensitive when dealing with my heart, as I try to do with yours.

I'm a little dark and twisty, a little broken and damaged. But I know my defects and I can handle them. I have weakness too, just like everyone else. I'm sorry if my weakness or darkness has hurt you in any way. It was entirely unintentional. I would never hurt someone on purpose. I just want to love and lift and heal.

I'm moving forward. I have a path to tread and no one is going to hold me back. I make my own decisions and choose my actions despite what others say or do to harm me or impede my progress. My heart is open and I am doing all I can to be who I want to be. One of these days I am going to do something to leave an impression for good on this world. I don't know what yet and I don't know how, but I intend to be one of the noble ones who would not give in or give up. I intend to leave this world better than it was when I got here. I am not a quitter. I am not a loser. I am a fighter. I will succeed.

"All friendship is fleeting and ends in abandonment"

So it happens to everyone and I should stop taking it so personally when people decide they don't want me anymore? Ok. Thanks once again Bones. I can move on with my life now.

I'm grateful for the moments I've been blessed to share with people I love. I will focus on that gratitude and stop mourning the loss when these moments end.

I still don't believe in throwing people away and I will never request a dear friend to leave; they will always have a place in my heart and life. But I'll try to not get so disappointed when others walk away.

Artist, paint my heart happy

The Artist -- Favorite guy friend of all time (conversing with you is so good for my heart)

Shygirl -- fantastic female friend (and new Heroes buddy)

Barnes & Noble (even though their poetry section is hidden, unlabled, and pathetic) still the bookstore of my heart and my favorite happy place

Ihop -- (terrible cheese sticks) tasty chicken strips and our server was completely wonderful

All in all, a fantastic evening!

The answers are in what I haven't learned yet

This semester I changed my minor from History to Family Studies. Communication was a prominent topic of study, and one I'm most interested in. I believe communication is the greatest asset to any relationship. Before this class I thought there were only two types of communicaters: those that do and those that don't. Some people just don't like to talk about things. Other people like to talk about everything.

There are actually many different types of communicators and the key to good communication is understanding the types and being able to recognize them in those you converse with.

Had I known this information a year ago, life would possibly be very different today. So maybe the fact that I didn't have this knowledge a year ago is proof that things are what they need to be now. If they were meant to be otherwise, I would have learned it before. Ok. No more looking back. I can't change what has been or what is (except as it relates to the future). Now I know what kind of communicator I am and I know what to look for in those I converse with. So, I can be better from now on.

I'm generally a Validator. I try to talk about the issue until I'm certain both parties involved understand. I have a tendency to get involved with Conflict Minimizers though, and they avoid talking about the issues as much as possible. I get frustrated because I need to understand the other person's perspective and I need to be heard and validated in my perspective. Conflict Minimizers are not good at this. So communication is ineffective and frustrating to both parties. I guess I need a Validator like me.

That understanding is helping me to let go and move forward. I'm still frustrated that I can't work things out when people refuse to be honest and talk to me about things but I'm doing my best to accept them as they are. I'll just keep loving them no matter what and that's enough...in the eternal scheme of things, you never lose by loving. It may take a while to come around, but when you open your heart and love unconditionally, the Universe will always reward you with love.

So, I'm open, I'm loving, I'm hoping. And I'm always learning...

Re-writing

I've spent most of the afternoon working on my portfolio for my creative nonfiction class. Tomorrow is the last day and I couldn't be happer to end a class. This has been a difficult semester for writing. I've revised five of my six stories but I'm stuck on the last one.

I don't know why but I hate this story. I want to wad it up and throw it away, forget I ever wrote it. It's terrible writing. There's no heart in it at all. It's wordy and boring. The funny thing is that it's about my car accident. Wouldn't you think something like that would be action packed and interesting? Or at least emotional? Nope. I avoided the real story and instead focused on the car itself.

My teacher says that you can't write well without exposing something of yourself. You have to sacrifice something personal in order to be effective in literature. You can't be afraid of the real story. You can't be afraid to go deep and find the real meaning in an experience. This story has nothing, it is nothing. I hate it. I've been avoiding it since my peers critiqued it. It's infantile.

I think maybe I'm just tired. Perhaps it's bedtime. I'll find a way to fix it tomorrow.

Filter

We are reading Frankenstein in my British Lit class. One of the main themes is:

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

I'm trying to apply that to my blogging. Just because I can say anything, doesn't mean I should.
I keep writing blog posts, posting them, then taking them down. I don't know what to say. I don't know what's ok and what isn't, I don't know who reads and who doesn't. I don't know how what I say is received by those who do read.
So I'm working on censuring myself. I don't want my blog to be a dumping ground anymore. I want to be uplifting and enlightening, not preachy or accusing or complaining.

Life is good and I want to share the good. So I'm working on my filter.

Thankful for...

ever extending family (both biological and eternal)

a movie and chat with The Artist (my soul-twin)

children

four-day weekends

dear and lasting friends

movies, books, music, art

life: opportunities to correct mistakes, change defects, gain better perspective, grow, learn, improve, and evolve into who I want to be.

conversation with my dad...real, true, honest, meaningful, insightful.

Holidays are Joyful

The holidays tend to encourage a reminiscent spirit. Today I thought about Thanksgivings past and realized that this year is the first in five years that I am not "involved" with someone...

My sister and her family are spending the day with her in-laws. My parents, and my brother and his wife will be here much of the day and for the feast...but after dinner my brother and sister-in-law are going to spend time with her family and my parents are going to the Jazz game. Shygirl will be with her parents, Bestest Friend with her in-laws, the Artist with his family, as will all others. So, I guess I will spend the holiday hanging out with myself.

It's ok though. I like myself these days and that's something to be grateful for. I'll probably continue my Sandra Bullock movie marathon and work on my homework.

It's hard to believe next week is the end of the semester. It has gone by so fast. I think it's a tender mercy. The last few months would have been a lot more difficult if it felt eternal. It's a lot easier to believe in "this too shall pass" when the days blur with the speed of light. This entire year has been rather intense. I've done an about-face from where I was last year. 180 degree difference. I'm content.

The holidays are often difficult for those of us who are painfully aware of our singularity. My older and younger siblings are married, leaving me the odd one out at family gatherings...or otherwise. But I'm ok with it this year. I'm content to spend the rest of the year finishing my transition and finding my lasting peace. I've gained great strength of character this year. Next year will be a year of building anew and I want to make sure the foundation is firm and functional. I look forward to many blessings and new experiences in 2010.

I've decided to stop dwelling in the past. If I've learned anything from my Creative Non-fiction class this semester it is that I no longer want to write about where I've been and what I've been through, I'm so tired of constantly rehashing my heartaches, defects and disappointments. From now on I am writing for the moment and for the future. That is where hope comes into play.

I was told once that I need to "have love in [my] heart and hope in the future," I haven't done so well with those concepts over the last few years, I've been broken, bitter and angry, depressed and afraid. NO MORE! Peace, love, faith and hope is my new mantra. I guess I should add trust and patience in there as well. Those are the main virtues this year has taught me...or is trying to teach me. :-) As I said, next year will be much better.

So I'll enjoy my Thanksgiving and look forward to Christmas...my Gramma and Uncle will be here for Christmas! That's the greatest joy I can ask for! My dearest Uncle has always been one of my very favorite people. I can't explain it, he's just one of the few people who have made his way into the very deepest place in my soul. He's been a near stranger most of my life, drifting in and out over the years so I'm grateful that he's made a habit of coming for Christmas. He's what makes my Christmas joyful!

one step enough for me...

Guide me through the moment
tell me how to use my hands
and where to place my feet
hold the pieces of my heart

mend them into something new

bless my eyes to see what's true

I cannot go on further alone
I'm shaken and weary to the bone
Help me make it safely home

Today I am grateful for perspective gained from experience that lends understanding in difficult moments...and for the knowledge that change and blessings come to those who wait patiently on the Lord.

I'm breathing through it...eventually things will fall into place. Right now it feels like everything is up in the air, out of my reach. I'm waiting for it to come down, I'm waiting for it to settle. I'm fairly certain I'll be waiting for a while. But I'm getting pretty good at waiting. It's ok, gives me time to reflect and contemplate the wonders of the universe and whatnot. It's gonna be ok.

Eeyore Day

Yesterday was an Eeyor day. The whole sky was overcast due to a pending storm and it made my head ache and my spirits sink. Watching ABC Family Christmas movies all day didn't help like I hoped it would. Even shopping for a new computer didn't push the clouds completely away. Some days are just that way.

Focusing on homework last night was useless so instead I baked pumpkin bread, watched Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (yea Sandra Bullock!) and chatted with a friend on Facebook. It helped for a while.

This morning I woke up excited to go to church. I'm getting to know a lot of the ward members and I don't feel so alone or out of place in my ward right now. And I love being in choir...the one time when Christmas music before Thanksgiving makes sense! ;-)

The sky is overcast and it smells like snow outside. My headaches a bit because of the weather and my heart is a little weary because of unanswered questions and life moments that still don't make sense...but I'm not discouraged. Things are going to work out. The Lord is with me and I know that His perspective is much clearer than mine.
Life is good and getting better...

how much is too much when it comes to the one you love?

Disclaimer: I know it's just a TV show, but I love watching certain kinds of shows because they often lead me to philosophical meditation. Such deep thinking often leads to considering my own beliefs...which then usually helps me adjust my perspective. Besides, the character and plot intricacies also help with my creativity and writing. When a line of dialogue or a plot twist catches my attention it jump-starts my brain and I have to write.

Heroes is one of my favorite TV shows. For the last few episodes Hiro has been trying to save the love of his life, Charlie. He is "master of space and time" so he has been traveling back and forth through time (even though it's killing him because he has a brain tumor) trying to save Charlie. First he saved her from Syler (a.k.a. the brain man) and an aneurism, now from an apparant psychopath who has kidnapped her until Hiro does what he tells him to...or so he said.

The concept of love has been on my mind recently. This week my thoughts on the subject were particularly focused on: how much is too much when it comes to the one you love? Is there a line? How long do you hang on to loving someone? How hard do you fight for them? Is there a point where you just give up and walk away?

Not all my thoughts stem from fiction, here's an example from real life:
I know a couple who have had some really hard times. For the majority of their thirty years together the wife was pretty crazy. She suffered from Depression and Anxiety and she would freak out over the smallest things. She threatened to leave, she threatened suicide and there were times their children wished she would follow through with one of her threats. But she didn't.
I often wonder why the man didn't leave his wife. Why would he stay when she was often so wretched to him? Why would he stay with her, when she got the knife from the drawer and tried to slit her wrist...or when she yelled and threw furnature at him; or used their savings to pursue selfish and irrational dreams?
Was he crazy too? Should he have left?

He didn't leave. He stayed. He never allowed his children to speak badly of their mother, he supported her through everything. They are still together to this day. She got help. She worked things out inside herself (largely because of his love and support) and she is perfectly sane and stable and they are very happy now. Because he loves her enough to endure all and conquer all for her.

I guess this couple is where I get my determination that love (plus patience and understanding) can conquer all. And, Hiro will go to any lengths to save Charlie...with the brain tumor, he may even go to the extent of dying for her.

I would (insert your favorite cliche') for the one I love...but would he do the same for me?

I guess the real question that I'm getting at is:

Do you think love like that really exists in the world today? My heart has that sort of stamina and determination, but am I an exception or the rule?

I wish he'd stayed for me. I wish he'd loved me enough...I wish he'd relied on the answer he got instead of giving up. I wish I'd had the words to tell him it would all be worth it if he could just hang on a little longer. But things don't change because I wish them to. I love him with my whole heart...which means, right now, I love him enough to let him go. If I were selfish I would fight for him, but selfishness has no place in lasting love. He's asked me to let him move on so that is what I am doing. One day someone will come who will love me endlessly and infinitely.

I believe in love that conquers all. I believe it does still exist and that it will exist for me.

Baby!

After stake conference I made Shygirl go with me to the hospital so I could hold my new baby nephew who was born last night around 5pm. He's so adorable! He has so much hair! I loved him instantaneously. Thank Heaven for miracles mascarading as bundles of joy!

I came home and played with Baby's older brother, my dear, The Kid for the rest of the day.

What more could I ask to make my day perfect? I love being the doting Auntie!

Best Friends

Last night was Bestest Friend's wedding reception. It was beautiful, perfect! I was the maid of honor and she was the bride of my dreams :-)
Supposedly I'm next...I caught the bouquet...

Shygirl was one of the brides maids, The Artist and Em came too so we all sat at a table for a while. A neighbor asked what I was going to do now that my best friend is married and I'm not. I said I didn't know but then I looked across the table and said, "I have my other best friends here!" They were very excited to be my possy and said we should make t-shirts that say "Laura's Best Friends" or something. Create a fan club. Hahaha!

I love them dearly, they make me happy!

After the reception Shygirl and I went back to my house to watch Heroes and The Artist came over a little later to watch with us. I made The Artist go with me to take Shygirl home because I was half asleep by then. He is so dear to my heart. I love him and love hanging out with him. We have some great conversations and he's just a lot of fun to be with.
Good Times!

And I'm glad to know that even though Bestest Friend is married, she still needs me and makes time to call me...and we've had the chance to hang out a few times too! I love her husband too. At first I was a little skeptical but he is a rather perfect friend-in-law. He and I bonded on Halloween and I've had nothing but loving feelings for him ever since. He knows I'm important to Bestest Friend and that she is important to me. He won't get in the way of our friendship and has even encouraged her to call me or answer my phone calls, even when it's not super convenient. He's good people!

I am so grateful to be blessed with fantastic friends!

Speaking of gratitude for best friends, it was nice to have a moment with Bobpi at stake conference today. I miss talking with him, he's still one of the people I want to talk about everything with (like how happy I am about my new nephew...or questions and insights about gospel topics, or school...or anything...)
I know this is silly but what I miss more than almost anything is getting Greek and watching our shows together...very few people seem to like that combination. That was one of my favorite things about our friendship. Maybe one day we'll be able to do that again. I hope...

Tender Mercies

I woke up feeling anxious and gloomy this morning. The heavy sky didn't help and while riding frontrunner to school I felt myself slipping. I prayed for something to lift my mood. Within a few minutes a two-year-old girl with crazy red curls took notice of me sitting across the aisle and back one section. She played peek-a-boo. She showed me all her treasures. She showed off. She smiled at me.
Her dad kept apologizing that she was bothering me. I told him it was no bother at all. She was an angel sent to cheer me up.
We pulled into Ogden station and she jumped off her seat before the train stopped and started walking down the aisle. Her dad had his hands full so I grabbed her and sat her on the seat next to me. Her four-year-old brother came and sat across from us so I entertained them for a moment while their dad gathered their things. Cutest kids!

I thought of The Kid...and his little brother who should arrive this weekend! I'm so grateful for my nephews, they are the joy of my life!

My first class was cancelled today, very nice...my creative nonfiction class was fun. The whole class critiqued my vignette and they had some pretty fun things to say. I really like that class (except that my writing really doesn't fit what my teacher wants me to write, oh well) it's fun and we're pretty friendly. It's a tangenty class, we're always getting off topic but in a good way. They are people like me, writers, quirky, random. It's good times.

The ride home was fun with my sister-in-law. Love her!

My car payment was due so I went down to WSJ to visit my people. I walked in to the Walmart and my favorite door greeter was there, Gramma Carma! She was excited to see me and I stopped to chat with her for a moment. I saw a few other Walmart employees who asked how things were going. DisneyKid was just leaving when I got there, he said he was sick and going home for the evening. It was good to see him for a moment though. Double E was working so I sat and chatted with her for about an hour. I love that she's a soul friend. I miss working with the kids down there but I don't miss the CU.

My gloomy day turned out to be a pretty good day, thanks to good friends and the tender mercies of Heaven! Now I just need to get my homework done and I'll be set! No problem :-)

Oh, Bones and Grey's Anatomy are on tonight too! So fantastic!

Empath = An Understanding Heart

It's a slanted perspective to see the extraordinary through ordinary eyes.
Fear is easier than understanding.

So how do you deal with it?

By not having to deal with it. I simply surrounded myself with people who by definition are like me. It's a whole lot easier for someone like you to understand you.

~ Heroes

I like to be with a variety of people. I learn more from diversity in my acquaintances. Yeah, sometimes it hurts when they don't understand me or I don't understand them, but I'm willing to risk it for the experience and deeper growth.

I've never been one to take the easy way out (though it may seem that way to some). I don't give up, especially on other people. Even the ones that everyone says I should give up on, even the ones who seem like they will never live up to their potential...even the ones who hurt me...I pray for them and I never give up hoping I will one day see the fulfillment of their potential. I believe in loving people for who they are and always encouraging them toward the best they can be.

We all need someone to understand us, to stand up for us, to stand with us against those who don't understand (or who are too narrow minded or immature to seek understanding). Generally, even when I don't exactly understand, I can at least have compassion and try to be what the person needs. At least let them know that someone loves them enough to stand by them, no matter what.

If I had a "Heroes power" it would be like Peter's. I would be an Empath. I am an empath without the supernatural stuff. I understand the heart of hearts and I can help to heal what is broken there...if nothing else, I can listen and I give awesome hugs!
;-)

I believe we all have some extraordinary in us. I think that some of us seek to cultivate it a little more than others do...and some would prefer to be ordinary but can't seem to escape the extraordinary. I like to think that I'm extraordinary, at least I have the makings of something special and I'm working hard to cultivate it.

"Fear is easier than understanding" is an interesting statement. Fear allows us to run away, to step out of difficult or uncomfortable or painful situations. I wonder, though, how many of those situations we run from would have led to something truly phenominal if only we had the courage to seek understanding instead of giving in to the fear.
There's nothing I can do to reclaim those blessings and opportunities that I ran from, but I am making a concerted effort to avoid fear and seek understanding when I am faced with the option from now on.

Any thoughts about any of this?

Get Involved

I forgot how much I love being involved in my ward and stake (and life in general). Last night Cress and I worked on the photo list for the bishop then I met up with The Artist and his friends in the ward. We had the most extensive and intricate thumb war I've ever been involved with, I think there were eight people all joined in a circle so we were warring with two thumbs at the same time. Strange but entertaining.

Then we went to Letherby's. The Artist had me ride with him, he said it's more fun when you don't drive alone. I can not even try to describe (especially now because my brain has already gone to bed) the fun I had with the eleven other people at the table. It reminded me of the old times; first with the girls from the fabric store, then the kids from the institute. We sang along to the jukebox when it played Beat It by Michael Jackson and Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (complete with headbanging). We talked about the most random things. We laughed until tears came from my eyes and my face and sides hurt.

After we paid, a few of us stayed to talk some more. Standing just outside the door, talking about Smurfs and fruit snacks, and other random things that encouraged more laughing. My filter is beginning to function again...I was clever but mostly appropriate
;-)

The Artist drove me back to the institute and we had a nice, long chat. He and I are really incredibly similar, personality and experience wise, so it's really great to talk with him. One of the most unique similarities is that we both prefer deep and meaningful conversation. We tend to get bored with shallow or seemingly meaningless or technical conversation. We prefer to converse about art and theory, emotions, relations, human nature, etc. So when we are together, we tend to lose track of time a bit. It's really great! I love it!
He's like the big brother I always hoped for but never had.

Tonight I went to stake choir practice downtown. I had a long and rather dreary day (though I did get a nice surprise when I picked up my car from the body shop...they had cleaned not only the outside so it sparkles, but they wiped down my dash and vaccumed my floors!) but as soon as I was with the other choir members my mood inflated and I smiled the whole time. It was fun and I was clever, yet again! Haha
I love singing. I love being around people. There's a girl that I met tonight that previously drove me crazy. I have watched her interact within the ward and stake and I will admit that my feelings were less than charitable toward her. Tonight I decided to not be annoyed and instead be kind and friendly. It was much more fun, imagine that!

Yeah, this social and friendly stuff is definitely the way to live. Life is good!

Random Facts

~ The voice in my head (the one that is supposed to be there, the one that's me) sometimes has a British accent and sometimes has a Southern accent. Today it was southern, don't really know why.

~ I love the name Jonathan and believe that the shortened version of the name should be spelled Jon and not John, is the H necessary? I think not.

~ Making people mildly uncomfortable is fun. Like talking to people in the elevator or on the bus.

~ I have been known to have conversations entirely with myself.

~ Green turn arrows make me happy

~ I love dancing in the middle of random places (supermarkets, the street, the train). Really I'll dance anywhere I hear music.

~ There's always music playing in my head.

~ I say really random things sometimes...they always make sense to me. I guess the randomness is that no one else knows what led up to the statement.

~ Laughing until I cry out my eyes and my stomach hurts is one of the best feelings in the world.

~ I have a tendency to be wordy and awkward (according to my CNF writing teacher) but I don't care, I like my writing!

~ On bad days when absolutely everything seems to be going wrong, instead of getting upset about it I "declaire the day Ridiculous" and charge forth.

~ I love stealing words from others. I listen to conversations and confiscate particularly entertaining or profound phrases.

Smile

The curls got a little out of control this morning. I'm not really sure what happened differently than last time but somehow my hair would not cooperate today. It was ok, I just decided to own it and make it work anyway.

I wore my new favorite outfit: the black skirt and the cute blue top...and a genuinely delighted smile. I've taken to smiling at everyone these days. I look them in the eye (as much as possible) and I smile. My hope is that they will smile too and their day will be a little bit better. And it's easier to remember to be happy that way too.

Ward choir was fun. We're singing Christmas music, my favorite time of year to be in choir! The ward choir director is intriguing to me. He's rather odd...he likes to dance around a bit and I noticed to day that he sort of has a tendency to talk to himself (and laugh at things that are going on in his head) while he's conducting. Very much like myself actually. I'm always thinking of strange things and then laughing at myself for the silliness of it all.

In Anne of Green Gables there is a part when the nasty school principle is talking with Anne and she says bitterly, "You always have some secret delight, don't you?" I love this! For a while in high school I had a secret delight; a happy thought, if you will, that when life got tough I visited in my mind and smiled to myself, lifted my spirits in a way nothing else could. I need to find that again.

That's my new quest: to find my happy thought, my secret delight! Or a few, just in case one doesn't work for a particular situation I'll have a back up.

I'm out of the transition phase, I'm moving through the turning point and I'm heading into the phenominal! I've paid the price. I've kept the course. Even when it seems I turned away, I was still on the path I was meant to tread. "Mistakes" lead to learning, growth and strength and prove my ability to fight through anything that is placed in my path...and win. I am strong and growing stronger with every trial. I have not been alone, there have been angels (some visible and mortal and some not). We're not meant to walk alone through this life. We have family and friends placed in our lives to walk with us for companionship and to lend aid when needed.

I have always been a friend to those who have few or none. I have always been the strong one that others lean on when they are not able to stand on their own. I love to be that person, especially for those I particularly love. I have had my moments of weakness in which I have required the aid of others, and there have been people there (some grudgingly at times, but they are there and I appreciate what they have been willing and able to give).

From the outside I can now see some of the purpose in the trials of my life. I have gained profound empathy and compassion that can not be understood except through experience. From the higher ground I have finally climbed to, I can look back and see where my blood has been shed in the moments of most intense struggle. But I can also see the strength and understanding that have come from those deepest sorrows and most painful experiences.

I still have a long way to go, we all do, the journey doesn't end until we die...and even then we are still blessed with the privilage of learning and growing and creating. My eyes are open and I see my potential. I don't know the specifics of what the future holds, but I now have hope in my heart that it's going to be pretty amazing! I'm excited to see what's next. :-)

I'm a believer. I'm a fighter. I'm a smiler. I'm a dreamer. I'm a Fantastic Funk!
And I'm not going to lose sight of that again.

Dear friends who read my blog, I'm here if you need me. I'll do my best to be uplifting and give you reasons to smile. I'm sorry this hasn't always been the most inspiring place but I'm working on improving my optimism now. I'm smiling for no particular reason! I challenge you to find a secret delight or happy thought. If you can't find one, let me know and I'll lend you mine for a while. Thanks for reading!

Say Cheese!

Today I was sustained to my new calling in the ward. I am on the communications commitee, with the specific obligation to help with the pictures. I get to go to new member meetings and take pictures then upload them to the computer for the ward photo directory. It's a pretty fun job actually, I'm excited!

It's good to meet new people. Anyone who knows me knows that I love taking pictures too, so it's sort of a perfect fit! I'm getting back to being my fun, outgoing self again so I think I'm really going to like this calling...it sounds like I've got the in for meeting new people and making new friends too...that's definitely something I need right now. I'm delighted!

Instead of doing homework...

I was going to do homework today...really, that was the plan. I was going to go to stake choir practice then spend the rest of the day catching up on homework.

Well, I went to choir practice...but then Shygirl and I went to Subway for lunch (I didn't eat before going to choir and I was terribly shaky and light-headed, oops...but I looked super cute!).
Then we went to a session at Jordan River. After the session we went to Fort Union for some necessities at the Distribution Center. Shygirl needed some stuff from Smith's so we went there next. There's an Albertson's close by so we stopped to see if they had any of my cranberry juice left but they didn't because they sold out to associated foods and discontinued carrying my juice. So Shygirl and I went on a quest to find an Alberstons that didn't sell out. Luckily there's actually one very close to Shygirl's house.

When we got to the aisle with the juice I ran with open arms and a squeal of delight to find the shelves fully stocked! I asked the self-check employee if they were going to sell out too and he assured me they would continue to be Alberston's. I grinned and told him I loved him!
I know, such a fuss over cranberry juice...it's one of my simple pleasures in life, ok? ;-)
This also means my pretzles are safe! Delight!

Once that quest was resolved we went to my house to watch Bones from Thursday night. I wanted to see her reaction to Angela and Wendell...she was just disappointed that Booth and Bones still haven't hooked up.

After Bones we watched a few episodes of Heroes season 1. It was funny watching her trying to figure out what was going on. Of course I thought of the first time I watched these episodes. Good times, Bobpi really liked to watch me squirm so he wouldn't tell me anything that was going to happen. And that's what I do with Shygirl. It's fun. It would be more fun to watch with Bobpi around too, he'd get a real kick out of Shygirl...he'd probably tease her mercilessly just to confuse her more...haha.
I was going to make Shygirl wait to finish watching with me another day but I let her take my DVDs home with her. She said I'd probably get them back tomorrow. Lol. Beware, Heroes is very addicting! So good, I love it!

Overall, today was a fantastic day! No homework was done, but life was lived and that's what's really important :-) I'll do homework later.

Is it worth the risk?

The bigger your investment the bigger your return, but you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to understand you might lose it all. But if you invest wisely, the payoff just might surprise you.
~ Grey's Anatomy

All sorts of application here...but I don't have the time or the focus to fully develop my thoughts just yet. I'll come back to it sometime.

What are your thoughts on the subject? What is worth the risk? Is there anything you're willing to risk losing everything for? Have you taken a chance on something, knowing you might end up with nothing...but it was something you were willing to take that chance to obtain? What happened? Did you win or did you lose? Even if you lost, was there anything you gained?

What do you look like when you smile?

I was in a rather strange mood this morning. I don't really know what I was thinking or what came over me but as I was sitting on the bus on the way to school I couldn't help but get a little giddy. There was a guy sitting across from me (we were in the back of the bus so we were facing each other) that I could not stop staring at. I sort of made a game out of it, trying to see if I could get him to look at me but he wouldn't. It was a devious moment like when you talk to people in the elevator just to make them uncomfortable to see what they might do. Anyway, the guy just sat there with a rather straight face, looking everywhere but at me. I wasn't going to say anything but my insides started to riot and I just couldn't keep quiet.

There are two stops for the school, I get off at the second stop so when we got to the first stop I decided that if he stayed until my stop I would say something to him. He stayed so I moved over closer to him and placing my hand on his arm I asked if I could ask him a question. He leaned toward me and said yes. I said with a grin, "I know this sounds weird but, what do you look like when you smile?" He fidgeted for a moment but a smile came across his face and he looked at me. I said, "Ah, you have a very nice smile. I thought you might. I'm sorry for staring at you the whole way, I know it's a little odd but I just thought you would have a nice smile and wanted to see it." or something like that.

Our stop came and I got off. I watched him cross the street...with a smile still on his face. It made me smile all the way to class.

I know I'm random and I probably made him a little uncomfortable, but I made him smile as well and that's always a good thing. Now we both have an unusual story to tell.

Smiling is fun and it makes others smile too. I walked around all day with a (perhaps slightly goofy) grin. It lifted my heart a bit and made other people smile. :-)

Stop...Don't stop!

I keep starting to write but then I stop. Haven't I written enough? I really write a lot sometimes and I really don't think that anyone wants to read half of what I write. If anyone does read, they probably skim rather than drinking in every word. Who really cares to read my ridiculous ramblings anyway? What good are they to anyone?

So why do I write? For the same reason I breathe: if I didn't, I would die.
Maybe not literally, but close.

I just really need to find better things to write. My friend told me a story about when she and her friend made a bet that they wouldn't eat any chocolate for like a month or something. She said she's not a writer but she wrote a poem during that time, some Ode to Chocolate because she missed it so much. As much as I love chocolate, I've never thought to write about it. Perhaps I should try. I'll write about chocolate and Dr. Pepper, ha! That would be funny.
I really need to write things from the lighter side of me. I promise I do have a lighter side. I know that most of what I write is heavy and deep and emotional and probably drags people down. Sorry about that. I've been trying to write lighter stuff here.

Mostly I write when things affect me deeply and I have to write them out in order to make sense of them or see their fullness. I also write when I'm lonely because words have always been so good at keeping me company. Even though I often feel like no one ever reads my blogs I still put myself here, maybe they do read and they just don't comment because they have nothing to say about what I've written...I don't know.

I hope someday I have something worthwhile to say so that people will benefit from my words.

I'm sorry if you think I'm wordy and awkward. Or if I make you uncomfortable by the soul I expose here, so publicly. I don't mean to offend or cause discomfort. A teacher I had once told me that "in order to truly connect with a reader you have to give a proverbial 'pound of flesh'; you have to expose your vulnerability and you have to speak the truth. People like to be disturbed sometimes, it's good for them. It shakes them up and helps them to see things in a different way." I don't know if he's right but I write what I write.

Feel free to comment on anything that I write. Even just a shout out to let me know if anyone is reading. I'll keep writing even if no one is reading, but I'd like to know...thanks friends :-) I'll be better at writing happy, fun stuff!

It's a Choice

Once again, I don't agree with the way things are turning out, but choices were made and I have to honor the agency of those involved. He made a choice and I have to accept that. A song from Wicked keeps coming to mind because it just fits so well:

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl...

Right now, I guess none of that really matters, as long as I have his transcentent friendship, I'll be just fine. I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now, he's still here, still talking to me, still showing me he cares...and it's enough.

Also, God is here. He keeps giving me little nudges of encouragement; He knows what's going on, He knows how to make it better. So, I'm in His hands. As long as I have friends and family who love me and who are willing to lend me their strength when I have lost all of my own, I know I can make it through anything.

I have been isolating myself for so long that I forget that it is okay to ask for help. I was told once, "you ask too much of friends...you're too heavy." In my darkness, I took those words to heart and decided I had to deal with everything on my own. Now I see that those words were forced upon me by someone who was selfish and broken and unable to be a true friend. I see they are not words of truth. I have friends who truly care about my joys and sorrows, they are there for me (they say call day or night if I need). Another dear friend told me recently, and I quote,
"Who else are you going to whine to? I am a good friend. Stop suffering alone." (interesting, he who causes the heartache can also heal it with true words of love and friendship).

I have had such an outpouring of love and acceptance recently and I am so grateful to my dear friends who give me a safe place to relieve my heart.

They know that I am there for them as well. I have done my share of listening and supporting and calming through the years and they know I am here whenever they need a friend. We lean on each other, we lift each other, together we rise above the struggles and sorrows of life. I am so grateful for their constant love and acceptance.

I also have a great mom whom I have underappreciated for most of my life. She is strong and has overcome so much in her life. She has gone before and fought, and won, the battle I struggle with today: the sometimes debilitating depression. Last night I fell apart. I couldn't fight anymore because the darkness and the heartache were too much for me. She made me talk. She sat on the floor with me and let me cry. She held me and told me it was enough, that I didn't have to fight anymore, that I paid the price and it was enough. She said it would be over soon and just to hold on a while longer, the end was near; the light would come.
I'll try to trust in her more. I'll do my best to accept her help and appreciate her experience and empathy. I'm so grateful for my mom.

Most importantly, Heaven is with me, on my side always. I am not alone. I'm going to be just fine.

Instead, Become Inspired

If I have to, I'll survive it. Ok? But...there's always a way. When things look like there is no way, there is a way. To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way. And you, you and I have this in common: we're inspired. In the face of the impossible, we're inspired...So...today if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.

~ Grey's Anatomy

Don't let my intuition freak you out

I know it seems a little creepy from your current perspective but it's not supposed to be. Just know someone you once loved cares enough to know when you are experiencing something profound (for better or worse). All day you slipped into my thoughts, I tried to push you out but you wouldn't go. So instead of pushing or dwelling, every time I had a thought of you I just said a little prayer on your behalf. I told Heaven that I can't be there for you right now but my faith and hope can help to lift you from afar.

I don't have the words to explain because you have an idea in your head about what I feel for you that just isn't quite true. You're stubborn though, like you said, you hear what you want to hear and do what you want to do...and believe what you want to believe. It's ok. I know the truth. In time, maybe you'll understand too. I know I'm intense so it seems like it's different from what it is because I love you deep down into the roots of my heart and soul...but that doesn't mean I want you as more than a friend. So don't be weird, don't be awkward and don't think that I'm pining over you. I just love you.

It's one of those quirks...hopefully an endearing one. ;-)

Someone Else

Over the last month I have been breaking open. The non-stop sobbing was part of the healing process, the end of the healing process. This week, on Wednesday I had a unique experience that turned my whole world around. If you want to know about it let me know and I'll tell you, it's too personal to talk about it here. The point is, I'm free! I'm healed! It's been a long and difficult struggle but it's finally done.



Bestest Friend and Shygirl took me shopping today! I decided I could affort spending some money to update my look so after Bestest Friend's bridal shower we stopped at Layton Hills Mall. Bestest Friend has a great fashion sense and she LOVES to shop so she went a little crazy. She pulled clothes off the racks at every turn and then ordered me to the dressing room. They had me try on everything and model it for them so they could decide what works and what doesn't. I bought some fun stuff that will hopefully help to show my personality a little better than the stuff I've been wearing.



It was actually at Bobpi's suggestion that I get some new clothes. Over the last few years I've been recreating myself and during the process, my wardrobe became drab and boring. I just needed to breathe some life into it, now that I'm more myself. Clothes don't make the person, but they can help with confidence and perspective. Thanks for the suggestion Bobpi. Thanks for choosing my new clothes Bestest Friend and Shygirl! Love you all!

Bubbly

Shygirl came over with the intention of watching Bones from last night but it turns out it wasn't on or something. So we talked while we waited for The Artist to be ready to meet us for dinner. We went to the District for dinner at The Olive Garden! It was pretty tasty :-)



I absolutely adore The Artist. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes, but he's also good for deep and serious conversation. He's very entertaining! I adored spending the evening with him and Shygirl.

Giggles, Grins and Giddy Twitterpation

Tonight was fun! He told me to dress up and fix my hair differently so I did. It surprised him, maybe stole his breath a bit?

I used to sparkle sometimes. When I was "living at the insititute" and I would have a particularly good day, my eyes would sparkle and people would be drawn to me. I was Fun Laura then: The Funk! with the dance and the giggles. I used to be giddy a lot and my face beamed and my sense of humor and flirtatious side would shine through. People liked me then!
I liked me then!

Tonight I felt that way again...only better and I can't spell out exactly why...but I know! There was an energy and a chemistry that surged through me and I just couldn't stop smiling (my whole face, even my usually sad eyes were sparkling).
A huge part of it was being there, with him. I'm always happy when I'm with him...he is part of my home, my heart...I'm safe with him.
We watched Heroes...which also makes me happy, and Shygirl was there so it was fun!

I will tell you the real difference, the one he saw that caused him to ask, "Did you do something different with your face?" "Haha, yes," I said, "I am smiling!" But smiling is only part of it. The rest is because I am experiencing peace, healing, faith, and other Gifts of the Spirit that have been lacking in my life until now.
I'm working on restitution, making up for the time I was lost and selfish. I'm doing all I can to show the Lord that I am committed and that I am placing my life and my will and my desires in His hands. And I am finding bits of happiness there.

There is one who when your crying's done
gives the gifts you've never known
He'll give fruit because he is the vine
And life for he's the living stone.
(Lyrics from: The Man with Many Names by Michael McLean)

I believe that good, even great things are coming! I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know they are!

Looks like I'll just have to wait for God to set me up with someone, it seems no one else wants to help me out...That's ok, God's choosing is best anyway ;-)

out of practice

Tonight I went to the 25-30 institute class at the Sandy campus. The talk was more of an astronomy lesson, some cool pictures but not incredibly uplifting.
I suppose you wouldn't be completely wrong if you said, "Dearest, you weren't there for the talk anyway, you were there to meet people!"

Yes, that is true. The trouble is that I'm so out of practice it's almost laughable. So I stood by The Artist and his "girlfriend" and smiled. I tried to make myself look appealing but it would seem that I was either appaling or invisible. Whatever the case, I did not meet any guys tonight. I'm ok with that though. I don't really want to meet a guy that way, I've never really had any luck with guys I've met that way. I'll keep going and keep smiling and such, but I'd prefer to meet someone some other way.

A smaller setting, for example; a friendly gathering or perhaps the choir. The most success has been through a mutual friend. So I guess the point I'm trying to get to is:

I'm now accepting applications/invitations for blind dates. If you have a friend who is a good guy and you think we might get along, give me a call or leave me a message or find me on Facebook and I'll be more than happy to give him a chance...and let him give me a chance. I'm opening myself up to a broad new world of possibilities here!

The times they are a-changin' and I'm changing too! Life is good!

Life Painting with The Artist

I have to start by mentioning that Bestest Friend has been really good about keeping in touch, she checks up on me at least every other day. She knows I need her right now and even though it's not face time, it's still better than nothing...it's enough and I am grateful!

Now to the real point of the post. Shygirl and I went to the stake musical review show thing the other night (very good, by the way) and kicked ourselves the whole time for being to cowardly to audition. It would have been such fun and we need to stop hiding our talents and all so we decided we were going to start doing things. I think my determination is a little stronger than hers, but then I'm a bit more outoing than she is. The point is, I joined my ward choir! And I made Shygirl come with me to stake choir as well...we'll be singing at stake conference next month.

I have always loved singing and I'm not too bad (if I do say so myself, which I have to because very few others have heard me sing). This way I am improving my talent, getting involved, meeting new people, and praising the Lord! Good times :-) I'm really happy with my decision.

Along with joining the choirs, I decided I probably ought to start going to more ward functions so I can meet people and feel like I'm more a part of the ward. So, The Artist talked me into going to ward prayer tonight. I have not been to a ward prayer in a very long time. It's been nearly two years, I think. I used to have such fun at ward prayer, but that was back in the day with all those phenominal friends I used to have (back in the hugging days of living at the institute).
I mainly hung out with The Artist tonight. I did talk with a few other people, but I stayed by The Artist's side the whole night. Mainly because there wasn't anyone there more interesting. I promise it wasn't out of fear or anything like that. At least I went. I'm putting forth the effort, eh? ;-)

The Artist and I have been friends for quite a while. We used to have great, lengthy, deep conversations but it's been a while since we've just hung out and talked. We parked on different sides of the building so he walked me to my car, where we ended up staying and talking for a good hour or hour and a half. We talked about all sorts of things, mostly relationships and the lessons we've learned and how far we've come and new insights gained and such. I love those conversations: complete, honest, personal, and sincere; when you open up to another person and make a connection because you realize that you're so alike. I discovered tonight (well, I knew it before so I guess I just rediscovered) that he and I are not just soul friends, we're soul twins. We're like the same person only in different bodies...but our souls are almost identical in a lot of ways so we really understand each other. It's fun when that happens because you feel like someone else actually does know what you mean! It was good, something I really needed.

I feel a little better now. I still don't have the answers I'm searching for but at least I feel up and motivated. Time to progress some more! Each day I feel a little different. Each day I see that I'm not who I've been the last two years, I'm much better and much more than that sad, bitter, pathetic, defective wretch that I was. I'm happier, motivated, open, affectionate and ready to face the world head-on. I'm ready (and willing and eager) to live! Finally!